Meltdown.....

For whatever reason today was a hard day.  Emotionally, today was overload.  You know what happens in a meltdown?  Yep......time to call Dad! LOL  My Dad for as long as I can remember, has ALWAYS had all the right stuff to say to me when I call him in tears.  Back in the day, that was the only time he'd hear from me, was when my world was falling apart around me.  That's why if too much time passes and I don't hear from my kids, I don't worry, they ALWAYS call when they are upset.  Well, today was one of those days for me.

As usual........Dad nipped it right in the bud.  He said, "Tut, you are so afraid of what you think you're turning into...." and that was all I had to hear.  He was right.  My fear is not of cancer of not beating this, my fear is what this is turning me into.  From where I sit, it's turning me into a snappy b-tch (and an ugly one at that!)....OK, maybe from Tim's perspective too. LOL  Seriously, I don't like what I see in the mirror and the feeling of being so short with people.  It scares me more than anything what is brewing deep inside. 

I understand that I have permission to get pissed off (but what's the point of that?) and I have permission to play the cancer card at anytime and say I'm just having a bad day..............but I miss ME.  I miss the way I used to look, and the abundance of joy that was inside of me the majority of the time.  What, did all that peel off with my skin in the shower too? 

Let's face it.  We ALL have a breaking point, I don't care how happy you are.  I'm not talking about having a bad day............this is a REAL feeling that is inside of me everyday..............waking up and not recognizing who's looking back at me...........and that disconnection has triggered a negative energy that I can feel everyday.  Call it cancer, or whatever you want.............it doesn't matter what we call it, it SUCKS! LOL

Dad's right though............I have to hang onto who I am.  Even if that means only by a thread every day.  I can't let THIS define me.  It has certainly detoured me which Dad explained is temporary.  He reminded me, I'm fighting for my life.  ALL this is temporary and the REAL me is and always will be inside of me.  Cancer can't change that, maybe for awhile, but not forever.

Everyone is being so understanding.........when in reality it's me that doens't understand.  It's me that does not have the patience for even one bad day.  I can't change this hand I've been dealt, but it will be me that decides how to play it out.  I can do this!  If I say that three times and click my heels I think I'll believe it!

It's so difficult to try and financially plan this out and then still have the energy and optimism to physically care for myself.  I guess at some point you just have to let go.  "this is me letting go" LOL

I love my parents.........they came to visit tonight............am sure they had too after that phone call in tears at lunch today.  I also got a pep talk from Barb in my office (thank you Barb for listening and caring so much).  Really, by the time I got home today I was a lot better.............I cling to those words "you're fighting for your life"..............sometimes I forget.  And for that FEAR.........False Expectations Appearing Real ~ Need to keep that in check from now on.  To beat cancer, you really have to kick fear's ass too. 

Help me laugh on this journey..............especially at myself.  It is the ONLY way I'm going to get thru each day.  I don't mean just on the inside.....I mean that out loud stuff I love so much!  It's impossible to feel bad when you are laughing so the more I laugh.......well, you get the picture.

Have I told you all we moved MY BIG FAT PURPLE BENEFIT to October 7th (Friday night at the Venue in Tacoma/Three Chicks Catering)?  I've got corks coming in and am making a wreath and a cork board to auction off..........it is really giving me something to look forward too!  Hope you are too!

Thank you so much for your patience with me during this difficult time.  If I snap at you, it's only because I love you.  (you do know we only hurt the people we love) LOL  I appreciate your permission to feel bad but mostly all the love you have for me and opening your heart and sharing who you are with me.  I am seeing the best of you and it's the most beautiful thing EVER!!!!!!

Let us all sleep peacefully tonight and have the blessing to wake up tomorrow and get to start over with a brand new day! (with no fear and less traffic!)
LIVE WITH PASSION
DJ