Eating or Indulging?

OMG I can not believe how much I have already learned about diet and nutrition.  Since my whipple surgery just a year ago I have had to adjust my diet to 5 or 6 mini meals a day.  Seriously, if I eat more then one cup of food  I get terribly sick and end up throwing up.  Since this second tumor I am having a hard time even with those quantities.  Digesting anything is a major task for my body.  Needless to say I have a loss of appetite.
I am often shocked at the size of our meals!!!!!!  Geez everything is supersized.  When we eat out I get at least 3 to 4 meals out of my one single dinner.  It all makes sense now why most of us are over weight. LOL
I have a new mindset.  A new me!!  I now am eating to save my life.........eating for me is no longer an indulgence.  I can not afford that anymore.  I have been researching the natural foods that are the highest in antioxidants and those that have studies to support that they fight cancer.  I believe the chemo and radiation have jumpstarted me to a possible longer life but it is up to me to feed my body with exclusively healthy choices.
I do not want to overload you with data but do want to share what I learn in tidbits so hopefully you will remember them.
I have put together a list of the top 30 foods that are loaded with antioxidants and help reduce free radicals.  I also have researched the top supplements to fight cancer and then researched the top foods to find those supplements.  It is amazing how God has given us so much from the earth to keep us healthy.........yet we suck the nutrition of out of almost everything and then turn around and buy a pill to get the vitamin and minerals we need.  I am determined to take less pills!!
I hope you all know by now that the FDA suggested requirements do not mean shit.  That is simply the bare minimum you need for your body to survive.........you will find that to actually be healthy and fight off major diseases such as cancer you better take in a hell of a lot more than the bare minimum.  Some vitamins and minerals are dangerous in too high of levels so do your homework.
I have cancer....an inoperatable tumor wrapped around a main artery.  My diagnosis??  Death.  However, I want to prove that I can beat that redundant five year benchmark for pancreatic cancer.  I am over a year an a half so hope to squeeze a good quality three and half more years of LIVING.
So something I found interesting was selinium.  It came up as a supplement so I had it on my health store list of things to pick up until I read about brazil nuts.  I only need to eat two brazil nuts a day to get the dosage I need to reduce free radicals and kick this tumor's ass!!  I was thrilled that I did not need to take a pill..........just eat two nuts a day!!  I hope you will think about taking two a day with me.
Jump on this band wagaon with me and lets eat to save all our lives.  Throttle back on your portion sizes...eat more frequently...and choose to only put foods in your body that will fight off cancer.  Say Bye to velveeta and hello vida loca!!
Honestly I can not believe how easy this paradigm shift is....what are you willing to do to save your life??  Please do not wait until your body has a tumor or other disease.
I am looking forward to sharing my knowledge and even better my positive results.  I will understand if you can not buy into this just yet and need to see how I beat cancer thru diet...nutrition...and excercise.  Lots of good stuff ahead of us.
Transitioning from a processed junkie to 80 percent of my food intake being raw organic from the earth is a big deal!!  We all know how few fruit n veges I eat but I am drawn to them when I learn what they do......I mean really two nuts a day??  How easy is that?
Next stop...blueberries!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

Not all cancer is created equal

Is it just me or do you think it is alarmingly odd that something as common as cancer is not contageous?  Marinate on that thought for awhile and hopefully it will encourage you to think twice before putting something in your body...and be more aware of what you expose it too.  Seriously I am beginning to think there is more stuff out there that causes cancer than doesn't.  I am not saying we need to live in fear of cancer but we should be much more conscience of preventing it.
I had a very intersting meeting on Wednesday after radiation with Gina...my cancer advocate from the American Caner Society.  I made a confession to her out loud that I want to share with you.  I do not know if it is normal for most cancer patients to feel this way but sometimes I get jealous of other cancer survivors and even patients!!  For example...I met a much older gentleman downstairs in radiation that is on the Virginia Mason radiation/chemo combo from hell treatment. He shared his story and from diagnosis to whipple surgery was 2 weeks!!!  He was doing the combo pack as part of his after treatment and expected to do well from that point on.  I felt cheated that both my tumors have been attached to main arteries so not operable at diagnosis.  I am also jealous of breast cancer and all the money they raise and the awareness for early detection...not to mention everybody like boobies.  There is just nothing sexy about the pancreas.  In fact most people probably do not even know what it does.  I am on a mission to beat the shit out of this second tumor so I can be a voice for pancreatic cancer!!  Both my tumors were found in the month of May...I love May and cinco de mayo but wonder now is it going to be.."Here some chips n salsa and some cancer to go along with that".  I do not know if I am just in denial but there just has to be a bigger reason and picture for this double wammy with cancer and I think it is to be a voice for pancreatic cancer.
I joke around a lot about my tumor and refer to it as my roomate that I will be living with the rest of my life.  It was uninvited by me personally but for some reason my body just let her come on in and make herself at home. LOL. We need to name her...I prefer PJ but am open to suggestions.  Then peeps can just ask me how PJ is doing and I can respond accordingly.  She is a moody bitch I will tell you that right now!! Imagine if you had a tempermental uninvited guest move into your house!!
So on a more informative note...Dr. B is going to look into possibly increasing the radiation dosage daily in an effort to help make it more effective towards my goal.  However, he has to be careful not to put more toxins in my body than I can handle.  I have no idea how he figures all that out but will keep you posted as I learn more. 
Please continue to pray for my miracle........I need PJ to unwrap herself from my artery so Dr. B can go in and surgically remove her.  You are all angels to me holding my hand on this journey.
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

The straw that broke the camel's back

I am not really sure where to start.  Three weeks ago I started phase 2 an since day 1 my health has got progressively worse.  After two weeks I decided I needed to take a break.  Spending my 50th birthday over a toilet was a big hit for me.  I was so grateful that Tim organized a celebration dinner before treatment got started.  Even though the doctors told me this was going to be very difficult and that I was going to get very sick....I thought I would be different that I could mentally control the physical outcome.  You know that OH it won't happen to me feeling.  Sometimes my optimism is so far out of realty...but that's just how I roll.
After two weeks of being confined to the bed and bathroom I decided to take a week off to try and bounce back with enough strength to get me thru another 3 and half weeks of treatment.  Day after day was the same and I was not bouncing back.  Tanner's big graduation came and went and I was so deeply hurt that I could not be there.  I was so emotional and realized I am missing big LIFE things and that is not OK.
I worry about some of these chemo side affects being permanent....like the piercing jaw pain that I periodically get.  I am sick of being so sick and not haing a life worth living.  Who cares how long you live if that time is confined to a bathroom?  I had a eureka moment and knew the time has come for me to take charge of my body.  It is mine and the only body I will get.  I met with a different oncologist on Monday and he just helped me confirm my decision.....no more chemo or interferon.  I have decided to continue the radiation but want to look into more holistic measures to improve the quality of my life.  I have always lived in the moment for as far back as I can remember...but not for the moment.  I always have goals and dreams.
I want to break the five year survival benchmark but not at the price of my spirit.  I love life..my family and my friends and want to make as many memories and inspire as many people as possible.  I can not and will not do it from bed.  I want to concentrate on a healthy diet that includes juicing and get back in the gym after radiation therapy.  I probably can not walk ten minutes but I need to start somewhere and build my strength up so I can be well enough to travel this summer.
Nobody knows my expiration date...not even the doctors.  It might be six months or six years...........but I need to make the time healthy and happy.
I have lived such an extraordinary life and do not want to stop now just because I have cancer.  Cancer is a bully and I refuse to give in anymore than I already have.  I am in control and the one with the power.
If any of you know of any good cancer fighting books using nutrician and natural supplements...email them to me....this is my path now.
I love all of you for supporting my decision to cease treatment and just savor what time we can spend together.  You all make my world go round.....the love is so incredible...you just bless my life beyond measure.
I promise to share with you what I learn on this new path in hopes that it might help you prevent cancer in your body.
LIVE WITH PASSION
DJ

