Truthfully I am having a difficult time. I can't get over all the mixed emotions this time. Although the pain medication is helping it is also making me sick...as in vomiting sick. The anxiety this time around is overwhelming.
One thing I know for sure is my family and friends are my lifeline so shipping me off to another state for possible better treatment would be a death sentence for me. I cannot get thru this alone........I need all of you who love me. You may think your notes and prayers are not enough but they affect me in a huge positive way. I am in no means accepting my fate yet have chosen to fight with everything I have left in me. If I go down it wont be without one hell of a fight.
On that note I start my new chemo next tuesday the 26th. I will also get a lot of questions answered. What I don't want to know is my odds or how much time I have left........I feel that is all up to me.
Tanner is doing a great job in taking care of me during the day while Tim is at work. I will ask my Dad to comme up and take over when Tanner goes back to wsu to complete his last semester. I have every intention of seeing him graduate in december.
I have requested a meeting with the pastor of the church I like to attend once or twice a year LOL. I need some spiritual guidance this time around as I am so confused why we have to travel this path again......did I miss something the first time around??
This is so hard for Tim and I am worried about him. He lost his mother to panceatic cancer and having this second go around is really hard on him so please keep him in your prayers too.
I have had a spectacular life and I can honestly say I don't have any regrets....OK except for marrying David but what a lesson learned and I am sure I had to go thru that ugliness to get to Tim who is just so amazing.
Life turns on a dime so please don't be afraid to say I love you when you feel it. Thats what we are all here for.......to love each other. The more you love...the more you will be loved so donKt be stingy!
I am going to ralley myself together........throw on a wig and enjoy the margarita party on saturday.......virgin ones for me of course but I just want to laugh with my friends and pretend like I don't have cancer for a night. The best moments of my life are those wrapped with family and friends so I want to sneak in as many more as I can.
Much love to you!
Live with Passion
DJ
Monday, June 18, 2012
Progress report
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DJ, I'm so sorry, thers is nothing easy about what you are dealing with. Praying for you and for this treatment to work. Thank for your honesty and keep fighting! You are a beautiful person! Praying for you!
ReplyDeleteCheers my friend and love you:) I am so sorry for Tim's loss I had no idea. My long time friend Carol's mom passed from Pancreatic cancer and another friend I knew through a group of friends...this is not a nice cancer and I know the pain you have been trying to get through is taking a toll on you. I sat there by Hilda's side before her last day but I will say she went smiling she had a strong faith in God she was a woman of faith she went to church dedicatingly (Catholic) she took care of her daughter, mother and ex-husband until the day they both passed to the other side. She was a good woman so why did she have to suffer? No one will ever know the why's we just have to have faith that God knows what he is doing. The unknown is so scary and I wish I had words of wisdom for you I felt speechless last year when Ray Goddard told me goodbye that he was dying...all I could think of was to say Ok Ray I will see you on the other side someday...UGH...well I won't tell you goodbye because it's not your time yet and in my heart I still believe you can put up a good fight and I'm here cheering for you!xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteSorry forgot to sign....Kim:)
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