Dear God,

I've been thinking about you a lot today.  Why?  Probably because today is one of the harder days you've placed before me.  I've been pretty sick since Friday and just today got some new meds from the Dr. that will hopefully pave the way to a healthier throat/mouth so I can actually smile again.

I still can't tell you why I'm here today on this path.  However, I know you are making me stronger, even though if feels like you're trying to kill me.  My spirit is so crushed.  My inside smile is so buried within all this pain and agony that it gets harder and harder each day to find the strength to keep moving forward.  I know I know I know the light is shining at the end of this tunnel.  It's just from where I am today, the tunnel seems too long.

I am reminded of all that I have taken for granted for soooooooooo long.  #1 being my health.  This waking up to tears and constant watering of the eyes is like a cleansing of everything I used to take for granted.  Even typing on a keyboard now hurts my nail beds.  It's so many little things, too many to even list out.  However, I want everyone to know how lucky they are to have the gift of health, even if it's not perfect health.    Being able to wake up and smile every day, even if you don't want too, is a miracle!  Nobody should take that for granted, ever.

If I had 3 wishes, my first one would be good health for everyone.  I realize without it, your life is different.   I know there are people in the hospital going through chemo with much much worse than me, so I should feel blessed that I'm even able to get out bed and go to work each day.  I just miss me.  I miss the abundance of energy and happiness.  I just want the old me back.

My next wish is for your strength.  I need you now more than ever.  I thought when Mom died that would be the worse thing I would ever have to go through.  This is different though.  This wears on your soul and spirit.  It changes the dynamics of each day and how you see and breathe.  I  need your help to face each day with hope and not fear.  It seems with each chemo I get weaker and some new horrible side affect surfaces that is so dramatic.  I'm hoping the $130 worth of new medications will attack my mouth and throat and this is simply a minor detour and not part of my normal routine until Nov. 3rd (my last day of chemo) before surgery.

My 3rd wish is that this hardship will create a huge positive ripple on other's lives.  I can not go through this without some purpose.  Some higher purpose that I just know you must intend for me to complete.  There may not be an ending, but the journey and the story must inspire and motivate and help others.  This can't be just for me.  Please guide me along this path, and hold me when I can't hold myself. 

I'm grateful dear God for all the people you have wrapped around my life to take this journey with me.  For, as you know, I could not do this alone.  I'm so grateful to have my Dad and MamaLou so close.  We have spent a lifetime across the miles, and now our love and this journey brings us closer and they are my salvation. 

My friends are the most amazing people I've ever met.  However, I didn't need to get cancer to be reminded of that.  I have been very conscience of who I surround myself with.  I've always told my boys, careful who you spend the most time with, you become the seven people you hang around the most.  Well, I have more than a seven, but they are your gifts.  I love them with all my heart and will carry this journey for them, so they never have too.  Remember, that is our DEAL!!!!

I love you first and foremost and am just reaching out to you because I need you so much.  I feel broken and I don't like it.  When I get to that point of shutting people out so I can be alone, it's because I'm weak and I  need my time with you.  Please hold me tonight so that I feel rested and better for a new tomorrow.
Please help the medicines do their job so I can function and continue to be there for others in whatever capacity they may need me, even if just for a smile.

I know I have a long road and I'm not giving up.  I'm just at a speed bump and want to hold your hand tighter than usual.  I'm afraid I can't take as much as you think I can.  Why do you think I am this strong?  For crying out loud.........it's not that I don't trust you, I know you will not give me more than I can bear.........please give me strength now.

Today, Annie in my office brought me a beautiful cross that I just wanted to kiss the minute she handed it to me.  It's more like a charm to hang in my office but I wanted to put it around my neck it was so pretty and made me feel close to you.  There's even a little charm on it that says "HOPE"..... Of all the days for her to bring it to me, it fell on the day I have felt I needed you the most, as of yet.  Funny how you work in mysterious ways...............she was a messenger from you to me.  God I love you so much!

I have all the hope in the world..............but with the daily grind of symptoms and side affects, comes some fear and this is where I need you to keep me strong, OK?

So my top 3 prayer wishes,
#1 Good Health for everyone
#2 Your strength to get through this journey peacefully
#3 Positive ripple for others 

Through Jesus Christ, AMEN
LIVE WITH PASSION
DJ