Looking back

Fighting cancer reminds me of treading water.  It gets exhausting and would certainly be easier to just let go and sink...but that would be the end...sure death.  I can not stress the importance of moving.  Like anything in life...if you stop doing and stop moving, you get complacent and stop making any type of progress.  These are hard times for all of us and no matter what obstacle you see in front of you...you can not let it stop you.  Oh it may slow you down but nothing can stop you unless you let it.  Do not place blame...that is just an excuse to stop moving.
My body aches......sometimes to the point of tears and with that comes doubt but that is the time to lean on the loved ones around you.  Nobody wants you to die or fail at anything.  So doesn't it makes sense that the people around you would help you?  I have learned that my suffering is not a burden on others..it is heartbreaking and they simply want to know how they can help ease my pain.  This is called love.
When I look back at my life which I do often I smile.  I have had sooo much laughter and joy it is astounding and that is how I want to be remembered. 
This phase 2 of treatment was confusing to me.  I was not sure of the purpose or what the best outcome is.  I was just not clear why we had a phase 2.  In other words I didn't know what the goal was.  Surgery.  That is the goal.  Get this tumor to shrink down and unwrap around my artery so Dr Rocha can go in and remove it.  I have been told this is a long shot........well I believe I can make this long shot!!  There is nothing average about me and I believe I have to do this to have the quality of life I want.  I am asking for your prayers........we did it before so we can do it again!!  But I can not do it without you.
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

Happy Thanksgiving

I am blessed beyond measure!  The friends and even strangers that have come to help me during this hard fight is just astonishing.  I pray for the day I am healthy enough and financially able to give back ten fold all that has beeb blessed upon me.  I have learned so much from your generosity.  Thank you!!  I truly hope you and your families are enjoying a healthy and blessed holiday.
Well Monday was the start of my phase 2 of treatment.  Jackie has been so kind to allocate the next 5 or so Mondays to driving me and spending 8 hours at the hospital.  I thought the day went pretty good until things took a turn on the drive home.  I started to get the chills and a horrible splitting headache......then had to run thru the door once we hit the driveway to go throw up which continued every couple hours well into Tuesday morning.  They pump you up with so many fluids so you have to pee every couple hours anyway so sleeping is not an option.  They gave me 3 ltrs of fluids....cisplatin...and an interferon shot before radiation.  The interferon shot is every Mon Wed and Fri.  It gives you all the flu like symptoms.  I actually thought it would be a couple weeks before I felt any side affects........Dr. B told me to lower my expectations and warned me it is going to get worse.  He also explained since I am so high energy this will be harder for me thanit is for others.  That made sense to me.
The radiation part is easy.......just have to lay in the exact same position each day and the process takes under 15 mins.  With my frozen shoulder it is hard for me to raise my arms to hold onto the handle bars but I am trying to excercise it numerous times a day as not to create a problem for radiology.  When I say you have to be in same position each day...I mean EXACT same position.  They even rubberband your feet together so you can not move.  I will get a picture of this and post it.
I honestly can not imagine being so sick for the next 6 weeks...it overwhelmes me.  I am staying focused on today and doing what I need to do to make today a success............this is really one day at a time.
Thank you Angela and Shelley for being my Tuesday girls..Sandy for Wednesdays...Jesica for Thursdays and GG and Terri for fridays.  I have my pink bucket to commute with in case I get sick. LOL
I am certainly not feeling my best...already tired of carrying the chemo pack around 24_7 but am grateful to have this day off from treatment.  Tim is amazing and helping me eat a little and drink so I do not get dehydrated.  I have a rough road but still soooo much to be grateful for.
Much love and God Bless you and your families!!
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

To everyone with cancer

Although we may have never met I consider you my brother or sister.  We belong to the same family....a family tied together by cancer not blood.  The first thing I want you to know is I am praying for you...praying for a day when cancer will no longer touch our lives. 
I hope you know you did not do anything to deserve this path that you are on.  God did not give you cancer either.  However God will help you win the battle!
We are so blessed to have family and friends wrapped around us to give us strength especially when will feel cancer is beating us.  Cancer may take everything from you physically but it cannot take your spirit!  It also cannot take all the love wrapped around you.
We see the world differently.  I think we should help all those around us see what we see and feel what we feel.  I know it is such a cliche to say live like you are dying and we can do that..........but others may need our help.
Cancer has helped me become the person I have always wanted to be.  I don't sweat the small stuff anymore and my appreciation for everything...even the tiny things has become unmeasureable.  I wish there was a class in school that simply taught an attitude with gratitude. 
I remember when my Mom got cancer...she would email me everyday up until I stayed with her the last 2 weeks of her life.  She would write about all the beautiful things she was so grateful for.  She was trying to get me to see the world thru her eyes.  I did not understand it at the time but I do now.  My mother was the most thoughtful loving woman I have ever known and she credits that to her mother and my Dad's mother. How lucky am I to have such amazing women in my life.
It does not matter how much time we have left.  What matters is what we do with that time.  So LIVE and SHARE as much as you can and more importantly let go of any pain and love unconditionly.  It will set you free!!
I am not looking forward to my next phase of treatment but I know people have survived it before me so to all of those survivors I say thank you for giving me HOPE.
Stay strong!!  You can do this and you are never alone.
God Bless You!!
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

Fall Back

Wow, here it is November already!!  I am just LOVING the season change.  The beautiful leaves falling and all the harvest colors.  November is my favorite month, I know I know.........I have a birthday coming up but it's not about that, it's about Thanksgiving (my favorite holiday) and having a holiday that is all about counting your blessings and being grateful for all you have, no matter how little you may think you have...........trust me, you have a lot more to be grateful for than you think.

I had a good visit to the hospital last week and got to meet my new Dr. (oncology radiologist).......OK, I need a drum roll please, Dr. Badiozamani!!!!  He and his team left me with a great first impression so I feel confident I am in good hands.  I will refer to him as Dr. B from this point forward.  You can check him out at https://www.virginiamason.org/body.cfm?xyzpdqabc=0&id=1175&action=detail&ref=22

Of course I am not excited to start phase 2 of my treatment, but I know it's the ONLY way to move forward and get this cancer behind me once and for all.  I officially start what they refer to as the Virginia Mason Protocol on Nov. 17th.  Basically, it is five and half weeks of treatment (38 days) but it takes most people longer to complete because they get sick, blood and platelet levels drop, etc.  I anticipate the holidays may not be jolly for me, but at the same time I am so grateful to still be alive.

Sometimes when I am alone I cry.........I cry allot.  Not because I am sad, but because I am so grateful for the absolutely amazing friends I have in my life who are so generous with me.  I am just so blessed beyond measure, plus I have two great sons and a fiancee that loves me and cares for me so much. 

My sons were visiting me this weekend and we all had a nice family dinner with their girlfriends and it truly was a blissful moment for me.  It's rare to have the two boys home at the same time so I savor it.

As for my health, this is hard.  I tire very easily and have more issues with my stomach that I can even count.  I guess it is just part of my new normal since the Whipple surgery.  Although my tumor is attached to a main artery making it inoperable at this time, it is possible it will shrink enough during radiation/chemo allowing Dr. Rocha to go back in and remove what is left...........the thought of surgery again scares me as the first one almost killed me.  However, Dr P. has assured me the surgery is different, would not be another Whipple.  I just decided I can not worry about it at this time and just need focus on getting as healthy as I can in preparation for phase 2 of treatment.  I have all the X;s on my stomach to begin radiation.  They will finalize things on the 12th and tattoo the marks on me so I will always have them.  Guess you can think of it as me getting freckles tattooed on my tummy. LOL  I think I would like to get a tattoo, but I was thinking more along the lines of a purple ribbon "CancerDiva" on the inside of my wrist.

