Breaking Dawn...

My deepest apology for going so long without writing and sharing my journey.  My laptop was at work and chemo finally got me to a point that I could not get around and make it to work.  Dad took me into the office last week for a visit so I could pick some things up.....like my laptop so here I am.

I think the headline for this post really fits.  LOL  Chemo certainly got me to my breaking point but I have also made some big positive changes in the past few weeks.  Let me start my saying how devastated I was not being able to go to work.  This was a couple months shy of my game plan so not only an emotional hit but a financial one too.  After two weeks of laying in bed though I finally accepted the circumstances and am trying to make the most of them.  Any of you that know me, know I am not the lay around in bed type so this is just shy of torture for me. The only thing missing from this picture is bon bons. LOL 

I have been so ashamed of how I look and feel that I have been pushing my friends away.  I am such an entertainer and love to host.  However, feeling so bad made me crawl into a cave and I figured I would just come out when I feel better, right????  WRONG!!!!!!!!!!  I had no idea how much I was hurting my dearest friends by not allowing them to help or come and see me.  I finally put myself in their shoes and realized how upset I would be if the roles were reversed and it was me being shut out in such a time of need for one of my friends.  Then came the tears and the guilt but it's been good as now I have an open door policy and friends are welcome anytime.  I've accepted there is no need to entertain, get dressed or play hostess, now is not the time for that.  But letting friends be friends is important!

Before I forget, I need to say THANK YOU to whoever sent the powdered chocolate muscle milk to the house.  I have been drinking it everyone morning, even on days I eat nothing.  It's been a big help in my nutrition!!!  There was no card so I have no idea where it came from, but thank you.

I can't get around anymore however, my friends have come to the rescue.  I now have a shower chair so can shower again (was having to bathe because I could not stand up).  Also have a wheelchair now too so can get out and about and hopefully do some more things with Tim and my peeps.  I think getting around in a wheelchair will be a huge learning curve and build a whole new appreciation for my legs and strength when I get them back.  Life in a wheelchair can't be fun but I'm going to see how fun I can make it. 

It's November.  My favorite month.  It's the month of gratitude!  As awful as things seem right now and scary, there is a million things to be grateful for and at the top is my family and friends.  No matter what your circumstances are, there is an incredible life out there to be lived with an endless amount of love.  Everyday I am touched my the love of my family and friends.  I am truly blessed and feel we all are.  You just need to open you heart and the rest will follow.

I know I hurt a lot of friends by saying no thank you and pushing them away and for that I'm terribly sorry.  I learned such a big lesson in all this.  Sometimes you just have to receive.  I find it much easier to give but I get it now.  Thank you for understanding.

All of us are at least a little scared.............none of know the outcome of surgery or the after treatment.  However, we're all being positive and expecting the best.  I can not thank you enough for all your support and prayers.  The prayers are working because this chemo may be almost killing me, but it's definitely killing the cancer!

LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