One more thing....

I forgot to say THANK YOU to who ever stopped by my house on Thursday and left a happy at my front door.  Obviously you know I only eat dark chocolate......and the ornament is on my tree!  The card was not signed so I have no idea who dropped it off............but THANK YOU and sorry that I missed you. xoxoxo

One more hurdle

I got the green light this week for surgery scheduled on Monday December 5th.  Check in is at 5:30am and the Dr. will make his first incision by 8:30am.  Surgery is expected to be 6-8 hours followed by a 7-10 day stay at the wonderful Virginia Mason downtown Seattle.

I'll be honest, I have a lot of mixed emotions and the closer the day is the more mixed they get. LOL  I'm excited that chemo is behind me and I made it this far and am an actual surgical candidate.  If you remember when I started this journey, I wasn't.  My biggest concern is the artery that my tumor is attached too.  Am praying that it's not too attached to remove since that would be fatal for me. Oh, the Dr. said they would do everything they can to prolong my life........a life of chemo and treatments, no thanks!

I am really optimistic and know that I have the cancer beat!  It will shock me if they find any hidden cancer.  I'm convinced I nipped that evil disease long ago.  Not looking forward to a week in the hospital but hoping I"ll have some visitors along the way to keep me from getting too lonely.  My first day will be spent in step down ICU but then the 2nd day I'll get my own room.  I assume it will be my own????

This has been a long 7 months but so much good has come from it so far.  I've been so deeply torched and moved by the amount of support from not only my family and friends, but total strangers.  This journey has allowed me to see the best in everyone.  Life is sooooo good! and the people in it are what make this world go round.

I still have most of my chemo side affects.  Dr says it takes about 6 weeks before people start seeing them go away so I still have a few more to go...............most excited for the day I wake up and my eyes are not watering profusely. 

Please save the date and celebrate with me being cancer free on February 18th at the Browns Point Improvement Club down on the waterfront.  It will be a night to remember filled with food folks and lots and lots of fun!  You can go to www.CancerDiva.com and order your tickets.  They are $50 a piece and that includes dinner, beer and wine.  There will be music and karaoke!!  You all have been on this journey with me so only fair that we celebrate this victory together!

It's already December so I wanted to take this time to wish you and your family a really wonderful holiday.  Please don't get too caught up in the hustle and bustle of the holidays so you can enjoy what's really important.....your family and friends.  If there's one thing I've learned on this journey it's that PEOPLE make your life magical. 

LIVE WITH PASSION and Happy Holidays!
DJ

It's a wrap!

All done with chemo as of Nov. 3rd!!! YIPPIE YAHOO!  The week that followed almost killed me though.  I spent the week in bed throwing up unable to keep even the littlest sip of water down.  My Dad moved in with me that week and was by my bedside and there for my every need.  Once we got to the hospital for follow up xrays and ct scan, my blood pressure was 54/22.   NOT GOOD.  The staff immediately put things in motion to get my IV hooked up to some new meds for nausea and some nutrients. 

It has been a long six months.  I almost can't believe it's over and now all I have to do is rest up for surgery scheduled for Dec. 5th.  I have a new surgeon but I love him (Dr. Rocha) as much as I do Dr. Ryan who must be going into retirement.  Rocha is younger but lots of experience and so incredibly patient with me.  I am very optimistic that as complicated and long (6-8 hours) as this surgery will be, that the outcome will be very positive.  Apparently, not only did my tumor disappear off the ct scan, so did my pancreas. LOL  This of course is going to increase my odds of coming out of surgery with diabetes... a common side affect from surgery.  Not looking forward to that but I'd rather be alive with diabetes than dead from cancer..................right?

Good news is I'm going to lose lots of weight..........or so the Dr says. LOL  There is lots of good news actually, the big news being that my tumor looks to be cancer free now and ready to remove.  Also, I'm so blessed by the outpouring of kindness thru cards, emails, and text messages from family, friends and friends of friends.  Sometimes I cry because I'm touched so deeply by so many people.

I'm excited for the fundraiser DIVA BIZARRE tomorrow.  I don't have the energy to attend but the girls (Sharon and Val) are so excited for the big event.  Please know I'm so grateful for all the financial support it has enabled me to focus on my health and not panic about going into bankruptcy with all the medical bills.  FYI my chemo alone costs about $7000 a week.  Insurance covers most of it, but I am still responsible for a lot myself.  Without your support I wouldn't be able to heal due to the financial stress but Val and Sharon are doing amazing at raising funds to pay my medical expenses.  Two angels!  along with their spouses, Jim and Scott!!

Dr. wants me to eat as many calories as possible between now and surgery.  As wonderful as that news is, it's incredibly hard.  I have no appetite and still have metal mouth so can't eat much without spitting it out.  Hoping to enjoy a tasty Thanksgiving though!!! 

Speaking of Thanksgiving.  My family will all be together for the first time for this holiday.....also my FAVORITE holiday!  I'm so grateful to be alive it's crazy.  Each day I get to see my parents and am so thankful to have them here for this journey.  In fact, not sure I could have made it thru the six months without them.

I know I still have a big hurdle to get over with surgery.............but I'm so optimistic that it will unveil a cancer free body and that recovery with go smoothly.  I know it will be painful with some negative side affects but I'm going to get thru it and be back to my life in the new year.  I can't begin to tell you how excited I am for 2012 and all that it will bring.

I'm a better person now having traveled this path.  I'm closer to my family and my friends.  I realize how lucky we are to have our health when we have it.  Something I will never take for granted again!  In fact, I can't wait to get back into the gym with Tim on a regular basis.  Just being able to walk for more than 30 feet will be exciting to me!

I know everyone reading this is fighting some kind of battle.  Please know my heart reaches out to you and I'm so grateful for all your love and prayers.  You just have no idea how much and how deeply you've touched me.  I'm the luckiest person I know!

I wish you the happiest of Thanksgivings! and hope you will take the time you need to really FEEL grateful, that's what this time of year is all about! 

Much love to you all!
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

Breaking Dawn...

My deepest apology for going so long without writing and sharing my journey.  My laptop was at work and chemo finally got me to a point that I could not get around and make it to work.  Dad took me into the office last week for a visit so I could pick some things up.....like my laptop so here I am.

I think the headline for this post really fits.  LOL  Chemo certainly got me to my breaking point but I have also made some big positive changes in the past few weeks.  Let me start my saying how devastated I was not being able to go to work.  This was a couple months shy of my game plan so not only an emotional hit but a financial one too.  After two weeks of laying in bed though I finally accepted the circumstances and am trying to make the most of them.  Any of you that know me, know I am not the lay around in bed type so this is just shy of torture for me. The only thing missing from this picture is bon bons. LOL 

I have been so ashamed of how I look and feel that I have been pushing my friends away.  I am such an entertainer and love to host.  However, feeling so bad made me crawl into a cave and I figured I would just come out when I feel better, right????  WRONG!!!!!!!!!!  I had no idea how much I was hurting my dearest friends by not allowing them to help or come and see me.  I finally put myself in their shoes and realized how upset I would be if the roles were reversed and it was me being shut out in such a time of need for one of my friends.  Then came the tears and the guilt but it's been good as now I have an open door policy and friends are welcome anytime.  I've accepted there is no need to entertain, get dressed or play hostess, now is not the time for that.  But letting friends be friends is important!

Before I forget, I need to say THANK YOU to whoever sent the powdered chocolate muscle milk to the house.  I have been drinking it everyone morning, even on days I eat nothing.  It's been a big help in my nutrition!!!  There was no card so I have no idea where it came from, but thank you.

I can't get around anymore however, my friends have come to the rescue.  I now have a shower chair so can shower again (was having to bathe because I could not stand up).  Also have a wheelchair now too so can get out and about and hopefully do some more things with Tim and my peeps.  I think getting around in a wheelchair will be a huge learning curve and build a whole new appreciation for my legs and strength when I get them back.  Life in a wheelchair can't be fun but I'm going to see how fun I can make it. 

It's November.  My favorite month.  It's the month of gratitude!  As awful as things seem right now and scary, there is a million things to be grateful for and at the top is my family and friends.  No matter what your circumstances are, there is an incredible life out there to be lived with an endless amount of love.  Everyday I am touched my the love of my family and friends.  I am truly blessed and feel we all are.  You just need to open you heart and the rest will follow.

I know I hurt a lot of friends by saying no thank you and pushing them away and for that I'm terribly sorry.  I learned such a big lesson in all this.  Sometimes you just have to receive.  I find it much easier to give but I get it now.  Thank you for understanding.

All of us are at least a little scared.............none of know the outcome of surgery or the after treatment.  However, we're all being positive and expecting the best.  I can not thank you enough for all your support and prayers.  The prayers are working because this chemo may be almost killing me, but it's definitely killing the cancer!

LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

Famous last words....

"This is a lot harder than I thought it would be".  LOL  I'm sorry for the long silence between posts but chemo chased me into a cave where I have been hiding from my family and friends in an effort to try and cope.  I really didn't expect this last segment of treatments to be THIS hard.  When just brushing your teeth becomes the equivalent of a 10K, the last thing you want it to admit to anyone, including yourself, is that you've been beat.

There is only ONE way to beat cancer.  That's with your attitude!  It's the ONLY thing you control on this journey.  What I didn't realize is you have to do the same for chemo.  The chemo is killing you slowly, one treatment at a time from the inside out.  It takes your hair, eyelashes, nails, skin, mouth, nose, eyes, and kills them at the same time that it's killing the cancer.  Chemo does not know the difference between evil cells and good cells so you can kiss whatever ounce of dignity and pride you think you may have goodbye.  Therefore, making the cave look like a comfortable hide out for now. LOL  I honestly don't know what is harder; coping with chemo on my hands and knees or trying to stand up long enough for your average tooth brushing.  Quite frankly, I never knew what fatigue was until I got knee deep into chemotherapy.  I'm astounded at how much havoc two plastic bags hanging on a stand can wreak on the human body.

