TIME............we never have enough.

Not exactly how or where to start this post..............so will start with my silence.  My nails HURT!  so it's hard to type (4 of them are just completely falling off right now making it really hard to type).  I keep thinking they will get better, not worse and I then I can just jump on the pc and starting typing liking a maniac like I always have................but NO, they are not getting better, although Dr. Picozzi told me to put Liquid Rogaine on them and it should keep them from falling off...................might have been nice to know that BEFORE some of them started to fall off.  Timing IS everything!

My beautiful eyelashes are gone now too..................you know I LOVE and treasure my eyelashes, it's part of my identity, or maybe I'm just a girly girl after all. LOL  So, I have it on my mission to go buy the glue on false eyelashes in hopes that I will feel better wearing them.  Although, not sure how much it will help with all the constant swelling and looking like an Asian Puff Fish all the time.  Who is that creepy looking girl in the mirror that keeps looking back at me?  I'm tired of seeing her!!!  I wonder if I could put my head in the freezer over night if it would even help make all this swelling go down.  Honestly, I will not need a Halloween costume by the time Oct. 31st rolls around, I should be the ultimate creepy looking girl by then.  Geez, and dont' even get me started on the bloating.  It is really odd to be down 10 lbs yet look fatter than when you started this whole journey, in fact, not even be able to fit into lots of your clothes because your tummy is sticking out so much and painful!!  Dr. said just eat mini meals and graze all day, no normal meals from this point forward.

I'm venting..............but am grateful that we only have two months of chemo left!  I say WE because you all are on this journey with me.  THANK YOU so much for your love and support.  Each month gets harder than the month before so I can't even imagine the shape I'll be in by the last treatment on Nov. 3rd LOL  Sandy might have to just throw me in a wheel barrel and tow me into chemo that day. LOL  Hey......that could be my Christmas Card this year!  LOL

My family support is now from a distance.  Dad and MamaLou are back in Alabama for health reasons.  Me and my Dad are competing for the limelight (must be a Polka thing). LOL  He will have surgery soon and need to recover so they probably won't be back until mid November at the earliest.  I miss them a lot...............nothing compares to my date day with Dad. 

Friends are now really gearing up for MY BIG FAT PURPLE BENEFIT and of course I'm stressing nobody will come.  We are down to the last month before we kick the fun night off with a great dinner and dancing, music, silent auction and even a dessert auction................I know it will be a super fun and very memorable night so trying to keep my thoughts on that.  Tickets are available at www.CancerDiva.com


Even though my body is falling apart little by little, I am so thankful that I can get up and go to work everyday..........or at least most days.  I usually have to take a day or two after my 2nd chemo week in a row.  Something about week #2 just kicks my ass and flares up a new side affect too, as if I need more!!!!!!!

Cancer affects everyone so differently...........even my Tanner.  There has been so much unusual silence between Tanner and I since I saw him over 4th of July.  We usually share EVERYTHING and that door just went the opposite direction, but he was over on Monday and we got a chance to talk one on one.  Things are much better now.  It's true though, some people pull in much closer and others need the space to digest and deal with the reality of my cancer.

I have decided, given the odds/5 year survival rate that I am living on borrowed time.  DON'T GET ME WRONG!  I AM BEATING THIS TUMOR! but I have no idea what the 5 year future holds so we are making some priority changes.  Changes in our lifestyle and many positive food choices and changes.  I would love to live a long time and can see if that is the case, little miss Diva Dawn needs to get her healthy A game on!  Tim is 100% on board!  We already have a gym picked out to join in January when I'm recovered from surgery.  I think the big change for me is no processed foods and no more white flour or sugar products.  Right now I'm eating whatever I can get to taste good in my mouth, which is not much but when metal mouth is gone....................I believe I will have a whole new appreciation for food, good food that is good for me!

TIME............we never have enough.  More than anything, we need to savor the time we spend with others.  It really is priceless! I got some sofa time with Cheryl (I refer to her as my big sis) last night and it was so nice to be able to break down and cry and just express how hard the journey is.  Tim sees that everyday, but I hide it from most and sugar coat my day as much as possible.  Complaining won't make it better but sometimes you have to get the bad feelings out, or they just brew inside of you.  Think about your time and who you share it with.....................make the people that love you and make you a better person a priority in your life...........they won't be around forever, and neither will you.  Savor time like you know  your expiration date.............What changes would you make, if any, in your life if the odds were you were not going to live beyond the next 5 years?  as in 95% chance you won't live beyond the next 5........that is a  GINORMOUS odd.  Think about it.

LIVE WITH PASSION
DJ

Winning each day....

It has become obvious to me now that I can't win each day.  There are going to be days where the side affects win and the best I can do is rest and focus my energy on recovering.  Winning the day and getting to go out and go to work and pretend like I'm not sick is the only way I know to get through this journey.  This week has hit hard, I'm now on a fluid diet until I figure out how to manage the bloating and swelling.  It just got too painful to eat.  Laying on the bed like a 400 lb beached whale in pain is not my idea of a good time. LOL  I feel better since I stopped eating though.