This week my goal is to get Tanner's WSU graduation announcements in the mail and jump back into my book chapter 6.  One of my dear friends has offered me up a program that not is a spell check but it rakes your writing and makes suggestions to make it more precise and to the point so I want to put that to a test run on what I have written already.  I just want to be careful so I don't lose my writing voice along the way.

I again want to thank you for your prayers, and all the amazing support you have given.  This has already been a long journey and is just going to get longer and harder.  I can do this, if not for me, for my sons, Tim and all of you.

Please remember to vote this week!!!!
LIVE WITH PASSION
DJ

To my friends

I am not sure where to start with this message but something inside of me for my friends has to get out.
It was the end of 1996 and I was going thru a divorce...closing a 15 year chapter of my life.  It was hard but even harder for my sons but we got thru it.  It was during that time that I made a very clear choice to do some house cleaning and eliminate all the negative energy in my life.  Moving forward I decided to only surround myself with positive energy and people that bring out the best in me...not the worse.
I am so grateful for making that decision because it has led me to this very moment.  I am at the worse point in my life right now......nothing I have had to go thru has been as huge as fighting for my life. Nothing is this scary because failure means death.  That does not leave me with alot of choices.  You all see so much strength in me and the faith you have has made me realize I am you.  Whether you remember me from 3rd grade or from recent years...you have touched me and a part of you is in me.  It is all you that make me............me.  I need to thank you for giving me the best of you. 
I made the right choice back in 96 and am so blessed to have had soooo much love in my life.  I just can not thank you enough for being my friend.  I do not know how to say goodbye and although I am always trying to learn and grow but saying goodbye to you is not something I want to have to learn.  Seeing myself thru your eyes keeps me going day after day.
Oh I know I have lived a dramatic life but you have loved the drama queen and my journeys.  One thing is for sure you can never say I was boring LOL. You have not once laughed at me but always laughed with me.  You never put me down and always lifted me up. 
I am certain I have the best friends on earth.  I hope you know the difference you have made in my life.  I can't imagine my life without you in it.  Cancer has made me very aware of who my friends are and just how terrific you are.
I love you!!
Always your friend
DJ

Invisible Stress

While I think I have accepted the cards I have been handed I am quite sure my body has not.  Having cancer is a weight bigger than anything you can imagine.  Even though I try and keep my mind entertained by watching movies....solving murders with all the criminal tv shows or working on my book and real estate business I find my body is still stressing.
I have noticed my mouth will not relax............so even when I am sleeping I am sucking in pressure so much that my teeth are shifting.  We all know how much of a teeth person I am so this really is NOT OK.  For every new side affect from chemo or surgery comes a new medication but I am guessing there is no magic pill to vanish the stress.
Cancer patients take an unbelievable amount of drugs to simply try and maintain some sense of normal.  I have 8 perscription drugs and 2 over the counter.  I have become the person I never wanted to date.  You know that guy with a medicine cabinet overflowing with perscription drugs that you sneek a peek of the first time you go to his place.  LOL
Sometimes I think we may think we are handling the stress in our life well but our body tells another story.  Listen to it.
I felt such a sweet victory after my surgery last December that gave me a sense of being invinceable.  I was beyond cloud 9 and beyond grateful for a 2nd chance at life.  That high was so short lived when just a few months later a 2nd tumor revealed itself.  Scary to think that just because they can not see or find cancer does not mean you do not have cancer.........cancer can hide from tests and surgery.  I am in survival mode and so anxious to get back to living mode.  So much of my time is spent physically battling this evil beast inside of me that it is hard to do so many of the things I love.  My body is so tired but my mind is still going 100 mph. LOL
Cancer will physically, emotionally and financially destroy you but you and only you control your mind.........it will try and mess with you mentally but with some will power you decide your mental health.  My best advice is do not spend any time thinking negative thoughts...........just believe and stay positive every waking second.  When you start to think negative...and you will......reach out to those that love you and believe in you.  They will keep you on track.
Life is shorter than you think.
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

OOOOPS! There went my rug

Wow yesterday was an eye opening day. Oh, chemo went fine for the most part.  Some of my blood levels have dropped again, platelets and white blood count so Dr. P reduced my dosage but I did get a little something something from all three cocktails

Jumping ahead of myself and assuming this was my last full day of chemotherapy I wanted the juicy details of exactly how this next phase of treatmemt was going to play out with radiation.  I have never had radiation but have heard many stories of how quick and easy it is and side effects from minor burns to extreme fatigue.  Here's what I learned and you may want to be sitting down for this because it ain't pretty!

Pancreatic Virginia Mason Protocol goes a little something like this!
5-1/2 weeks of daily treatment (excluding weekends) but including holidays.  So basically a Monday thru Friday commitment:
DAY 1: Cisplatin, 3 liters of IVF (fluids to prevent dehydration), Interferon shot, radiation and a new pump filled with FU5 chemotherapy. 
DAY 2: Radiation
DAY 3:  Radiation, Interferon shot, and beginning week 3 2 liters of IVF
DAY 4:  Radiation
DAY 5:  Radiation, Interferon shot, and beginning week 3 2 liters of IVF
*Every Monday I will get a fresh FU5 chemo pump so basically I will be on chemotherapy 24/7

* Been told I will get very sick, throwing up, diarrhea and extreme fatigue and their primary concern is to keep me hydrated so every visit I have to pee 500ML into a bowl and if I can't they will hook me up to IV for fluids.
* This treatment is so aggressive most patients don't make the 5-1/2 weeks without a break in there to re coop.  So I think it more realist to plan on this taking 6-1/2 weeks.  Any time skipped for any reason will just be added on at the end.  So one way or another they are dosing you for 5-1./2 weeks, no negotiating.

It sound as though the soonest I can start is mid-November.  So I am going to start looking for friends that might be able to commit one day a week to driving me to and from Virgina Mason downtown (I live in Maple Valley) so it's easily and hour drive both ways.  And as you can see I need some flexibility of someone that can stay longer with me if I have to have additional IV fluids...they always take a couple hours.  I already have Mondays covered (thank you JR)!!!  Mondays are the long 8 hour days so that's good to have that one covered.  I am also reaching out to the American Society for volunteer drivers.  Once I have my schedule firm, I will post on here.

In the meantime, I am on my chemo pack get to go in tomorrow afternoon and get it off.  Then I have my full check up with xray, ct scan, blood work on Oct. 31st.  PLUS get to meet with my surgeon again and of course Dr. P to finalize the start date for phase 2.

For some reason I thought radiation was going to be the easy phase of this journey when in fact, it will be the most challenging so yesterday I just felt like that rug got pulled out from beneath me...........but like I told the Dr.  I'm in it to win it so let's get this party started so I can move on with my big fat amazing life!!!!!!!