I'm so blessed by an out pouring of love and support reminding me of just how close I am to the finish line.  While I'm no Lance Armstrong, as this has not been a race for me.  It's been an intense chapter of life lessons that I'm convinced will have a happy ending and will roll smoothly into a new chapter focused on life AFTER cancer.

I've made some mistakes in coping with my chemotherapy such as NOT being focused enough on a positive journey.  I expected to become ill because of everything I read and what people told me.  Well, there's no surprise then that I got exactly what I expected.  I'm not going to make that same mistake with surgery.

I am going into surgery with the attitude that despite the odds......THEY WILL NOT FIND ANY RESIDUAL CANCER and that the surgery will go as planned.  I don't expect to have to undergo ANY post treatments of radiation or chemo since my body will be cancer free once the tumor is removed.  Everything about my cancer and progress has been rare........I expect the same from my surgery.  The odds may be against me but I have already proven that a positive mental attitude truly focused and BELIEVING can get you what you expect, despite any odds!  Try applying this theory to any challenge you may have in your life and see how miraculously you can change your life for the better!

I'm learning so much on this journey and I hope you are learning with me.  The rewards and life lessons on this journey are going to be far greater than the agony of the journey itself and hardship.

There is a new Dawn ahead that most importantly is more grateful than she every dreamed possible!......  Did I just type in the 3rd person?  LOL  I promise it was only to make a point. LOL

LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

Big Ol' Crocodile Tears

We had a HUGE breakthrough yesterday at the hospital!!  After the results of my tests were in Dr. P told us that I am now a surgical candidate!!!!!!!!!!  It was really an emotional moment.  Even though I knew I would get to this point, a part of me feared the what if I don't. This is living proof in the power of prayer.  I am so blessed to have so many people praying for my full recovery!!

I also got to meet a very lovely woman about 20 years older than me that has just completed her journey with cancer.  It happens to be the SAME one I'm on.  Same 6 months of chemo, same cocktails, same Dr. and same Whipple surgery.  She was only 3 weeks out of surgery and although she was walking with a cane, she looked and sounded wonderful and CANCER FREE.She told me the surgery although brutal was not as bad as she thought it was going to be...................how encouraging is that??????????

All I have to do is survive this next six weeks of chemo.  I know this will not be easy, I am already so weak and have nausea almost everyday but I know now I can do this.  I'm missing more work than I had planned but they are being supportive and understanding. I'm going to break this down into bite size pieces and focus on one week at a time starting on Monday.  I'm going to rest up this weekend and hope to work a full week next week.

Tim is back in town and all tan so he's not helping my ego at all.............now I look like an albino next to him. LOL  Hey, albino's need love too. LOL  It's awesome having Dad back in town too.  We have already enjoyed our few days together and look forward to all the time together ahead of us on this journey.  He gives me strength. 

MaMaLou on the other hand needs your prayers...........she fell and broke her shoulder so in Alabama on the mend.  Has to wear a trainer for 3 weeks and then go it for check up.  I miss her too and hope she's back in November once her shoulder is healed.  Like me, she's a tough cookie and will get thru this.

Again, thank you to all my angles out there!!!!!!!  We did it!
LIVE WITH PASSION
DJ

Finally asking for help...

I don't care how strong you THINK you are, cancer is going to get the best of you.  Not at all times, but it's going to have it's moments.  For example, I'm five months into this journey and finally broke down and asked a friend for a laundry list of much needed items to help me thru my discomfort i.e. manicure gloves, tea tree oil, and chocolate muscle milk light plus she helped me make my bed after I washed my sheets.  I didn't want to ask her to pick up those things because the last thing I want to do is burden someone or be an inconvenience.  However, I NEEDED these things and poof she was there with them.  Thank you Valerie! and I can't get over how comforting it was to just break down in tears in her arms.  Did the same with my Dad when he got home last night (to my home).  No matter how stubborn you may be, cancer will force you into a corner where you HAVE to ask for help.  I'm glad it happened, I get it now.  I think it made Val feel good to be able to help in what she thought was a small way, but it was huge to me.

So now you are probably wondering tea tree oil and manicure gloves????????  Yes, my nails smelled like dirty ass (sorry for being so blunt) but it is what it is so I needed to treat them and cover them up so I could function.  They made my bed stink, me stink, it was beyond gross.  I assume this is just a phase the nails are in while rotting off or something.  It was making me gag every time I smelled them though which was way too often.  I never realized how often my hands are in my face area until they started to rot.

It has really been an emotional week.  I made a post on facebook about trying to negotiate my way out of the last six weeks of chemo.  Basically, I hit my limit.  I'm tired of being sick and dragging Tim down with me.  It' hard to see the ones you love hurting for you.  WOW...........that little comment triggered a bunch of you to open a can of whip ass on me that day!!  I by no means was or am quitting!!!!!!!  I am going to beat this tumor and if it takes six more weeks of chemo, so be it!  I understand now that my Dr. is trying to save my life by preventing future tumors.  I'm all on board with that because I do not want to be on this journey ever again.

I was contacted by two blasts from the past this week.  My best friend from Alabama and an old friend from high school days.  Both very welcomed emails and I look forward to reeling them back into my life as much as possible.  Both these people made big ripples in my life and I would consider it a blessing to have them back in my life again.

I love my friends...........when I'm curled up in bed sick and wondering how long the discomfort is going to last and if I'll be able to make it to work the next day, it so nice to get a thoughtful text message from a friend letting me know they're thinking of me and pulling for me.  I am the luckiest gal in the world!  I'm sorry that I don't log on when I am that sick but Val is pretty good about keeping you all updated on my status on CancerDiva Facebook. 

I look like Mini Mouse with my white gloves on................LOL  or at least the beginnings of a Halloween costume. 

Hey I am curious about the movie 50/50 about the guy with cancer..............you go see if first and let me know if I'll be able relate or if it will just upset me.  LOL  It is based on a true story.

As I spend more time thinking about my own mortality I realize I have a lot to do to get my affairs in order should something take a turn and my life be cut short.  PLEASE DON'T PANIC I am not thinking this will happen, but one needs to be prepared under the circumstances.  LOL  There are so many people I love that I would like leave them something (a piece of me) or something that was important to me.  For the record, I want to be cremated and my ashes spread over the sound somewhere unless Ryan or Tanner wants them on their mantel.  No funeral..................just a big PARTAY!!!!!!!!!

I look forward to MY BIG FAT PURPLE BENEFIT at the end of January/early February.  Glad it has been moved so I can attend and feel healthy and cancer free and really have something to celebrate!!  Hopefully we'll have more people attending by having the event further north too.  Would love to fill a room with 150 peeps!!!!!!!!!!

LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

From the Twilight Zone to Hell and back

Tim and I spent Friday night in the Twilight Zone aka Virginia Mason's emergency room.  First of all, it' son the 6th floor!  Who puts an ER on the 6th floor????????????  Weird!!!!!!!!!  It really didn't take that long to get checked in but when we were walking back to the room, the gal says UH OH, the room is not clean so just sit down here (the hallway on a cot) so Tim and I each pick a cot to sit on and wait, and wait, and wait...............30 mins later or so we get into a room.  Nurses had nothing but problems accessing my port in fact they are all convinced the port is infected and blaming he port for them not being able to draw any blood.  However, one of the nurses proceeds to hook up my saline or whatever er they put in you to replenish your fluids but since he's not accessing the port properly, this fluid if filling up directly into my chest and HURTS!!!!!!!  Finally I say something and they remove it and do it the old fashioned way.  Next thing I know the Dr who I have never seen is admitting me!  How can yo admit someone into the hospital that you have never examined????  I freak out and dont' want to stay.............a shift change occurs and with that comes a new nurse and new Dr. and next thing you know I get to go home but before I do, they decide to admit me again.  UGH I can't keep up!!!!!!!!!  then Dr. comes in and says she will release me so I am in a hell of hurry to get dressed and get out there before they change their minds again. LOL  It was scary and nobody was communicating with anybody else and we left with no more answers than we came with all over a fever.  LOL 

Well, here I am at chemo right now and not a hick up or hitch with my port..........can we say user error up at ER last Friday?  I knew they didn't know what they were talking about.  It was like it was every body's first night there.  LOL  Chemo running really late today but just gives me more time with my peep Sandy.  LOL  Blood work tells the Dr. something is wrong so he's putting me on antibiotics which explains the off and on again fever.  I think I just have a bug in my chest that triggered my asthma issues.

It has been a really rough journey and I realize it's going to continue to get worse before it gets better.  I'm already tired of this game and don't want to pl;ay anymore.  Just want to be done.  Chemo is wearing me down which I am sure is normal by this late in the game so I know I'm not feeling anything anybody else wouldn't be feeling. 

I really miss my Dad but am hoping he will be back up here next week..........we should know soon if he has to have surgery and can jump on a plane and be back up here for the rest of my journey.  I need him more now that I'm getting sicker and often time scared.  I'm not giving up but any means, but do have days where I just get really scared.........my biggest what if is what if this tumor does not separate from the main artery, what does that mean to surgery wise?????  and to my recovery from surgery????????

