Thursday was the most emotional chemo date I've had. In fact, I think it was the most emotional visit with Dr. Picozzi. Sometimes I think he doesn't believe how bad my side affects are because every time I see him, I look half way presentable and he always comments how great I look. I figured out that the steroids they put me on before and during chemo keep my facial swelling at a presentable level. My mission on Thursday, was to get a full prescription of steroids so I could travel the rest of this two months I have left looking somewhat like a normal person, and not an Asian Puff Fish.
Dr. Picozzi would not even consider it! He explained that there were too many negative side affects including that it would affect my surgery. So, no go on steroids. I had to fight back my tears. He went on to explain that this is a time to tap into my spirituality and inside. He offered group counseling and/or therapy but I declined. All the talking in the world will not change how I feel when I get up and look in the mirror every morning. I look sad. They say the eyes are the window to the soul, well mine always look sad. I can't hide the pain inside. It's like looking at a stranger. He went onto to say my friends don't care what I look like, and that I already know. This is not about my friends, this is about me getting lost along the way. My friends have been incredible and I could not possibly have a stronger support group and for that I'm so blessed.
Cancer attacks every single thing in your life...........not just your body. It attacks your physical, mental, spiritual, friends, family, work, financial, it really is evil! I do think I have a lot more to learn. I can't lose the light from within which I think is what I fear. It gets harder and harder to fight the fatigue and side affects of chemo each week. Geez, I have to tape four of my fingernails on just so I can type. LOL I think it might be time to have another date with God.........I just need to keep pushing forward. I'm over half way there now and know all this is temporary. I just had my heart set on those steroids and thought I had all my problems solved. LOL I don't like people to see me sick so I tend to go in hiding when I look and feel so bad.
I got emotionally drained on Thursday and have been nauseous and not feeling well ever since. I slept most of Friday. However, am back to work for the weekend and look forward to Monday for another day of rest. I am winning!! and need to be OK with having some bad days along the way. I have this next week off from chemo to get my wits back. YAHOO!
http://westseattleblog.com/2011/09/my-big-fat-purple-benefit-fundraiser-for-cancer-fighting-realtor Deeply touched that Alice Kuder contacted the West Seattle Blog to share my story. Check out the link!
By the time this journey is done.......I will really know what I'm made of!!
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ
I have been reading your blogs. You are an inspiration. I think no one can understand how terrifying it is to have Cancer until they experience it. I am still in a panic everytime I go in for a 3 month scan. I'm sorry your dad can't be here because I know that was a comfort. I am praying for you many nights. I know you can beat this. We will be at the benefit. Excited to meet everyone. (Jolene)
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry Dawn and I can relate to what your saying although I haven't been in your shoes. I read a book not long ago that touched me it's called 90 minutes in heaven...a story about a man who dies after a tragic accident and goes to heaven meanwhile his friends and family pray for God to bring him back so he does but not without years of pain and rehabilitation he went days weeks months without sleep from his pain...he asked God over and over again why did you send me back here I liked it in heaven I wanted to stay? He realized later he answered his freinds and families prayers...well many times down the road during his weaker moments he would go back to that question to God and would be put in a position where he realized his trials and story helped others cope with their pain later and helped those believe there is a heaven and God...but remember your allowed to have those low moments to feel bad and shut us out but also remember that your friends want to be there for you too so don't shut us out too long that takes away our happiness;) Hope your feeling a little better today sorry I took so long to reply I have been gone on vacation.xoxoxoxo Kim
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