Love you all so much and can not thank you enough for your prayers.
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

Sound of the Rain

We have been so furtunate all summer and even into fall however we had a good rain today.  I woke up sick so knew today was not going to be one of my better days.  As much as I do not like the gloomy day and pouring rain I was trying to get my zen on so I could overcome my stomach discomfort when I just quietly listened to the rain.  It is so beautiful and peacefull.  Just a reminder no matter what you can find something to love in anything......regardless of how negative it may seem on the surface.
The flowers are being nourished and fall is beautiful.
Hoping to have my last chemo tomorrow although will not know for sure until all my tests on the 30th.  I am so ready for this journey to be over to anxious to move on to my next phase of treatment.
We are approaching that time of year to be grateful........I say there is no time like the present.  We have soooooo much to be grateful for and you will be happier focusing your thoughts on what you have instead of what you do not have.
If you have a partner you love remember to choose your battles with them carefully......it truly is better to be happy than right!
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

Mind over body

Yesterday was really and weird chemo day.........blood pressure was pretty high and I think it was because I did not feel well and had quite a bit of anxiety leading up to this treatment since I had such a horrific treatment last time.  My labwork came back indicating low white blood count and low patelets....a drop from my low levels last time.  Chemo is certainly taking its toll on my body.
So I did not get to see Dr P yesterday had a fill in Dr so really no opportunity to play questions and answers.  Although he did let me choose to have chemo and elinate the 2nd cocktail or postpone the full meal deal to next week due to the low levels in my bloodwork.  Of course I chose to saddle up and do the partial treatment.  I believe the sooner I get all my treatments done the sooner I can get my life back.
I am so grateful for my girlfriend Jackie who has committed to taking me to all my chemos since my parents went back to Alabama.  Since we didnt have to do that 2nd cocktail the day was 2 hours shorter than usual...yippie!!
Troble set in though when I got home.  Tim had brought me dinner....clam chowder.  With my hyper sensitivty to cold warm soups feel good to eat.  However I had horrible pain after that which lasted all night.  I hate to take my pain killers because they make me so sick...its like trading pain for vomitting.  I layed in bed in the fetal position and asked Tim to sit with me to help me control my breathing and stay calm.  Mentally I had to talk myself into feeling good.  I was scared as I did not expect this to happen....typically it is that 2nd cocktail that makes me sick so I was really caught off guard with the pain.
I do not know what are chemo side effects and what are Whipple surgery side effects.  A good question for my surgeon at the end of this month.
All I know is sometimes no matter how bad the obstacle is in front of you..you do have the mental power to get right thru it.  I know its hard..especially when you have physical obstacles but just think yourself to how you want to feel as though you already do.
My bad days might be getting more frequent and getting worse but my good days are getting better.  I am trying to live the good days as though I am not sick at all.....you know the old saying fake it till you make it.....its true!!
Back to hospital tomorrow to get my chemo pack off...YEA!
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

Humility

Although my entire journey with cancer has been very humbling yesterday at chemo took it to a new level.  Humility.
I didnt feel real good going into chemo to start with but expected a smooth and uneventful treatment.
The part I hate the most is popping six pills before they hook me up as I take five pills before I even leave the house in the morning.  I do not like taking any kind of pills.....never have.
Well chemo seem to be going fine until about half way through the process I stood up to go to the bathroom when I lost complete control of my bowels........the gas just fourced dierhea right out of me.......yes I shit my pants right there in front of my best friend.  I got to the bathroom and continued with diarhea and then when it stopped I stripped from the waste down and wash myself and pants in the sink.  I walked out half naked and so embarrased.  I ask the nurse for some hospital jamies and she brought me a pair of scrubs so at least I could finish my treatment with some dignity.  Chemo definately beat me yesterday but the good news is I am beating cancer!  My marker is down to 44.  I still have all October with chemo with plans to spend November in daily radiation with FU5 chemo pushes. 
I am anxious to get all this behind me once again so I can live a beautiful life and start knocking out those things on my bucket list!!
Remember humility is just a reminder to be humble. 
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

Living on the edge

WOW..it has been a rough week.  I have been so tired and had more stomach discomfort than I could possibly put into words.  Dr P said one of his patients described after whipple surgery there is a new normal........it was at that moment I realized I will probably never feel normal again...........now I have to get aclimated to a new normal.
There are days where I feel on the edge.......by that I mean cancer can push me over or even chemo.  I can FEEL the edge within me.  As long as I look at the solid ground to stand on which for me is my family and the most amazing friends you could ever meet I know I wont fall off the edge.  Its a different life when you are made so aware of your expiration date.
I know that even if I live to be a hundred it wont be long enough to help and inspire the number of people I want to.  I am half way thru my book which I pray will help millions........I dont ask for much do I? Lol
I am here to tell you your life is short........there will never be a good time to die but every day you have a chance to live a great life and do great things so DO IT. 
Ruth yes you can share and use any part of my blog........it is here for everyone to share.  I hope your husband is on his way to a speedy recovery!!!  And thank you for your love and support.
I hope none of you grow as tired as I am on this journey.....it was hard enough the first time but this second time is on another magnitude.  I know in my heart God has put me on this path to help others.  Although God did not give me cancer I know he knows Im tough enough to do this twice or I would not be here right now.
My parents had to go back to Alabama so we now have the burden of scheduling...........getting someone to get me to and from chemo..............and yet to come daily radiation.  This is hard and I do wonder how other patients do it.  I of course hope I can drive myself but getting a daily push of chemo may not give me that option..........I am really learning so many ways I can help other patients once I am in remission.  This is a crazy cancer life I am living.
Much love to all of you..............YOU keep me going as I dont want to let any of you down.  You have so much faith in me and it gives me strength.
LIVE WITH PASSION!