I hate to sound like a broken recorded but this nail thing is gross.  Although I'm trying to save them with Rogaine, they are rotting off and it smells sooooooooooooooooo gross, like a dead body.  I can't even stand my hands near my face the smell is so bad.  In fact, it will wake me up from a dead sleep.  Nurse suggested soaking them in tree tea oil so am going to try that.  I have nothing to lose right?  So if you are near me and think I stink......it's not me, it's my fingernails!! LOL

Hey we moved the BIG FAT PURPLE BENEFIT.  Decided that we could get more people if we move the event to late January and move it further North..........maybe lilke tukwila area so we can capture more North enders.  This also gives Val and Sharon more time to procure auction items and sponsors.  Sooooooooo if you have any inside connections to a location that you think might be good and cheap, please let us know!!  We would be grateful for your help.  Also perk is that I will be healed up from surgery and be able to celebrate being cancer free and actually have a glass of wine to celebrate with you!!!!!!

Chemo takes you to hell, that's all I got to say about that.  There are no words to describe the occasional fear, the quality of life that it robs from you and the physical torture.  So I'm sure you can understand why I just want to be done..............after today though, only 5 more treatments to Nov.3rd  I am on the homestretch!!!!

Please be grateful for your health, despite anything else bad that maybe happening in your world. 
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

2 Points for Chemo..... 0 for Dawn

It has been a L O N G week since chemo on the 1st.  That Round 2 hit me like a Mack truck at a nascar race.  I seriously had no idea I would ever get that sick.  Don't get me wrong, I have had my fair share of side effects and whined about them all!  but this put things in a different perspective.  You'll know longer see me complaining about the physical affects anymore, as now I know I need to be grateful for the ability to eat and digest food properly.  I went a number of days without eating, but could keep some little fluids down and Tim finally took charge and made me eat chicken noodle soup and he didn't care which end it might come out of, he was getting nutrition in me.  Nor did he care about what I thought tasted good or not.  I got so weak and eventually a fever hit (FEVER = VERY DANGEROUS ZONE WHEN YOU ARE ON CHEMO) but Tim nursed me thru it and the fever actually broke this morning some time.  I feel much better.

Yesterday at the office, Barb J. brought me chicken noodle soup which SAVED me!  It was just what I needed to finish up my days work.  I felt a ton better after eating it! I am staying on the liquid diet for awhile just to be sure my system is rested and healed.  Somewhere along the way, my pancreas got really pissed off!

You know I'm sick if I don't post an update on my cancer diva group on facebook.  I appreciate all the support, the messages, the texts and THANK YOU KEVIN AN LINDA FOR THE PURPLE CARE PACKAGE. I got it yesterday. 

I can't even begin to express how guilty I feel whining about nails, Asian Puff Fish, metal mouth, or all the other physical stuff I've developed since being on chemo.  Having been so wiped out, and so sick this week I realize I need to be thankful for having my insides healthy enough that I can function almost normally.  I'm fine eating mini meals, heck; I'm fine eating just liquids, but being zapped by the chemo demon like I was this week is NOT OK.  No matter how grateful we all are, seems there is always something we are overlooking to be grateful for.

I don't know how future week #2's are going to unravel now but let's just say this past week put the fear of God in me.  LOL  Someone suggested just relaxing so I am thinking bubble baths are in my near future and I'm going to drink my Gatorade or juice out of my blingy champagne flute.........yes the famous ONE.  LOL  If you don't know the story to that, please see me in person and I'll explain, it's a good one!

Looks like MY BIG FAT PURPLE BENEFIT is going to be moved to end of January and to a facility further north to accommodate more people and get this baby switched to a Saturday rather than a Friday night.  Please stand by for more details as they are determined..........Val and Sharon are looking for ideas for locations between Federal Way and Tukwila.

So where's the lesson in all this.................????  Grab your journal and make a list of all those things that you really need to be grateful for that allow you to LIVE your life day to day.............a healthy heart, healthy bones, healthy stomach, etc. and remember it's up to YOU to have a healthy attitude!  But this should help you get started!

I've had a lot of people ask me what I can eat so here's a list of some things I think taste good and feel good eating................I call them my comfort foods,  Sweets are the worse tasting of anything so I have been avoiding them.

• Pretzels
• Macaroni & Cheese
• Chicken Noodle Soup
• Pink Grapefruit
• Taco Time's White Chicken Chili
• Starbucks unsweetened Passion IceTea
• Qdoba naked chicken queso burrito w/black beans & pica de gayo
• Diet Lime Coke
• Unsweetened Ice Tea
• Lemon/Lime Gaterade
• Emerald City Smoothie chocolate LEAN OUT

LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

Emotional Chemo Date on Thursday...

Thursday was the most emotional chemo date I've had.  In fact, I think it was the most emotional visit with Dr. Picozzi.  Sometimes I think he doesn't believe how bad my side affects are because every time I see him, I look half way presentable and he always comments how great I look.  I figured out that the steroids they put me on before and during chemo keep my facial swelling at a presentable level.  My mission on Thursday, was to get a full prescription of steroids so I could travel the rest of this two months I have left looking somewhat like a normal person, and not an Asian Puff Fish.

Dr. Picozzi would not even consider it! He explained that there were too many negative side affects including that it would affect my surgery.  So, no go on steroids.  I had to fight back my tears.  He went on to explain that this is a time to tap into my spirituality and inside.  He offered group counseling and/or therapy but I declined.  All the talking in the world will not change how I feel when I get up and look in the mirror every morning.  I look sad.  They say the eyes are the window to the soul, well mine always look sad.  I can't hide the pain inside. It's like looking at a stranger.  He went onto to say my friends don't care what I look like, and that I already know.  This is not about my friends, this is about me getting lost along the way.  My friends have been incredible and I could not possibly have a stronger support group and for that I'm so blessed.

Cancer attacks every single thing in your life...........not just your body.  It attacks your physical, mental, spiritual, friends, family, work, financial, it really is evil!  I do think I have a lot more to learn.  I can't lose the light from within which I think is what I fear. It gets harder and harder to fight the fatigue and side affects of chemo each week.  Geez, I have to tape four of my fingernails on just so I can type. LOL  I think it might be time to have another date with God.........I just need to keep pushing forward.  I'm over half way there now and know all this is temporary.  I just had my heart set on those steroids and thought I had all my problems solved. LOL  I don't like people to see me sick so I tend to go in hiding when I look and feel so bad. 

I got emotionally drained on Thursday and have been nauseous and not feeling well ever since.  I slept most of Friday.  However, am back to work for the weekend and look forward to Monday for another day of rest.  I am winning!! and need to be OK with having some bad days along the way.  I have this next week off from chemo to get my wits back.  YAHOO!

http://westseattleblog.com/2011/09/my-big-fat-purple-benefit-fundraiser-for-cancer-fighting-realtor Deeply touched that Alice Kuder contacted the West Seattle Blog to share my story.  Check out the link!

By the time this journey is done.......I will really know what I'm made of!!
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

TIME............we never have enough.

Not exactly how or where to start this post..............so will start with my silence.  My nails HURT!  so it's hard to type (4 of them are just completely falling off right now making it really hard to type).  I keep thinking they will get better, not worse and I then I can just jump on the pc and starting typing liking a maniac like I always have................but NO, they are not getting better, although Dr. Picozzi told me to put Liquid Rogaine on them and it should keep them from falling off...................might have been nice to know that BEFORE some of them started to fall off.  Timing IS everything!

My beautiful eyelashes are gone now too..................you know I LOVE and treasure my eyelashes, it's part of my identity, or maybe I'm just a girly girl after all. LOL  So, I have it on my mission to go buy the glue on false eyelashes in hopes that I will feel better wearing them.  Although, not sure how much it will help with all the constant swelling and looking like an Asian Puff Fish all the time.  Who is that creepy looking girl in the mirror that keeps looking back at me?  I'm tired of seeing her!!!  I wonder if I could put my head in the freezer over night if it would even help make all this swelling go down.  Honestly, I will not need a Halloween costume by the time Oct. 31st rolls around, I should be the ultimate creepy looking girl by then.  Geez, and dont' even get me started on the bloating.  It is really odd to be down 10 lbs yet look fatter than when you started this whole journey, in fact, not even be able to fit into lots of your clothes because your tummy is sticking out so much and painful!!  Dr. said just eat mini meals and graze all day, no normal meals from this point forward.

I'm venting..............but am grateful that we only have two months of chemo left!  I say WE because you all are on this journey with me.  THANK YOU so much for your love and support.  Each month gets harder than the month before so I can't even imagine the shape I'll be in by the last treatment on Nov. 3rd LOL  Sandy might have to just throw me in a wheel barrel and tow me into chemo that day. LOL  Hey......that could be my Christmas Card this year!  LOL

My family support is now from a distance.  Dad and MamaLou are back in Alabama for health reasons.  Me and my Dad are competing for the limelight (must be a Polka thing). LOL  He will have surgery soon and need to recover so they probably won't be back until mid November at the earliest.  I miss them a lot...............nothing compares to my date day with Dad. 

Friends are now really gearing up for MY BIG FAT PURPLE BENEFIT and of course I'm stressing nobody will come.  We are down to the last month before we kick the fun night off with a great dinner and dancing, music, silent auction and even a dessert auction................I know it will be a super fun and very memorable night so trying to keep my thoughts on that.  Tickets are available at www.CancerDiva.com


Even though my body is falling apart little by little, I am so thankful that I can get up and go to work everyday..........or at least most days.  I usually have to take a day or two after my 2nd chemo week in a row.  Something about week #2 just kicks my ass and flares up a new side affect too, as if I need more!!!!!!!

Cancer affects everyone so differently...........even my Tanner.  There has been so much unusual silence between Tanner and I since I saw him over 4th of July.  We usually share EVERYTHING and that door just went the opposite direction, but he was over on Monday and we got a chance to talk one on one.  Things are much better now.  It's true though, some people pull in much closer and others need the space to digest and deal with the reality of my cancer.