A chemo day in the life of a diva

I have had several people ask me what chemo is like.  I am sure its a bit different for each patient but wanted to share with you exactly what it is like for me.
It always starts the night before.  I have to pack as though I am going on a day trip.........food, beverages, pillow, blanket and things to do to keep me busy.  I also pick out a cute outfitas I mentally like to tell myself I am going on a date so I like to look nice.  I just feel better when I look my best.  I am only allowed one person in the room with me at a time and it is usually my Dad.  Its a long day for both of us but we make the best of it.
The morning of chemo starts early.  I like to take a long hot shower since I know I want be able to shower for a couple days due to the chemo pack that comes home with me for 46 hours.  Then of course breakfast.........hair and make up LOL
Dad drops me off at the front door at Virginia Mason downtown by 8 or 9am depending on our appointment time.  Then he goes to park while I stand in line to check in downstairs.  We meet at the cancer institute which is on the 2nd floor.  It always has a bad odor to me when the elevators open up.  We are not allowed to wear perfumes or have any strong smelling foods since chemo patients easily get sick from odors.
I check in at the desk happy go lucky like I am checking in for a manicure or hair style. LOL. The gals always know me by name and are happy to see me.  I then sit in the waiting room and am usually sadden by the number of people that are sick and fighting for their life.  Its just not a happy place but the staff makes it pleasant.  They are angels in the building or thats how I see them anyway.
Before anything can happen they have to put me in a short stay room to access and flush my port in addition to pull all the blood they need.  The results from the lab determine whether I am healthy enough to even proceed with chemo treatment.  It usually takes at least an hour to get the lab results so its mostly a waiting game.  Really no sense in seeing Dr until he has results from which he can order the chemo.  Thats right no chemo is ordered until labwork is in.
They have dozens of little rooms set up for chemo which is where we spend the entire day.  There is a tv and wifi plus a little fridge and one recliner which I snuggle into and one chair for my Dad.  I always want to decorate and paint the rooms to be more homey but that doesnt happen.  There are what they are and its sad there is so many.  Always a reminder to me that too many people have cancer.
Im lucky the staff is so amazing.  Even the nurses that are not assigned to me that day pop in to visit me.  They always make me feel so special.  Its all these distractions that help the time pass.
For me every 10 weeks is a big check up so on those days I get a chest xray and a ct scan prior to getting into my room for the day.  I am always anxious to get my cancer marker number which is just a little piece of the puzzle indicating any progress or lack there of.  I am always thrilled to hear when the number is down but this go around sometimes the number is higher than previously so I just have to be strong and shake it off.
When Dr P comes in it is usually a very short visit unless I am not doing well.  He always takes time to be attentive to my needs and questions.  I am sure he does not like to get too close to his patients since most dont survive but I know over the past year there is a special spot in his heart for me.  This has made it easier for me to trust him that no matter what we will figure out a way to get this cancer in remission and buy me some time.........quality time.  He sees the world thru rose colored glasses just like me so our optimisim bonds us.  It is my goal with his help to be a voice and make a ripple with the pancreatic cancer organization.  I want to help others and provide hope and help with awareness.
OK back to the chemo room..........by now we have been there several hours and anxious to get started.  We know the sooner that first cocktail gets hooked up the sooner we can go home.  Once Dr P has ordered the cocktails the nurse tgives me about 7 pills that somehow play a role in me getting treatment.
The first cocktail arrives and it is verified every which way but loose.  They leave no margin for error.  Once hooked up it takes 2 hours to drip.  I dont feel anything it is just ans IV that is hooked up to the port in my chest.  I learned the hard way last year not to do chemo thru a vein in your arm.  My nurse checks on me frequently and is always just a beep away.  I have a panic button to hit if I have any problems.
By the time my first cocktail is getting low the 2nd one arrives.  This is the cocktail that has caused me so much havoc so there is some anxiety that preludes it getting hooked up.  However Dr P has lowered my dosage and I did OK last time.  This cocktail once hooked up drips for an hour an a half.  By this time I am hungry and have broken into my snacks or at least lunch.  I have to eat something every 2 hours to keep my tummy running smoothly.
Sometimes I have my laptop with me and will kill some time there and sometimes I sleep.  Chemo affects me differently everytime.  Its never the same journey twice.
I always have a visit from Dr Meghan.........I think of her as my pain and symptom management coach.  She is an absolutely amazing listener.  She gets inside my head and is able to coach me thru the mental part of this journey which honestly is a bigger battle than the physical.  If your head is not in the right place there is no way to beat cancer physically.......just no way.  I feel like she understands me and more importantly she expects me to stay true to myself which means remaining positive.  However she understands and shows compassion when I lose my way.........she is like a flashlight and shows me the way to win.  I will never be able to thank her and Dr P enough for all they have done to save or prolong my life.
Sooooo back to chemo.......they even have staff or volunteers stop by with activity cart wiith candy ice cream movies cards magazines to help fill my time there.  It is really nice.  By the time my 2nd cocktail is done I am really ready to go home..........it is late in the day by now and fortunately the 3rd cocktail comes home with me in a fannypack.  It goes everywhere I go for 46 hours.  I generally dont like to go out in public as fanny packs went out in the 90s LOL and I dont like to attrack that kind of attention.  Funny I am quick to share my story with anyone but dont want everyone knowing I am sick.  I like to pretend I am healthy.......its part of faking it until you make it attitude.
As I mentioned I can not get my port wet so no shower while I am on that 3rd cocktail.  We drive to the hospital late on the 2nd day following chemo to get disconnected.  It only takes minutes to disconnect and flush my port so no appointment needed.  I just pop inand out quickly and usually run to take. A shower when I get home.  I am tired more than usual when on the chemo pack.
Side affects to these cocktails are all over the board. I never know from moment to moment how I will feel so its hard to plan anything concrete.  I am simply living in the moment as best I can..........any time I have I know is borrowed time so I am just savoring the people and moments in my life!!
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

The perfect day

Have you ever woke up to start your day and expected it to be perfect?  Of course not..........we might expect to have a great day because of a vacation or time out from the realities of life but its crazy to imagine the perfect day all the way down to the tiniest detail.  But a perfect day can happen whether you believe it or not.
I woke up sunday expecting to spend a great day with the man I love but it was unusual to wake up and not be sick.  I took full advantage of the beautiful morning and jumped in the hot tub with Tim.  It was my first time in a tub since getting my dr. Permission over a month ago.  Although I am not allowed in a public tub I had the greenlight to sit in a well cared for private tub.  Tim sits in it almost daily.  I savored the jets beating into my frozen shoulder and words can not describe how therapuetic it was.  It was the perfect morning.  Tim sipping his coffee and us enjoying much needed quality time together.
The day was hot and sunny yet enough breeze to keep me cooled down.  We drove to seattle waterfront and headed to fulfill one of my bucket list items and ride the great wheel of seattle...........just as we got in front of the wheel a gal pulled out and we slid the truck right in.  It was better than handicapped parking I just was in ahhhhhhh.
We got in line and I just enjoyed the ability to stand in line and exchange chats with the couple in front of us.  I was so proud to stand about 30 min or more and get to the front of the line.  Trust me you cannot appreciate standing in line until you are confined to a bed and toilet.  I was joyed beyond measure.
Then they opened up bubble #13 my lucky number and in we jumped with the nice couple ahead of us.  As we enjoyed the ride we learned they were celebrating her bday which was the following day.  I insisted on taking a lot of pictures of them so they would remember the special occassion.
Tim gets his daughter on the phone so she can enjoy the ride with us.  The view was priceless and I was just in heavon savoring not feeling sick.  At the top of the wheel Tim askes me if I am going to beat this cancer and I replied with enthusiasm of course I am and he pulls out a ring and says because I want to be with you a very very long time.  With tears of joy I put the ring on and felt like the luckiest girl in the world with a million reasons to live sitting right next to me.  It was a great day on the great wheel.
We proceeded to west seattle for dinner on the water and I am on such a cloud I can barely speak.........just such a beautiful day.  We headed into the restauruant to be surprised with my best friends who were very instrumental in making this engagement a dream come true.  Champagne which I was not drinking was flowing and we all shared a toast to this crazy little thing called love.
To be surrounded by so much love on such a perfect day down to the tiniest detail was just incredible........made me realize how much of the tiny detials we do take for granted in a day.  Sometimes its those little things that add up at the end of the day that make it perfect.  Why we spend so much thought into what went wrong in a day is so senseless.
I am on this journey for a reason.  A reason bigger than you and me but meant just as much for you as it is me.  I am sharing as much as I can all the good the bad and the ugly as I can so you can learn with me.
So stop and think about what is perfect about your day and it will astound you what you learn.
I am the luckiest girl you know despite cancer........remember that be happy!
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

Back to the grind

Well after 3 weeks off chemo due to blood issues it was back in the saddle on tuesday.  I don't think it went so well.  My body is rejecting the 2nd cocktail for some reason.......they tried twice but both time my stomach went into an anxiety attack so I only ended up with just under one third of the dosage.  I do think that is the cocktail that causes all the diarhea ans nausea though since I have not had any of those problems since treatment on tuesday.  Dr P says next time he will reduce the dosage and see if I do better.
You see sometimes no matter how good your plan is you have to recognize an obstacle that is in the way of your goal and go around it.  Any plan needs to remain flexible which means you have to be flexible too.  Keep your eye on the ball and admit and make a change if something is not working you toward your goal.
I can see so much clearly now that I have a plan.........it is sometimes hard to accept my best outcome is remission and not a cure but I will be so grateful and do so much with the remission time it will even amaze me!
I want to finish my book by the end of the year I am almost half way done but have to go back and revise now that I am on this journey again..........I have learned even more and have a better grip on how I can share this knowledge to help you in your life.
We all have battles in our lives and they can be won you just need the passion and spunk to take them on no matter how big or small.
I am excited about the future and you hould be too!
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

SURPRISE!!!!!!

Although I am back to chemo today after  4 weeks off due to blood issues and concerns it feesl good to be getting  back to the grind.  Taking too much time off defeats our mission and allows the tumor to ernergize itself and start to grow again.  My cancer marker is down to 342, up a bit from last week but given I have not had treatment in four weeks, its to be expected.

My mission and Dr. P's is to have this tumor all taken care of so I can get my life back by the end of the year and be the first two imer face of home or come back player of the yeaar for the big gala fundraiser for pancreatic cancer in June of next year.