I have decided, given the odds/5 year survival rate that I am living on borrowed time.  DON'T GET ME WRONG!  I AM BEATING THIS TUMOR! but I have no idea what the 5 year future holds so we are making some priority changes.  Changes in our lifestyle and many positive food choices and changes.  I would love to live a long time and can see if that is the case, little miss Diva Dawn needs to get her healthy A game on!  Tim is 100% on board!  We already have a gym picked out to join in January when I'm recovered from surgery.  I think the big change for me is no processed foods and no more white flour or sugar products.  Right now I'm eating whatever I can get to taste good in my mouth, which is not much but when metal mouth is gone....................I believe I will have a whole new appreciation for food, good food that is good for me!

TIME............we never have enough.  More than anything, we need to savor the time we spend with others.  It really is priceless! I got some sofa time with Cheryl (I refer to her as my big sis) last night and it was so nice to be able to break down and cry and just express how hard the journey is.  Tim sees that everyday, but I hide it from most and sugar coat my day as much as possible.  Complaining won't make it better but sometimes you have to get the bad feelings out, or they just brew inside of you.  Think about your time and who you share it with.....................make the people that love you and make you a better person a priority in your life...........they won't be around forever, and neither will you.  Savor time like you know  your expiration date.............What changes would you make, if any, in your life if the odds were you were not going to live beyond the next 5 years?  as in 95% chance you won't live beyond the next 5........that is a  GINORMOUS odd.  Think about it.

LIVE WITH PASSION
DJ

Winning each day....

It has become obvious to me now that I can't win each day.  There are going to be days where the side affects win and the best I can do is rest and focus my energy on recovering.  Winning the day and getting to go out and go to work and pretend like I'm not sick is the only way I know to get through this journey.  This week has hit hard, I'm now on a fluid diet until I figure out how to manage the bloating and swelling.  It just got too painful to eat.  Laying on the bed like a 400 lb beached whale in pain is not my idea of a good time. LOL  I feel better since I stopped eating though.

Each month is magnified from the month before.  I'm grateful I only have two and half months to go, but YIKES, I have two and half months to go. LOL  I know I can only do one day at a time.  That's all any of us can do!  It just seems overwhelming.

I broke down the other night with Tim.  You know one of those OMG I can't do this anymore moments.  Tim is such an angel, and always gets me through them.  He layed down with me and kept me focused on all the good.  However, at the same time, he always gives me permission to feel bad and have as many bad moments as I need to get through the journey.  I love him so much!

The relationships we keep really do define who we are.  I am so blessed to have so many people that love me and are caring for me.  My friends are angels, true angels!  I am just falling apart at the seams but my friends are like the glue holding me together.  We are bonded like that.  I don't have to talk to my friends everyday to know they are there..........praying, caring, and loving.  However, I know all I have to do is call and they'd be here with anything that I needed.  Don't you have friends like that?  You can go months without talking or seeing them, and yet just pick right up where you left off like not time ever passed.  The love of friends makes this world go round.

I am fatigued...........battling bloody nose, my pain in my nails has spread to my hands and feet, knee joints are giving out, constant watering eyes so I can't see, plus the bloating and swelling is handicapping me quite a bit and confining me to my bed.  I will call the Dr. today and see how to proceed..........I don't know if chemo or medications are causing all this havoc????? so I'm off the meds to try and give my body a rest.  I'm grateful for these 3 days off work so I can rest up and hopefully be back to functioning on Monday like a somewhat normal person. LOL

Call a friend today that you have not talked to in awhile!  Just to say I love you!
LIVE WITH PASSION
DJ

I think Week #2 is winning.........LOL

Man, I have been out of it since yesterday, just can't seem to get my get up and go.  Even the vitamins are not working.  Fatigue has really set in, as is some nausea, nails hurting, swollen face, watering eyes, scratchy throat..................UGH but thank heavens I don't have chemo this week so should be feeling some relief by the weekend.  I hope!

I miss being able to do stuff................like the grocery shopping and getting out of the house for a break from the routine (rut is more like it LOL).  Don't do much be bed rest when I get home.............I sleep a lot. 

When I got to work today, I bent down at the copier to get some paper and I could barely get back up.  My knees did not want to support me.  I'm so bloated, it feels like I'm about 9 months pregnant STILL. 

Have to keep my eye on the ball, Nov. 3rd last chemo and then a road to recovery and preparing for the big surgery in December.  Excited for my hair to start growing back! and being able to taste food again.  Hopefully in time for Thanksgiving!!!  My favorite holiday, and my brother and his family are flying up for the holiday, how awesome is that????????

My aunt is in town for the week from Arizona so will get to see her. She was big sister to my Mom.  I have not seen her in years so will be nice catching up, just wish under better circumstances.

Have a blessed day and enjoy the sunshine, it is gorgeous out there!  Definitely a topless day if I can get the energy to put the top down LOL

LIVE WITH PASSION
DJ

a nice weekend....

It has really been a nice weekend off from the office, I do have to admit!  We got to spend a beautiful Saturday with friends on their boats yesterday (THANK YOU GARY & LUDIE, SHANE & TANJA!) It was the perfect day for me in a long time.  Got to get out of the house and out of my lazy rut but yet enjoy a relaxing day with great friends and enjoy the sunshine for a change.  It was just perfect and what the Dr. ordered!  Love to you all so much for being so patient with me and getting me back to the car so I could sleep in my own bed at night.  xoxoxxxo

Today, I got to do a final walk thru with my niece and Kyle, her husband and see the Jump's again in their new soon to be house in Buckley.  Always a treat getting to see them, my niece just rocks this world!  especially mine, she's such a beautiful person.  I'm so proud of the women she's grown up to be!!!!!!  Love her to pieces.  They brought me back a beautiful glass blown fish wine stopper that I can't wait to use when I'm back off the wine wagon. LOL  Darn I miss my wine but the New Year and the New me will be here before we know it! 

Tim and I ran errands most the day, and although my face is swollen up like a balloon and look awful, we've got a lot done today!!  I'm exhausted so taking it easy the rest of the night.  Also have a lot of bloating today too.  I'm out of the steroids which I usually take 4 days after chemo to control the swelling and redness so will fill that prescription up in the morning once I get to the office.  Keep getting little sores in my mouth too, one goes away, then a new pops up but nothing like what I had a few weeks ago so I'm not going to complain, I can manage one or two at a time.  LOL  It's the mouthful that went into overdrive. 

I can't get over how blessed we are to have such great friends.........everyone is so kind too, calling me beautiful and gorgeous when I know I look really scary.  It is just so sweet of everyone to be so incredibly kind during this tough journey.

I am grateful to have this week off chemo so I can recover some of my energy which got zapped again this week.  The vitamins are certainly helping but I feel the fatigue a lot too since chemo on Thursday.  I must be the luckiest cancer patient in the world to get a week off chemo every month, I don't think I could handle anymore than what I'm doing right now...............that week off is always my salvation and keeps me going.

Hope you all are having a blessed day!  LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

Miss my normal eyes....

I was looking at a picture taken early on when I started chemo but didn't have the eye problems yet...............DARN I miss my old face!  These swollen watering like sprinkler system left on is wearing on me.  My eyes are sealed shut in the mornings and I have to pry them open, and then try and get the swelling down so I can see for a bit.  I'm going to talk to Picozzi tomorrow and see if there is anything that might help slow the production of tears down so I can function better.

I am praying my face goes back to the way it was...............had one gal tell me that her friend's skin never went back, it stayed super dry................UGH  Are you kidding me?  I'm going to assume all will go back to normal over time and I've got a couple products that some of you have told me to try (thank you Shari and Linda!!) and I'm optimistic they will help on this journey.  It's just finding that right product that helps.

Now, every time I eat I get super duper bloated, even if it's just some pretzels to help settle my stomach...................now I feel 9 months pregnant all the time too. LOL  Even though my weight is down, the water retention and bloating makes it look like I've gained 10 lbs....................can't really worry about stuff like that right now though, but it's uncomfortable.  I have a  new born compassion for pregnant women right now though. LOL

I miss my Dad already.  He flew back to Alabama to take care of him and the house but will be back in a month.  We've still got MamaLou so will take care of  her and her us while he's gone.  She's been amazing!  Will miss the next 3 chemo dates with Dad, but I've got one with Sandy tomorrow, then Jackie and MamaLou so really looking forward to some quality girl time!  Sandy and I are going to pick all these wine corks for projects tomorrow.  Our fingers will hurt by the time we leave.............LOL

Well, this exercise bike is staring at me so I better wrap this up and go see if I can peddle my way to some more energy.  I am doing better since I started on the Greensource vitamins, but still need to exercise some each day.

Embrace your health today and all the love!
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

LOVE..........

LOVE, the most powerful force in the universe! Without it, we have nothing.  It's not just the love of a soul-mate that we desire so much, it's the love of friends and family that really make our worlds go round.  I have put so much emphasis on health and how blessed you should feel if you have yours in tact, but really it's the LOVE that matters!  So don't be afraid to love generously.  By our age, we've all been hurt (scarred for life) but you can't live in the past and allow those scars to dictate your future.  You have to learn to forgive and move on or you just end up caging yourself in and not experiencing the true love God intended you to give and receive.

I was recently reminded of my own scars.  I've been deeply hurt, betrayed and it took me years to recover from it.  Those are lost years, but I'm open and happy now and you should be too!!  I'm blessed to have Tim who I truly believe is my soul-mate.  He's so good for me, to me and with me.  We laugh a lot together!!  He calls me out on my bullshit and won't let me run away when things get challenging.  He's being an absolute angel on this journey, where I think most men would have moved on and said, "I didn't sign up for this journey".  I'm proud to be with Tim, he's a good man with a huge heart of gold!!!!!!! and tons of love to give and I have tons to give him back.

You don't realize how much your friends really love you until you get in such difficult times and they just rise to the occasion.  I know my cancer has touched each friend differently.  All of you have responded in your own unique way, yet the depth of your love if the common thread and I feel beyond blessed to have so many friends that care and love me so much.  I hope I am as good a friend to you as you are to me.  It's THAT love from friends that has kept my world in a beautiful place and kept me incredibly happy! 

Since losing my mother in 1999, my heart opened up to more people.  It just takes a lot more people to fill the void she left behind.  She was my best friend, so back then my social circle was smaller because I had her so much of the time and she was such a big part of my life.  Her absence sent me many many new angels that I get to now call friend.  Because my family is so far away, I have come to think of my friends as my family.  They feel the same to me, that's how tight the bond has become.  How blessed is that?????????

We only have so much time here and now, so love deeply, passionately, and generously!  I think the more you love the better and happier your life will unravel into a beautiful life.  Holding back out of fear of pain, is just preventing the true bliss and joy that you can experience in this lifetime.  Like I said, we've all been hurt and if you are younger, then it's just a matter of time.  However, no matter how broken your heart may feel, it never stops beating, even though you may have those days when the pain is overwhelming and you want it to stop.  It doesn't. You move on and move on you must!

I am doing well.  I'm so fortunate to be breaking records and beating this thing called cancer.  I feel badly for those not getting the good news I get each week when I go in.  The daily grind of side affects is horrible but I can get through this journey with the love and support you all are giving me on a daily basis.  I have so much to look forward too!!!!  Like tasting food and not having my eyes watering like a faucet constantly.  I can't wait to look normal again. LOL  I'm anxious to not have metal mouth anymore, hopefully by Thanksgiving it will be mostly gone and I can taste my favorite holiday!!  My last chemo is scheduled for Nov. 3rd so I'm hopeful things will be getting back to normal weeks later. Not that Tim and I are making out like 9th graders on this journey, but I wonder if he taste the metal like I do LOL  Just a funny thought.

Live like your dying peeps and you'll be fine!!!!!!!!!!
LIVE WITH PASSION
DJ

Attitude

Today officially started Week #1 of my 2nd 9 week lag of chemo.  It went well, started earlier than usual, we had an 8am instead of a 2pm appointment due to not getting scheduled soon enough but it's all good.  Just bummed that I had miss work since our August sales meeting was today :(  Week 1 always goes good, it's week 2 that I fear. LOL

We met a family (mother has lung cancer) today in the elevator/lobby. Today  was her very first day of chemo.  I could tell they were all scared and confused and at that phase where you just don't know much.  I shared as much of my journey with her as I could and gave her my card to call me if she had any questions or just wanted a shoulder to lean on.  I felt bad for them, her cancer has spread to her blood and brain.  STILL, I believe the very first step to fighting cancer is BELIEVING you don't have cancer and pretending like you don't have cancer.  Attitude is the single one most important thing on this journey, and quite honestly, I think ANY journey you are taking.  What you believe on a regular basis unfolds into your life, no matter what it is so, careful of the thoughts you allow in since it's the life you let out.

I'm so blessed with the most amazing support group, starting my Dad and MamaLou.  It's always such a treat getting to share good news with you all!!!  I'm doing great, breaking records, and well on my way to a full recovery.  However, it all started on day 1 with my attitude.  I have chosen to pretend I am healthy and everything else just falls into play accordingly.  I have my days filled with fear, fear of the side affects though, not the outcome.  The outcome is me healthy and happy and 100% cancer free forever!  I don't want this back and am willing to endure the pain now to keep it that way. 

Due to the extreme fatigue that has set in, I am experiencing atrophy in my body from lack of movement.  Sooooooooooooo, this month my focus is on exercising a little each and every day.  Tim also got me started on greensource vitamins which give you energy and I can already tell a world of difference.  He also is taking walks with me (it's romantic to me) I am also starting to take pancreatic enzymes to help along this journey.  Now, that I have the inside figured out, need to get the outside figured out.  This damn skin peeling thing is crazy and I'm anxious to try some new products that were suggested from my support group.  Something out there has got to get this constant peeling under control.  I'm willing to try anything.

I'm drinking a lot more fluids now too since I discovered Gaterade.  Flushing this chemo thru me as quickly as possible can only help with the side affects. 

On facebook today I asked everyone to write down 100 things they have to be grateful for.............I think when you take the time out of your day to really FEEL grateful and focus on gratitude instead of dreams, you just inched your way closer to your dreams!  Again, attitude is everything so have a grateful one at that!

Being on this journey has my eyes wide open to just how fortunate we all are.  Sitting in the chemo lobby and seeing the fear and pain in the eyes of the patients really hits home.  Their world has been turned upside down and the last thing on their mind is their attitude.  Yet, it's still working to lead them on their journey which could be good or bad.  It all starts in the mind, not the body!  What they think determines the action they will take.  Action creates reaction and that my friend is life.

I'm also going to type out a list of positive affirmations to help me keep my fears in check.  I know if I keep saying and talking about week #2 then it is inevitable that week #2 will bring some new bad effect that I will have to deal with.  I think writing down and reading my affirmations daily will keep me focused on the good and my fear will disappear along with any negative side affects.  Seeeeeeeeeeee, we are back to attitude.  I have to BELIEVE that I already have all the affects that I'm going to have, nothing new will come along.  THIS is as bad as it gets for Dawn!  I can handle this one day at a time.

My Dad leaves to go back home to Alabama on Tuesday.  He'll be gone for a month but I still have MamaLou here and looking forward to dates with her!  As much as I miss my mother (daily) and some days more than others, I don't think my mother would have handled this journey well.  I'm glad I have Lou to help feel that motherly void.  She's been AMAZING on this journey and beyond supportive, not only for me, but for my Dad and Tim as well.  She's just a little pistol and I love her to pieces!  There is just a peace of mind knowing I have a Mom down the street if I need ANYTHING.  Plus it's a bonus that she's so talented and creative so she's going to help us make some auction pieces too which will be fun!!!  I love my girl time!!

My motto today is no matter what challenge lays ahead of you, get your mind in the game first, in a winning game!

LIVE WITH PASSION
DJ

Fatigue...............not a fashion statement.

There are moments that seem so overwhelming.  I have expected to be tired on this  journey.  People have even used the word "getting a dose of fatigue" when referring to chemo.  However, this is way more than I signed up for. LOL  I am so high energy that I just assumed I'd be affected by maybe half of what most people are.  Boy was I wrong.  I mean my legs and knees are feeling funny like it is a major workout for me to just get up and down stairs now.  This is what it must feel like to be 100 years old!  only problem here, I'm only 48.  LOL

I am not sure if I should be resting so that I can savage the energy up to use eating utensils or be forcing myself to work out and walk around the block each day.  What if atrophy sets in?  then what? 

There is not enough moisturizer on the planet to get my skin through this.............I wish there was one magic brand that did the trick.  LOL  I heard watercress nuts are good for your skin so am going to start eating them LOL  I get the "you are what you eat" so I'm trying to eat healthier.  But in the meantime, I just wish I could have a day here and there where my skin was not all swollen and peeling and the eyes could rest from tearing up all day long............just a little break in the cycle. LOL

I have discovered Gatorade taste good so now I can get some fluids through me and hopefully flush the chemo through my system more quickly and efficiently.  I get overwhelmed when I think I've got chemo until Nov. 3rd.  That is just a lifetime away with these daily side affects.  I'm thinking Gaterade in a champagne flute taste even better! LOL

My goal is to focus on August.............and August only.  It's a long month, but it's finally summer here so everyone should be happier.  I can't go out and enjoy the sun but am happy for all of you that can.  Don't put off enjoying today just because you think tomorrow you can.  Today really is a gift.............it might be the best of what you have so make it so!  Love more today!  Laugh more today!
and share yourself with others in any way that you can.  For God sake, don't sweat the small stuff...........................today is YOUR day!  SAVOR IT!
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

T.M.I. (too much information)

So I'm busy getting ready for my 30 year high school class reunion last night and I have this Epiphany!  If my mouth tastes so bad (like a mouth full of dimes) and everything else that comes out of my body smells like metal...........then I can only imagine how bad my breath must be too!  So I start to panic and chew gum like some trailer park girl in the barns of Alabama. LOL  I wonder how my people my breath has offended in my office.............LOL  Anyway, just wanted to share that thought, I know probably too much information but I warned you.

The reunion was lovely................incredible location, food was good, but the company was amazing!  If you were wondering where are the beautiful people were last night, they were a the Tacoma Yacht Club!!  Aside from my face peeling, eye watering, and some fatigue, I felt as good as I could for the night, and even made it to 10:30pm which is a record for me yet.  Everyone was so kind and nice and generous.  Brenda Lee brought me a stunning bouquet of beautiful roses when it should have been me giving them to her!!  I have them in my kitchen window to savor up!!!!!!!  Angela took this big flower bling ring off her finger and put it on my finger for chemo days...........I LOVE IT, in fact I know I will wear this a lot more than just on chemo days...........but what a  nice reminder of the girlfriends past we had.  We were connected at the hip and at a time in the world where it seemed like all we had was each other.  The rest of the world didn't matter.  We created our own private place to get us through our difficult times back in junior high school.

I got a full night sleep last night with Lunesta...............Just feel heavy today, maybe it's not all worn off since I took it so late from getting home from the reunion.  I can see I really need to start exercising, no matter how little or how hard it is.  It's getting harder and harder to get up the stairs, like some little old granny at the end of the day.  I may try walking around the block at work at lunch everyday when it's nice just to get my legs moving.  Every little bit will help I think.