Thank you to my internet donar I know it will make my life easider when at home being able to communicate from my pc rather than my tiny phone................you have made a big difference and I wish you all the wonderful karma (the good kind)that you can handle.

Is it possible for you to even imagine what it feels like to be in my shoes and know this level and depth of gratitude?  My cancer has  brought out the best in all of you and you never cease to amaze me with your generosity,,,,,,,,,Ilook forward to  returning all that kindess to you when my health is back.

I am back on the chemo track andfeeling the love!!!!!!!!! xoxoxoxox
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

Through thick and thin

Friends........every one of you reading this is going through some type of battle.  Now you may not think it is as big as my battle with cancer but it probably feels just as big........I know its a distraction and stresser in your life.  I hope you all know that no matter what I am going through I am still your friend and want to be your friend which means being there for you just as much as you are here for me.  Please don't deprive me of the joy of being your friend.......no matter how sick I am I still love you and want to be here for you no matter what.............through thick and thin.
I recently shared a funny story with my office about living IN the moment as best you can.  My amazing parents are up here from Alabama temporarily to take care of me again with this round 2 of cancer.  They found a cute little studio condo to rent that is not far from where we live.  Sooooo 73 year young Dad is driving my car.....a red convertible.  I asked him one day why he doesn't put the top down and he responded "It would mess up my hair" LOL. We laughed together but I realized at that moment that the metaphor was important enough to share........Life is too short to NOT drive topless!  We really have to rewire ourselves to truly LIVE in the moment and not take for granted that tomorrow will just automatically come.  Why put off till tomorrow what you can enjoy and say to make someones day today?
I also need to reach out and say a ginormous thank you to Chris and Cheryl for my special ring............I think I will call it my journey ring.  I was in tears at the jewelers when he told me of your intervention.  Your generosity never ceases to amaze me and I can not thank you enough for being my family.  Love you more than words can express and will remember that moment you gave me forever........can not wait to show you the ring when it gets here!!! 
Focusing on all the joy you all bring to my life not only makes me cry but inspires me to fight even harder so I can enjoy more memories with you.........Do you think if I write the Ellen show I could convince her to send us all on a celebration cruise to celebrate OUR victory in Novemer or December.  I just need to win the lottery..............wouldn't it be fun to all be on a cruise together?
I know my priorities are different than yours with death knocking on my door.........but I really believe yours should be the same......think about it!! For example what would you do differently if I told you that you would not be here a year from now........or even a month???
I don't think its life I am so inlove with.........its you!  I am so grateful to Val for coming up with Saturdays with Dawn where friends come over from 11am to 1pm and we visit and its just a priceless time together plus it gives me something to look forward to every week.......during chemo the quality of my life is well honestly not too good but friends make the world go round!!!!
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

The test of a lifetime

I am not even sure where to start since I have learned so much since my last blog.  I was suppose to have my 3rd chemo last monday however I barely made it to the hospital which is now an hour away.  In fact I had to jump out of the car a block away and run to get to the restroom.  It was not one of my better moments.  However the 11 hour day at the hospital unraveled slower than as if time stood still.  I was sick both physically and emotionally so when the Dr offered to give me the week off I jumped at the opportunity and took a blood transfusion instead.  Unfortunately there was a rush at the blood bank so my two pints took 6 hours to arrive at the hospital..........another 4 to transfuse. I can not even put into words the level of gratitude I felt towards the donors.  PLEASE donate blood every 56 days if you are able.  The number of lives you save is important and the feeling you have after you donate is just as powerful as the feeling you have should you ever need a transfusion.  Its just the right thing to do and it costs you nothing but time.  I am sure I will need more transfusions so if it makes you feel better you can donate it and have it credited to my name.
My true test came yesterday when depression was triggered from a disagreement from a friend.  I have a whole new understanding now for people who suffer from depression on a regular basis.  It is horrible and feels as though your life is falling into a tailspin that can not be stopped.  I honestly just wanted to take my bottle of sleeping pills and end the horror.  You see when death is knocking on your door and you are forced to get all your affairs in order your emotions are magnified............all of them. I have never felt the horror of depression in all my life.........not even when my mom died.  Oh I was sad but not depressed. Its a fine line but one I clearly saw yesterday.
Over the years I have learned that friendships sometimes come with conditions............conditions that you only learn the hard way by losing the friendship.  I thought I was losing one of my best friends yesterday and it was unbareable.  I can not imagine my life without this person and that fear sent me over the edge.  I later realized the friendship was never even threatened its just I see the world so differently now that I have cancer with an unoperable tumor.  I can not expect my friends to see it the way I do.  But I know now more than ever that I need to blog more so at least you can learn some things that I am learning.  Maybe I am on this journey more for you than me.  Its not all about me............this is your journey too if you choose to take it with me.
If you ever are having a bad day call me and I will tell you what a bad day really is.  God has given as so much and we just need to be more grateful.........on a daily basis not just on Sunday.  Oh so maybe you dont believe in God??? You still need to live a life of gratitude to really be LIVING with any kind of purpose.
Never ever underestimate the power of your friendships.  Try to imagine your life without all that love wrapped around you..................now go tell them thank you and please dont take them for granted.  Some friendships are unconditional and yesterday proved that to me.  I am blessed beyond measure and am sure you are too.
Know matter what battle you are facing today and no matter how horrible it may be tearing you down you do have the strength really deep within you to accept the battle as a lesson...........a lesson you can share with others.  Dont be afriad to call your friends and ask for help they will jump at the opportunity to hold your hand and make the fall with you just to insure you get right back up again.
Love can not be measured nor can your friendships. Respect your differences and love unconditionally and it will empower you to be the best you that you can be.  Your friendships are not as fragile as you think they might be however the feelings of your friends might be because of where they are in life and what they are dealing with.
I am constantly astounded at the power of love aren't you?
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

No more internet

Sorry for the silence.  We have moved and no longer have internet so I am limited to communicating exclusively thru my phone.  Its called budgeting lol
I have made it thru two chemo sessiosn.  First one landed me in hospital for 5 days but second one went better.  I however started having panic attacks but they have subsided now that I am off the pump.  I get 3 cocktails two take a couple hours each and the 3rd runs for 46 hours........it is horrible.
I am weak and feel very fragile..........in other words I feel the opposite of who I am and who I want to be.  This time is so much harder than before.  I know it should be easier but it simply is not no matter how I slice and dice it.
I feel death closer than ever before for many reasons........one I am no longer a surgical candidate.  Remission is my best hope.  I am though so happy with the person I have become.  I have become the people I hang around the most.  My friends are the best people on earth.  They love and give so graciously and generously.  No wonder my friends become friends with each other.  I am so lucky to have so much love wrapped around me.  I could not get thru my days without all the support I get sprinkled in my days.
My dad has been here for sometime helping take care of me.......Mama Lou arrives on tuesday night.  I can hardly wait. 
There is a really long road ahead.........but I am tackling one day at a time.  My old boss...Al once told me how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time!
Please know I am deeply touched by every card........every text.........every prayer.........every email...........every phone call..........every visit.  You all have blessed me so much beyond words.
I love you and hope you are being grateful for your health.
Live with passion
DJ

Your true self

The mirror simply reflects the person you see whereas humilty reflects the person that you are.  You can quote me on that!
I have been so deeply touched by the outpouring of messages from so many of you and to say they bring me joy would be a great understatement.
Try not to take advantage of any moment you have to tell someone how special they are to you because sadly we all run out of time.
I had a very hard time today......never made it out of my night shirt.  I am counting down the days and hours until tuesday when hopefully we can put an end to all this pain with my first chemo treatment.  Oh i know suffering will follow but I am better prepared this time.........although still scared.
I reflected today on what it has been like not having my mother for the past 13 years and it reminded me to stay strong so Ryan and Tanner don't have to know that feeling.
I got a few clothes packed but not really anything productive today. Lol. Sometimes it is easier to try and sleep thru the discomfort.  Really hoping things get better next week.
I am so fortunate to have you all in my corner.  I spend a lot of time thinking about you and how blessed my life is with you in it.  I love that so many of my friends have become friends with each other...............just shows how wonderful you all are. 
Off to an early bed time............xoxoxox
Live with Passion
DJ