Sprint had to do a hard reset on my phone yesterday so I'm lost with out some numbers again and have to wait for Tim and Sylena to get home to put back on the Dawn mojo that made it my phone for me.............so if you don't hear from me today and were expecting too, that's why..........it's like the phone just rolled out of the box.  UGH!

Today is a brand new day............be the person you want to be today!  Be kinder and expect more kindness out of others and see how it changes the outcome of your day!  Kindness is such a simple gesture.........start by smiling!!!
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

Thursday is the BIG day!

No chemo tomorrow (thank GOD!) but we have lots of tests at the hospital that should confirm our positive progress.  I of course am most excited to hear the word "OPERABLE".  Oh, I know I still have months of chemo left, but just having that piece of mind for a smooth surgery ahead in December will just make me feel better on the inside.  I know perhaps too optimistic but it's OK..........we are doing great no matter what.

As usual, week #2 of chemo completely kicked my ass............this time the new side affect of Freddie Kruger mouth and throat was just a bit too much for me. Today is day #3 on some new meds that are just starting to work.  I'm red as a beet so put myself back on the steroids to handle that so hopefully will look human for work tomorrow.  I stayed in bed most the day today............lot of nausea and tummy troubles.  I have not eaten much in the past three days (-10 lbs), but today got some solid foods in me, just enough to make me sick.  LOL  Although it didn't feel good, taste good, or look good...........at least I got a little nutrition.  Much needed nutrition.

I stopped my Emerald Smoothie.  They make a lean out drink there with banana and peanut butter with protein that just might be my salvation on this food journey.  The cold feels great on my throat and I can actually get some of it down.  Pat (the owner there in Federal Way) was also gracious enough to give me a can of energy drink that is for chemo patients.  I'm not an energy drink gal but will give it a whirl when I feel better and see if it helps me in any way.  He wanted me to keep him posted.............but what a nice guy just wanting to help me.  I am sure he could clearly see I was having a horrible day.  LOL  Anyway, I just met him today and was deeply touched by  his generosity.

Speaking of generosity..........I just have to thank Mandy and all the staff at MeMeandcompany for all their love and support in helping me get through the hard physical affects.  Everyone is donating and helping me in every way that they can................like little angels flying around the salon.  Anxious to move my nail service there and convert to the new shalak everyone is hyped about!  That will be next month!!  No more gels for me!

I'm enjoying the peace and quiet in the house...............nobody or anything to constantly be cleaning up after. LOL  The cleanliness cleans my mind.........funny how that works. LOL  My neighbors even brought my garage cans up for me yesterday...................how sweet is that???

I'm telling you, I run into an angel everywhere I go..................I feel so blessed.  Oh, I'm frustrated missing work and being attached to the bed, but I guess if your body has to rest, it just collapses on you and says, I'm all done today girl............you ain't goin no where! LOL  and so I listen.

The miracle mouthwash, as gross as it is, is working..........I can tell I have fewer sores now and the mouth is just now starting to heal................still a week left on the meds but at least we have a little improvement.

I wish you all peace and good health tonight.............and all the wonderful things I miss...............tasting, appetite, smiling, laughing, etc.........the list goes on forever but you get my point.
LIVE WITH PASSION
DJ

Dear God,

I've been thinking about you a lot today.  Why?  Probably because today is one of the harder days you've placed before me.  I've been pretty sick since Friday and just today got some new meds from the Dr. that will hopefully pave the way to a healthier throat/mouth so I can actually smile again.

I still can't tell you why I'm here today on this path.  However, I know you are making me stronger, even though if feels like you're trying to kill me.  My spirit is so crushed.  My inside smile is so buried within all this pain and agony that it gets harder and harder each day to find the strength to keep moving forward.  I know I know I know the light is shining at the end of this tunnel.  It's just from where I am today, the tunnel seems too long.

I am reminded of all that I have taken for granted for soooooooooo long.  #1 being my health.  This waking up to tears and constant watering of the eyes is like a cleansing of everything I used to take for granted.  Even typing on a keyboard now hurts my nail beds.  It's so many little things, too many to even list out.  However, I want everyone to know how lucky they are to have the gift of health, even if it's not perfect health.    Being able to wake up and smile every day, even if you don't want too, is a miracle!  Nobody should take that for granted, ever.

If I had 3 wishes, my first one would be good health for everyone.  I realize without it, your life is different.   I know there are people in the hospital going through chemo with much much worse than me, so I should feel blessed that I'm even able to get out bed and go to work each day.  I just miss me.  I miss the abundance of energy and happiness.  I just want the old me back.

My next wish is for your strength.  I need you now more than ever.  I thought when Mom died that would be the worse thing I would ever have to go through.  This is different though.  This wears on your soul and spirit.  It changes the dynamics of each day and how you see and breathe.  I  need your help to face each day with hope and not fear.  It seems with each chemo I get weaker and some new horrible side affect surfaces that is so dramatic.  I'm hoping the $130 worth of new medications will attack my mouth and throat and this is simply a minor detour and not part of my normal routine until Nov. 3rd (my last day of chemo) before surgery.

My 3rd wish is that this hardship will create a huge positive ripple on other's lives.  I can not go through this without some purpose.  Some higher purpose that I just know you must intend for me to complete.  There may not be an ending, but the journey and the story must inspire and motivate and help others.  This can't be just for me.  Please guide me along this path, and hold me when I can't hold myself. 

I'm grateful dear God for all the people you have wrapped around my life to take this journey with me.  For, as you know, I could not do this alone.  I'm so grateful to have my Dad and MamaLou so close.  We have spent a lifetime across the miles, and now our love and this journey brings us closer and they are my salvation. 

My friends are the most amazing people I've ever met.  However, I didn't need to get cancer to be reminded of that.  I have been very conscience of who I surround myself with.  I've always told my boys, careful who you spend the most time with, you become the seven people you hang around the most.  Well, I have more than a seven, but they are your gifts.  I love them with all my heart and will carry this journey for them, so they never have too.  Remember, that is our DEAL!!!!

I love you first and foremost and am just reaching out to you because I need you so much.  I feel broken and I don't like it.  When I get to that point of shutting people out so I can be alone, it's because I'm weak and I  need my time with you.  Please hold me tonight so that I feel rested and better for a new tomorrow.
Please help the medicines do their job so I can function and continue to be there for others in whatever capacity they may need me, even if just for a smile.

I know I have a long road and I'm not giving up.  I'm just at a speed bump and want to hold your hand tighter than usual.  I'm afraid I can't take as much as you think I can.  Why do you think I am this strong?  For crying out loud.........it's not that I don't trust you, I know you will not give me more than I can bear.........please give me strength now.

Today, Annie in my office brought me a beautiful cross that I just wanted to kiss the minute she handed it to me.  It's more like a charm to hang in my office but I wanted to put it around my neck it was so pretty and made me feel close to you.  There's even a little charm on it that says "HOPE"..... Of all the days for her to bring it to me, it fell on the day I have felt I needed you the most, as of yet.  Funny how you work in mysterious ways...............she was a messenger from you to me.  God I love you so much!

I have all the hope in the world..............but with the daily grind of symptoms and side affects, comes some fear and this is where I need you to keep me strong, OK?

So my top 3 prayer wishes,
#1 Good Health for everyone
#2 Your strength to get through this journey peacefully
#3 Positive ripple for others 

Through Jesus Christ, AMEN
LIVE WITH PASSION
DJ

Some really bad affects kicking in...

My throat has not recovered since chemo on Thursday.............it feels all swollen up, hurts and I think I have thrush all the way down..............UGH.  Nothing seems to tone it down making eating a chore.  No more meals for me for awhile, just cereal and ice cream.  UGH which both taste horrible but gotta get something down the pipes.  Plus now I have two cold sores on the side of my mouth that really hurt...............I've never had them before, OUCH!!!  Feels like someone sliced a razor along the edge of my mouth.

I'm just resting today, not even getting out of my nightshirt since I have no energy.  It's a beautiful day but I just want the house clean for the week while Tim and Sylena are gone so I can relax and rest as much as possible so I'm ready for my 30 year reunion on Friday after work!

Your life is still YOU life so you go enjoy this weather and make the most of each day you have that is healthy and make it as happy as you can!!!!!!!  I'm run down right now so making this blog short...............I know you understand.

LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

First cocktail on the house lol

Life is RICH

Life really is amazing when you think of the ripple (good or bad) that you make in a day.  I know that my purpose is not filled in a day i i have not inspired, motivated and put a smile on somebody face somewhere in my day.  There are so many books out there about the purpose of your life or living your purpose, none of which I've read. LOL  It's just I know I am happiest when I'm helping someone else, it's jut how I roll.

I thank you all for when you repost something I facebook, it's so nice to know that something I shared gets passed onto someone else.  That's what we all need to so, is share more and love more.  What's the point of hiding behind some wall being afraid to get hurt.  Geez, being hurt is when you really access how deep you are capable of feeling, it cuts you open and you feel all that mush pout out LOL  My goal is to let the mush out willingly in a positive way and not worry about the bleeding heart again.

I don't know why I have cancer.  Never willl.  That is just one of the many frustrations that comes with this journey.  Really though, even if it was too much milk, red meat, carbs, whatever, or the air I was breathing when I was 13........................I can't go back and change what had lead me to here, anymore than you can change what has led you to where you are.  The ONLY thing we can do with our life now where it is now, is LIVE it to it's fullest.  You can change the person you are into the person you want to become.  Not overnight, but one day at a time.  Starting by being grateful!!!!!!!!!