Friendship

One of the most amazing things happened today.  One of my best friends...Sandy came over and spent the entire day with me.........just talking and going through every single thing I own to allocate it to someone in my will.  I can only imagine how hard that must have been spending the day with me planning my ending..........all the way down to the music playlist for my celebration of life party once I am gone.  She kept her composure and we reflected on many funny memories.  Sometimes we think the things around us are just things...........but for me there is a memory attached to almost everything I own.  I wish I could leave something for everyone but it is my hope you will take and keep the best part of me with each of you always...........as the best of you is part of me that I get to take with me.
While it is overwhelming to think we can change the world.........but you can easily change someone's world by just being kind.......please always give the best of you and expect the best in others and then together we can change the world.
I don't know if I spend more time in a day fighting for my life or begging God for a second chance.  I am confused as to who is really in charge now..........me or God?  Still no response from the pastor I emailed so maybe that is a sign he is not the right person to talk too???
I sure wish I knew back in my 20's what I know now........I think everyone's life would be richer if they could spend quality time with someone who is dying before their time.......I get that live like you're dying statement by James Dean. 
You all have blessed me so much......my life has been filled with so much laughter and joy.  I want so many more funny moments.  Thank you for being you......for being who you are when you are with me. 
Please share my blog with anyone you think might enjoy it......you don't have to know me to be able to learn with me on this journey. OK?  We can laugh and cry together and just grow together.
I love you Sandy......more than you will ever know.  You have never once complained about my rollercoaster ride of a life and you have embraced the drama queen within me and helped me contain it so we could always laugh at it. Lol. Please get my tiarra from Jesica and plop that thing on top of a big chocolate cake for me at the end would ya?  It just would not be a dawn party without bling lol
A weight was lifted off of me today and I feel I can spend more of my energy on my health.........it was a beautiful day.
Live with Passion
DJ

Progress report

Truthfully I am having a difficult time.  I can't get over all the mixed emotions this time.  Although the pain medication is helping it is also making me sick...as in vomiting sick.  The anxiety this time around is overwhelming.
One thing I know for sure is my family and friends are my lifeline so shipping me off to another state for possible better treatment would be a death sentence for me.  I cannot get thru this alone........I need all of you who love me.  You may think your notes and prayers are not enough but they affect me in a huge positive way.  I am in no means accepting my fate yet have chosen to fight with everything I have left in me.  If I go down it wont be without one hell of a fight.
On that note I start my new chemo next tuesday the 26th.  I will also get a lot of questions answered.  What I don't want to know is my odds or how much time I have left........I feel that is all up to me.
Tanner is doing a great job in taking care of me during the day while Tim is at work.  I will ask my Dad to comme up and take over when Tanner goes back to wsu to complete his last semester.  I have every intention of seeing him graduate in december.
I have requested a meeting with the pastor of the church I like to attend once or twice a year LOL. I need some spiritual guidance this time around as I am so confused why we have to travel this path again......did I miss something the first time around??
This is so hard for Tim and I am worried about him.  He lost his mother to panceatic cancer and having this second go around is really hard on him so please keep him in your prayers too.
I have had a spectacular life and I can honestly say I don't have any regrets....OK except for marrying David but what a lesson learned and I am sure I had to go thru that ugliness to get to Tim who is just so amazing.
Life turns on a dime so please don't be afraid to say I love you when you feel it.  Thats what we are all here for.......to love each other.  The more you love...the more you will be loved so donKt be stingy!
I am going to ralley myself together........throw on a wig and enjoy the margarita party on saturday.......virgin ones for me of course but I just want to laugh with my friends and pretend like I don't have cancer for a night. The best moments of my life are those wrapped with family and friends so I want to sneak in as many more as I can.
Much love to you!
Live with Passion
DJ

Just when you thought it was safe...

Well what a whirlwind of a week it has been.  I am not even sure where to start as the wind is still out of my sails.  I have had two surgical procedures to determine if this new mass is cancer and found out last night that it is.
I simply don't understand how a tumor can go from zero to hero in just a few months!  What the hell am I doing wrong?  This tumor is larger than before which explains the higher cancer marker but really????  Over inch and a half already?

I have been in so much pain and Dr Picozzi explained to me on the phone tonight that is from the cancer growing.  Needless to say we are getting started on a new chemotherapy regemine asap.  This time its a combination of three drugs given every two weeks.  Once the tumor is small enough we will begin a radiation regimine.  I can not do surgery again so pray the combiination works and does not kill me in the process.

I am so scared more than I have ever been in my life.  I am also sad to have to put my friends and family through this journey again.  It is heartbreaking for all of us.

Fortunately my youngest son Tanner has moved in with us for the summer so he can help until he goes back to school in august.  We are also downsizing to a small 2br townhome rambler in Maple Valley on July 7th so busy packing.

It is so scary embarking on this battle again when I am already so sick and weak.  I still have not healed my frozen shoulder...tendinitis oe compression fracture.  Heck my eyelashes are not even all back yet or my nails for that matter.

Sandy has really been my hero making time to get me to hospital over and over again.  Dont know what I would do without her.  Please help me help her find a job.  Shes been a building supervisor and is so smart...any company would be lucky to have her.

Val is already going full speed to help and be my angel again.  She is going to help me with my will and make arrangements for my cremation just in case I dont make it this time.  I saw what a mess one of Tims friends left when he died recently and I dont want to do that.

Please keep me and my family in your prayers.....we need them more than words can express.  For some reason this journey is a lot more emotional and harder than before.
LIVE WITH PASSION
DJ

Now that the news has marinated...

I am kepping in really positive spirits.  That does not mean there is not a part of me that is scared.  I just know we all come with an expiration date, unfortunately we don't when that is so I cannot afford to waste a day feeling worried or allowing the fear to consume me.

Last night at Relay for Life was incredible.  I was overwhelmed with the amount of support from friends and family.  Just another reminder of how truly blessed I am.  Also reminded me of just how much I love public speaking.  It was such an honor to be the survivor speaker, no words can express that feeling.  And beautiful Erika gave me a lovely introduction that just about had me in tears.  Thank you Erika!!

Here's a picture of me with my medal which I will always treasure!

I could not believe how many strangers were coming up and hugging me both after my speech and survivor lap.  That is the true feeling of joyful tears.  They were thanking me when I felt I wanted to thank them. LOL  Again, my hat goes off to all the survivors, their caregivers and the volunteers that make Relay for Life happen.  I know I would not be alive today if it were not for donation dollars that allowed researchers to develop the two chemo treatments that shrunk my tumor enough to make it operable.

I will post my speech on here as soon as Sandy emails it to me and I get in on utube.  Will be funny to watch myself. LOL

I have decided to really make getting my book published a priority so am actively looking for a literary agent that can get it published with one of the big guns such as Putnam.  I definately do not want to self publish, I have bigger expectations than that! LOL

Please have an incredible day..........and it's up to you to make it one!
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

Not out of the woods yet

Yesterday seem liked an ordinary Seattle day, gray, chance of rain, chance of sun but I had a curve ball hit me while at Virginia Mason for my check up. 

As most of you know my recovery has been very challenging most recently trying to heal thru my frozen shoulder and tendinitis only to get hit with a compression fracture last Thursday.............but yesterday takes the cake.

My ct scan came back and showed a lot of inflammation where my surgery was and my cancer marker came in over 2300.............geez did I even start that high to begin with last year??  Anyway, it is very possible the cancer is back so my doctors are scheduling me for another endoscopy surgery so they can go in and take pictures and do another biopsy to verify exactly what is going on.

I was so stunned by the news I didn't ask a single question.....just walked out of there in shock.  Unfortunately I was alone so didn't have back up like I usually do but like I said, I was  expecting nothing but positive results from all the tests.

It broke my heart to have to tell Tim, my family and friends that we may possibly have a rematch.  However, this time I'm bringing the big guns!!!

I don't know how I will get thru this financially but am going to call the hospital today to see if I  can qualify for some sort of financial aide since I have been out of work since October.  Worse they can do is say no, right?

I am still excited to be a guest speaker for the opening ceremony this Friday at the Federal Way Relay for Life AND participate in next week's pancreatic cancer symposium in Seattle.

I'm so blessed to have such an extraordinary group of friends and support system so I know whatever the future holds..........you will all help me get thru it positively!

Big group hug and please know how much I need your prayers again.  I love you all so much!
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

You're Invited!

I have been selected as one of the Faces of Hope for the Pancreatic Cancer Symposium this June in Seattle........the formal GALA is June 9th at 5PM at the Seattle Sheraton Hotel............Tim and I would love for any of you to join us.  Tickets can be purchased at

www.pancan.org/seattlegala and please let me know if you are attending so I can make arrangements for you to be at our table.  This is a charitible tax donation.

Thank you for your consideration!!

LIVE WITH PASSION!

Long Overdue Progress Report

To say I have hit some speed bumps along my recovery would be an understatement!  Here it is over four months after surgery and I am still not back to work.  It seems as though if it was not one thing, it was another.  However, I am making progress, it's just going a lot slower than I had antcipated.

The important thing is I am cancer free.  I have also started writing my book (even with a splint on my right arm from tendonitis) for the past month.  The joint pain has been so severe that Tim needs to help dress me now.  He also drives me where ever I need to go, even if it's showing houses to a client.  I feel like I have my own personal real estate chauffeur. LOL  What an angel.

I tell you, reliving some of my experiences on this journey for the book as been incredibly emotional.  What a ride this has been.  I can't beleive I'm still here ALIVE.  I really am living proof that miracles do happen.

I don't know what my future holds anymore.  Hopefully a best seller is in my near future!  What I do know is this, I will be more grateful for each day I am blessed with than ever before.  I look forward to getting to comb my hair again, it is starting to finally grow back.  I'm digging this whole new size six thing too!  I also have fingernails and toenails growing back.......

I am super excited at being one of the speakers at the opening ceremony for the Federal Way Relay for Life first weekend in June.  I am even more excited at the opportunity of being one of the faces of hope for the annual pancreas cancer symposium in Seattle, second weekend in June.  I hope to share my story with as many folks as it can help from this point forward,

I am so optimistic for all the doors of opportunity just waiting for me to open!

LIVE WITH PASSION!

My Big Fat Purple Benefit

Thank you to all the donors, sponsors, and attendees to My Big Fat Purple Benefit!  What an incredible evening it was!!  Most people have to die to have a celebration of life party, so I feel blessed and honored to have been able to attend my own party.

It was one of the best nights of my life.  Don't miss the pictures  http://edstreit.smugmug.com/Community-Events/Dawn-Jump-Benefit/2012-Dawn-Jump-Big-Fat-Purple! 

LIVE WITH PASSION
DJ

18 days of surgery..........

If I had this to do over again, I would have blogged each of the 18 days that I was in the hospital.  It's so hard to recapture the true feelings one was feeling on any given day.  I have a lot of mixed emotions about my time in the hospital.  One one hand, I'm so grateful for the incredible staff and Doctors that were caring for me, and then on the other I was not sure I was going to make it.

The 12 hour surgery lasted twice as long as anticipated.  THAT IS A LONG TIME TO BE OPEN ON THE TABLE and with that comes some horrible side affects in recOVERY.  I felt good coming out of surgery in recovery knowing that they were successful in removing the tumor from not only my body, but don't forget it was attached to an artery.  Dr. Rocha chipped away at my tumor for 12 hours!!!!!!!!!  I honestly don't know how many surgeons would have had the tenacity to hold out that long and not give up.  He even had a plan B if he couldn't get it removed from the artery but after 12 hours the tumor just let go from the artery (a miracle) and the rest is history. 

I struggled the next 17 days. We would take a step forward in recovery only to take two steps backward the next day.  It was 18 days of a roller coaster ride.  I had tubes coming out my arms, my port and my nose.  I was so bloated from all the fluids they had to pump into me during surgery that I had legs like an elephant.  I avoided the mirror at my step=mother's request. LOL 

One of the main complications that has my medical team bewildered was some swelling (some type of blockage) up near my pancreas.  This problem went on for weeks and test after test still left them in the dark.  I really got scared.  We take for granted that when we are sick the Dr's will access the situation and treat the problem.  What scared me, is they could not figure out what the problem was.  They had me scheduled for scope surgery to go in again and investigate the problem, and yet I was running out of patience.  I just wanted to come home..............after two weeks there was nothing I wanted more.  However, I knew I had to be able to take in food and keep it down before they would ever release me.  Up to this point they had been feeding me through a pick line in my arm that was directly placed in my heart. 

We started me on boost shakes and as soon as I kept one of those down I started to negotiate my release.  I wanted to be disconnected from all the tubes, especially the one up my nose and then I would start eating and if I kept the foods down they would release me on that Thursday before Christmas.  And so it was done.

You should have seen me.............as soon as I was disconnected from all the tubes I be lined so fast to the bathroom and into the shower I think I left a burn mark on the vinyl floor.  That was the best shower I ever had in my life. LOL  I had just had daily sponge baths up to that day.  I am still amazed at all the things we take for granted in our lives...............like a shower. LOL

My homecoming was so emotional............there are no words to describe how overwhelmed I was with gratitude when I came sat on our sofa.  Looking at all the holiday decor and just realizing what a miracle it is that I was alive to enjoy the holidays with my family and friends.  I mean there was a 95% chance that I was not going to be here and here I am.  There are just so many miracles that had to factor in to get me to this point.................from my original Dr. ordering a CT scan to begin with so he could discover my tumor and my oncologist with his aggressive chemo (which yes almost killed me) and then a surgeon that is willing to chisel away on a tumor for 12 hours until he had it all removed.  Then there is my family that drove up from Alabama and stayed her for 8 months to take care of me and then all my friends raising money to help me with the financial burden this has placed on me.  I am also deeply touched from all the prayers..........prayers from people that didn't even know me....................if you didn't believe in God, you would have to now as this whole journey has ended in am amazing miracle.

I spend my days resting at home, and letting my body heal.  Dr's tell me it will be 12 weeks before I feel somewhat normal.  I don't sleep well because it's hard to get comfortable.  There is always some sort of discomfort going on in my gut.  I'm trying to be patient though.  I'm thrilled to have lost 33 lbs so far.  I feel amazing over that!!!!

Thank you so much for all the cards and prayers.  I got threw all my mail this week.  I really can't begin to say thank you enough.  I really hope each of you will join me in celebrating my miracle on Feb. 18th and the big fat purple benefit in Browns Point.  What an amazing miracle.  I feel as though I have a 2nd chance at life to be a better mother, daughter, sister, friend and Realtor.

I want to share my story with as many people as possible in hopes that I can help others.  I really think anyone going thru chemo needs a cancer coach to hold their hand.  I understand what people stop going to chemo and give up yet would feel honored to help them keep fighting until they have their own miracle.

Happy New Year and may 2012 be your best year yet!
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