If you have your health, or most of it...............you have an AMAZING life that is all yours to savor and share.  Please don't let anyone detour you from the life you dream.  Not even for a moment.  Let the negative energy just roll off and go where it may be............don't let it fester or manifest itself inside of you.  I'm not saying you can't have a bad day................we all have those, but keep them in check.  One can lead to another and then next thing you know you've had a bad week, month, year.................check and balance my dear friends.

I miss food................I am really dreaming of a romantic dinner with Tim with some nice wine at the end of this journey.  I miss the wine and cheese tastings we used to do.................I am sure I will savor food so much more and appreciate every single explosion of flavor one bite at a time.  From a Dick's burger to a lobster dinner or Italian dinner we both love....................even my chicken mac and cheese is missed.  Amazing how we take food for granted, even a Starbucks tastes like crap.  I am however finding some flavor in nuts.  LOL so looking into cereals with nuts in them and I do like the texture of the Harry David dark chocolate moose munch.  Not that it tastes good like it know it does, but the texture and I can taste the nuts in it, so cracker jacks might work too. LOL

Now, about this facial I had this week thanks to http://www.envyonalki.com/ Trudy Muller was AMAZING.  I have only had two facials in my life................both on vacation.  One is Mexico and one in San Diego but neither compared to the pampering this gal gave my face.  If you have never had a facial YOU MUST GO SEE HER IT WILL BLOW YOU MIND!!!!!!!!!!  I came out feeling like I had a new face and was so relaxed...........her music was perfect the the aromatherapy was perfect.  This is a 5 START place!!!  conveniently located just a block off Alki.  You won't regret this!!!

I'm sitting here in chemo now.............round II for this month.  Hoping I don't get my ass kicked like it did last month but we'll see.  I feel good coming in aside from a bit a nausea last night.  Dr is late as usual so looks like we are going to be here for awhile....AGAIN LOL  I enjoy the time with Dad though.  I even entered a Hallmark contest and filled in their blank "BLANK is a special occasion contest yesterday to share my chemo dates with Dad story..............will see if anything comes of it.  Would be nice to win the grad prize of $5000 and be on their commercial.  LOL  If I make it into the semi finals will need your help to vote for my story on facebook. LOL  It always comes down to them building facebook awareness huh? LOL

OK............getting meds and then the cocktails..........over and out
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

Crazy Grateful

I am just so crazy grateful for all my facebook friends and all the outpouring of love and support from everyone that it just oozles out of me!

Anytime I get down and upset over one of these side affects like today..............my eyes are just puring with tears and I can hardly see, I think how lucky I am to be loved and have so many people praying for me.  It fills me with what God intended us all to be filled up with and be giving every single day.........LOVE.

Did I mention you should be savoring you food.............LOL  Gosh I miss my taste buds!  I am however doing better getting water down since I was hypnotized ~ THANK YOU ALICIA!!!!!!  If you have anything you need help overcoming, she's your gal!  You won't regret one minute with this amazing woman no matter what you have to overcome!!!!!!!!  contact her at 253 297-3699

Excited for my facial today.................you know my skin is soooooooooooooooooooo dry and my hands and feet are constantly peeling.  Will be so nice to get this complimentary facial and get some deep moisture on my face again, even if only for a bit.  www.EnvyonAlki.com is doing this complimentary for me from a referral of one of my agents here in the office.  THANK YOU JILL!!!!!!!

I am working on another mailer..............need to get my inventory built back up for Fall.  So if you know of anybody thinking of making a move this year..............please let me know.  I have a full team in place for if/when I need the support so don't let my cancer detour you from using my real estate services.  It's one of the best ways to help me, keep me working!  Keeps me happy!

From the bottom of my heart.....................and even deeper than that!  THANK YOU for your love and support.  All these prayers are working and I know I have nothing to worry about other than tackling the daily affects of chemo.  The light is shining brightly for me because of you at the end of this tunnel! and thank you just does not seem like enough, but it's all I have right now. 

When I win the lottery, we're all going on an appreciation cruise together!
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

Amazing what we take for granted....

My workshop went so-so today.  There were only 4 other women with cancer in there, two nice instructors, and two of the other cancer patients had friends with them.  It was weird.  It was like pulling teeth to carry a conversation with any of them, I guess they were not ready to talk or make friends.  I quickly learned everyone has their own unique journey with cancer and handles communication quite differently.  That includes me.  I didn't learn anything new but got a few skin care items that I'll use.  Most of the make up would not work for my skin tone even though I selected the medium one.  I came out looking more  like a clown since the colors were all off. LOL  It was free what can I say?

We took my parents to the Southern Kitchen in Tacoma last night for dinner so they could enjoy some a southern home cooked meal for a change that they would not have to cook.  Tim found it on Diner, Drives, and Dives with Guy.  I thought is was as good as it could have been with my metal mouth but the wait was long and parents were not convinced any of it was from scratch. LOL  I ate too much and my tummy has still be trying to recover.  I have to eat tiny tiny meals or my stomach can't digest the food.  High maintenance.  UGH

I am overwhelmed at what we take for granted every day like eating.  We just take for granted when we drink a cup of coffee that it will taste like coffee, chicken chicken, chocolate chocolate or whatever.............I am telling you it is WEIRD not being able to taste the taste of real food, good or bad.  Washing your food down with dimes is so gross!  I really look forward to food and beverages tasting like they should again.  Water is the toughest and that is why I went to hypnosis, to help me get over that.  Now trying to convince myself that all water taste like cranberry juice.  I heart cranberry juice with no sugar added, not the flavored ones, just the straight up cranberry tart stuff!

Sun is out and so I'm going to cut this short and go for a walk, I think it will do me some good!
LIVE WITH PASSION AND SAVOR YOU FOOD! YOU ARE BLESSED!
DJ

skpshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..........

THAT's the sound of me opening a can whip-ass on cancer.  We are elated that my cancer marker came down from 178 to 21.5 yesterday!  Talk about that light at the end of the tunnel getting brighter!  I need to wear shades now!

I am feeling well, have all my prescriptions filled, have a happy pharmacy to do business with and I start hypnosis tomorrow with Alicia Talley of Hypnotherapy.  She's helped me so much in the past with the challenges of my last divorce and I know she'll get me in full harmony with my chemotherapy.  I'm excited to have her love, help and support on this journey, what a blessing!

I am also really excited to take the leap and attend a group class for women going through chemo and receive some professional training on all the physical changes we go through on this journey.  I have not wanted to be around anyone with cancer, but with this last side affect of the over tearing of the eyes, I'm ready to see how others are dealing with the disconnect of who they see in the mirror every morning.  Am sure I will learn lots in this 2 hour work shop over at Providence Cancer center and hopefully make some beautiful friends along the way.

No big weekend plans other that resting and letting my batteries recharge for the following work week.  Busy trying to financially plan this journey out to the end of the year.  My last chemo session is on Nov. 3rd with the 10th being another CT scan, full xrays and blood work up.  They want a 4 week gap between my last chemo and surgery so that puts my earliest potential surgery date as December 1st, however Picozzi said that is negotiable.  However, for insurance reasons I need to work a few days in December before surgery and we are all just hoping and praying that Dr. Ryan works in December.  I will call him after the results of my CT scan scheduled on July 28th hopefully with the good news that my tumor is operable so I can get on his December schedule.  It's stressful trying to plan this out financially plus December is the best time to be off work for a month, nobody will miss me!  I'm doomed if Dr. Ryan pushes this into January.  Pray! Pray! Pray!

I bought a diuretic today.  I've never taken one before and hope that maybe since the tearing is caused from water rentention that the tears will stop when I take the diuretic.  It's worth a try.  I gained 6 lbs in water weight in a week!!!!!  EEWWWWWWWWWW!  Feels like I'm 6 months pregos!  LOL

We finally have the www.CancerDiva.com website up and live so you can go online and volunteer or order your tickets.  Space is limited so HURRY!  They are $50 pp and that includes dinner, spirits, music, dancing, karaoke, silent auction and dessert auction!  FUN TIMES ahead Oct. 7th at the Venue!  If you have a business to promote, sign up to be wine, beer, or bottled water sponsor.  You are also welcome to donate anything to the silent auction!

Let the Auction begin! Today we are auctioning off Mariners Tickets! 1 set of 2 tickets to Sunday August 28, 2011 Section 125 Row 13 Seats 5 & 6 vs Chicago White Sox. A VIP parking pass is included!! (at least $20 value). Tickets are currently being sold on Mariners.com for $69.12 ea (plus $7 fees ea). They are excellent seats, behind/to the right of home base; only 13 rows back! Highest bidder.

Hope you all have a fantabulous weekend!  Make it memorable! LIVE WITH PASSION! 
DJ 

Back to chemo

Well, we are back to week # 1 of this series of chemotherapy today.  I feel a little more anxious than normal.  It's also the first treatment with my port, which doens't feel totally healed yet so guess we'll see how smoothly this goes.  Am anxious to learn what the exta hole in my neck is for from surgery.

I've been going over in my head all my side affects and what I'm able to do to combat them.  Yes, I said combat because this is a war between Cancer and me.

1. Fatigue = Rest
2. Nausea = Prochlorperazine & Lorazepam (only works when taken together for me)
3. Insomnia = Zolpodem (aka Ambien)
4. Bloating = still working on a solution for this & getting used to looking pregnant.  I even have moment in there like I felt when I did have a baby in there.  WEIRD as I'm begging to wonder if there IS an alien in me on some days.
5. Occasional Severe Stomach Pains/Cramping = Vicoden as needed
6. Severe Red Dry Peeling Face days after chemo = Dexamethasone
7. Hair Loss = Shaved my head and wear hats, scars and gorgeous wigs!
8. Peeling hands and feets = lots and lots of lotion (bag balm)
9. Nail bed sensitivity = nothing but being extra careful when painting my nails
10. Extreme Metal Mouth = nothing helps this but I do eat with plastic siverware
11. Flush Mouth/Sores = Brush with Arm and Hammer w/Peroxide toothpaste and have to brush my cheeks and tongue really good but it works.  Taste like shit, but solves the probably beautifully
12. Excessive Tear Production = still working on a solution
13. Weight Gain/Water Retention = still working on a solution
14. Hypersensitivity to smells = trying to enjoy foods more with my nose instead of mouth that I love
15. Scars from chemo = Plan to get some of those mederma patches and see if they help reduce the burns
16. The daily psychological warfare between cancer and me = starting hypnosis on Saturday with plans to go every other week and see how I do, I may need this weekly to survive as we progresss further _ bug thank you to Alica Tally for coming to my rescue AGAIN!  Last time she treated me while I was going through my 2nd divorce and what a world of difference she made.
17. The pancreatic cancer odds = we don't discuss this,  My medical team is positive and determined to get me through this,  as are all my friends, family and ME!!!!!

On a positive note, I have regestered for a 2 hour workshop at Providence put on by ACS and FeelGoodLookBetter foundation so that I can get some hands on help on how to look good with all these physical handicaps coming at me.  It will also be nice to meet some other women that are going through the same thing I am.  I never thought I'd want to put myself into a group setting, but I've changed and I want to do this like yesterday.  Waiting for a call back with my registration for Monday's class.  This will be the best thing I've done for myself in a while.

Part of my way of coping with cancer, is pretending I don't have it.  So, I have avoided other people with cancer like the plague.  Not that I think their cancer is going to jump off of them and onto me but I'm so much about energy.  I am very intentional about surrounding myself with positive energy.  Have you seen the energy on the chemo floor at a hospital?  No, you haven't because there isn't any.  Everybody deals with this differently and I don't want to be around those that are giving up, angry or just down right negative no matter how you slice and dice it.  On the other hand, I would be MORE than happy to help anyone that needs help that I may be able to offer, even if that means just feeding off my positive energy.  This is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through and feel it's important to help as many people as I can along the way.  I'm no expert but I know what I know and that I can share.  Nobody should have to go through this alone.

Is there a message in here for you?  YES....maybe YOU need to do a little house cleaning in order to have a happier life.  If you have negative people in your life, limit your time with them.  All those drama kings and queens, keep them at arms length.  Only surround yourself with positive people and you will be AMAZED at the impact just this one thing does for you.  There is a reason I'm so happy everyday, I love all the things around me, the people, places, etc.  Did you know happy people get sick less??

Now, to go back and get some sleep so I'm rested for my date with Dad today.........hmmmmmmm, what to wear, what to wear??????
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

It's not shopping. It's an adventure!

So we dediced to pop in this new Winco in Lacy where Tim thinks it will be a good store so we do some power shopping.  They happen to have the best buy on Muscle Milk Light in town!  However, I could have done without the bitch charging at me with her cart, yelling, "Excuse me Mama"  Now I see this cancer has turned me into some old hag called Mama.  I wanted to respond you're excused Bitch  this cancer is evil...........only at WINCO.  It's always an adventure in there.

Meltdown.....

For whatever reason today was a hard day.  Emotionally, today was overload.  You know what happens in a meltdown?  Yep......time to call Dad! LOL  My Dad for as long as I can remember, has ALWAYS had all the right stuff to say to me when I call him in tears.  Back in the day, that was the only time he'd hear from me, was when my world was falling apart around me.  That's why if too much time passes and I don't hear from my kids, I don't worry, they ALWAYS call when they are upset.  Well, today was one of those days for me.

As usual........Dad nipped it right in the bud.  He said, "Tut, you are so afraid of what you think you're turning into...." and that was all I had to hear.  He was right.  My fear is not of cancer of not beating this, my fear is what this is turning me into.  From where I sit, it's turning me into a snappy b-tch (and an ugly one at that!)....OK, maybe from Tim's perspective too. LOL  Seriously, I don't like what I see in the mirror and the feeling of being so short with people.  It scares me more than anything what is brewing deep inside. 

I understand that I have permission to get pissed off (but what's the point of that?) and I have permission to play the cancer card at anytime and say I'm just having a bad day..............but I miss ME.  I miss the way I used to look, and the abundance of joy that was inside of me the majority of the time.  What, did all that peel off with my skin in the shower too? 

Let's face it.  We ALL have a breaking point, I don't care how happy you are.  I'm not talking about having a bad day............this is a REAL feeling that is inside of me everyday..............waking up and not recognizing who's looking back at me...........and that disconnection has triggered a negative energy that I can feel everyday.  Call it cancer, or whatever you want.............it doesn't matter what we call it, it SUCKS! LOL

Dad's right though............I have to hang onto who I am.  Even if that means only by a thread every day.  I can't let THIS define me.  It has certainly detoured me which Dad explained is temporary.  He reminded me, I'm fighting for my life.  ALL this is temporary and the REAL me is and always will be inside of me.  Cancer can't change that, maybe for awhile, but not forever.

Everyone is being so understanding.........when in reality it's me that doens't understand.  It's me that does not have the patience for even one bad day.  I can't change this hand I've been dealt, but it will be me that decides how to play it out.  I can do this!  If I say that three times and click my heels I think I'll believe it!

It's so difficult to try and financially plan this out and then still have the energy and optimism to physically care for myself.  I guess at some point you just have to let go.  "this is me letting go" LOL

I love my parents.........they came to visit tonight............am sure they had too after that phone call in tears at lunch today.  I also got a pep talk from Barb in my office (thank you Barb for listening and caring so much).  Really, by the time I got home today I was a lot better.............I cling to those words "you're fighting for your life"..............sometimes I forget.  And for that FEAR.........False Expectations Appearing Real ~ Need to keep that in check from now on.  To beat cancer, you really have to kick fear's ass too. 

Help me laugh on this journey..............especially at myself.  It is the ONLY way I'm going to get thru each day.  I don't mean just on the inside.....I mean that out loud stuff I love so much!  It's impossible to feel bad when you are laughing so the more I laugh.......well, you get the picture.

Have I told you all we moved MY BIG FAT PURPLE BENEFIT to October 7th (Friday night at the Venue in Tacoma/Three Chicks Catering)?  I've got corks coming in and am making a wreath and a cork board to auction off..........it is really giving me something to look forward too!  Hope you are too!

Thank you so much for your patience with me during this difficult time.  If I snap at you, it's only because I love you.  (you do know we only hurt the people we love) LOL  I appreciate your permission to feel bad but mostly all the love you have for me and opening your heart and sharing who you are with me.  I am seeing the best of you and it's the most beautiful thing EVER!!!!!!

Let us all sleep peacefully tonight and have the blessing to wake up tomorrow and get to start over with a brand new day! (with no fear and less traffic!)
LIVE WITH PASSION
DJ

Side Effects......

....OK, this new side affect of over tearing of the eyes is REDONKULOUS!  In fact, I didn't believe it when the nurse told me there is nothing I could do, that this is a typical side affect from the Taxodene......  I'm beginning to think rat poisoning would be easier on my system than this taxodene is.  GEEZ!  I think my lash girl told me the nickname for Taxodene is Red Devil.........DUH!!!!!

My eyes have been crying not stop since Sunday to the point that I don't even look like me anymore.  WHO TOOK MY EYES?   lol  I am not sure I can take this for more days let alone months.....are  you kidding me?  I'm learning (one side affect at a time) that it's the ones that affect you visually not just physically that are the most disturbing.  I'm really not liking mirrors, not that they've always been my best friend because I'm so fat in them, but now they are just down right evil!

Like I was saying, I didn't beleive the nurse so I googled my way to the truth.  Which is........(insert drum roll here).  There is nothing for taxodene tears.  I'm going to try cucumbers and more sleep which she said might help since I'm getting only a few hours a day.  Yep, time to double up on the Ambien since it's not working at all for me now.

I also don't like my hands peeling........when do the symptoms stop popping up?  I'm going to look like a super alien but the end of these chemo treatments.  I think at least 3 layers of my face came off in the shower this morning......I kept rubbing and rubbing and peeling and peeling.........I'm not even using a scrub or a washcloth (not suppose too, now I know why LOL).

This is me whining showing my human side............I have to vent in here.  Not every moment is an inspiration, sometimes they're just moments.  And they ain't always pretty.  LOL

The crazy in all this is it's just pissing me off now.  The tears are causing road rage.  Drivers are irritating me now.  What used to roll off my sleeve now gets under my skin in the car.............just because I'm crying all the time??????  Drivers beware of a raging red convertible coming at you in your review mirror if you are not using you blinker and driving friendly.  I have cancer and it may as well be a shot gun LOL 

I thought a little shopping might make me feel better.......this is what I came out of Safeway with, and now that I'm home, it all sounds terrible...........vinegar salt pringles, vinegar salt lays, flat pretzels, round pretzels, super crunchy peanut butter, pomegranate pop sickles, acai berry pop sickles, velveeta mac & cheese, blue cheese chucks, ground turkey for lord only knows what for?????, and a dark recees.  LOL  Obviously, NOT the diet of champions!  OH, and I've decided to take a break from my Special K chocolate and see how I do with Cinnamon toast crunch.  LOL  I think cereal is the ONLY thing that tastes even close to what it should taste like and sometimes peanut butter does.  Imagine food with NO salt whatsoever.........bland and metal.............eeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwww!  That's what I taste, even toothpaste taste horrible.  I keep forgetting to get some cinnamon gum though..........that might be helpful.

I'm all done venting.................going to go have a Pringle moment now.
LIVE WITH PASSION ~ DJ