Each month is magnified from the month before.  I'm grateful I only have two and half months to go, but YIKES, I have two and half months to go. LOL  I know I can only do one day at a time.  That's all any of us can do!  It just seems overwhelming.

I broke down the other night with Tim.  You know one of those OMG I can't do this anymore moments.  Tim is such an angel, and always gets me through them.  He layed down with me and kept me focused on all the good.  However, at the same time, he always gives me permission to feel bad and have as many bad moments as I need to get through the journey.  I love him so much!

The relationships we keep really do define who we are.  I am so blessed to have so many people that love me and are caring for me.  My friends are angels, true angels!  I am just falling apart at the seams but my friends are like the glue holding me together.  We are bonded like that.  I don't have to talk to my friends everyday to know they are there..........praying, caring, and loving.  However, I know all I have to do is call and they'd be here with anything that I needed.  Don't you have friends like that?  You can go months without talking or seeing them, and yet just pick right up where you left off like not time ever passed.  The love of friends makes this world go round.

I am fatigued...........battling bloody nose, my pain in my nails has spread to my hands and feet, knee joints are giving out, constant watering eyes so I can't see, plus the bloating and swelling is handicapping me quite a bit and confining me to my bed.  I will call the Dr. today and see how to proceed..........I don't know if chemo or medications are causing all this havoc????? so I'm off the meds to try and give my body a rest.  I'm grateful for these 3 days off work so I can rest up and hopefully be back to functioning on Monday like a somewhat normal person. LOL

Call a friend today that you have not talked to in awhile!  Just to say I love you!
LIVE WITH PASSION
DJ

I think Week #2 is winning.........LOL

Man, I have been out of it since yesterday, just can't seem to get my get up and go.  Even the vitamins are not working.  Fatigue has really set in, as is some nausea, nails hurting, swollen face, watering eyes, scratchy throat..................UGH but thank heavens I don't have chemo this week so should be feeling some relief by the weekend.  I hope!

I miss being able to do stuff................like the grocery shopping and getting out of the house for a break from the routine (rut is more like it LOL).  Don't do much be bed rest when I get home.............I sleep a lot. 

When I got to work today, I bent down at the copier to get some paper and I could barely get back up.  My knees did not want to support me.  I'm so bloated, it feels like I'm about 9 months pregnant STILL. 

Have to keep my eye on the ball, Nov. 3rd last chemo and then a road to recovery and preparing for the big surgery in December.  Excited for my hair to start growing back! and being able to taste food again.  Hopefully in time for Thanksgiving!!!  My favorite holiday, and my brother and his family are flying up for the holiday, how awesome is that????????

My aunt is in town for the week from Arizona so will get to see her. She was big sister to my Mom.  I have not seen her in years so will be nice catching up, just wish under better circumstances.

Have a blessed day and enjoy the sunshine, it is gorgeous out there!  Definitely a topless day if I can get the energy to put the top down LOL

LIVE WITH PASSION
DJ

a nice weekend....

It has really been a nice weekend off from the office, I do have to admit!  We got to spend a beautiful Saturday with friends on their boats yesterday (THANK YOU GARY & LUDIE, SHANE & TANJA!) It was the perfect day for me in a long time.  Got to get out of the house and out of my lazy rut but yet enjoy a relaxing day with great friends and enjoy the sunshine for a change.  It was just perfect and what the Dr. ordered!  Love to you all so much for being so patient with me and getting me back to the car so I could sleep in my own bed at night.  xoxoxxxo

Today, I got to do a final walk thru with my niece and Kyle, her husband and see the Jump's again in their new soon to be house in Buckley.  Always a treat getting to see them, my niece just rocks this world!  especially mine, she's such a beautiful person.  I'm so proud of the women she's grown up to be!!!!!!  Love her to pieces.  They brought me back a beautiful glass blown fish wine stopper that I can't wait to use when I'm back off the wine wagon. LOL  Darn I miss my wine but the New Year and the New me will be here before we know it! 

Tim and I ran errands most the day, and although my face is swollen up like a balloon and look awful, we've got a lot done today!!  I'm exhausted so taking it easy the rest of the night.  Also have a lot of bloating today too.  I'm out of the steroids which I usually take 4 days after chemo to control the swelling and redness so will fill that prescription up in the morning once I get to the office.  Keep getting little sores in my mouth too, one goes away, then a new pops up but nothing like what I had a few weeks ago so I'm not going to complain, I can manage one or two at a time.  LOL  It's the mouthful that went into overdrive. 

I can't get over how blessed we are to have such great friends.........everyone is so kind too, calling me beautiful and gorgeous when I know I look really scary.  It is just so sweet of everyone to be so incredibly kind during this tough journey.

I am grateful to have this week off chemo so I can recover some of my energy which got zapped again this week.  The vitamins are certainly helping but I feel the fatigue a lot too since chemo on Thursday.  I must be the luckiest cancer patient in the world to get a week off chemo every month, I don't think I could handle anymore than what I'm doing right now...............that week off is always my salvation and keeps me going.

Hope you all are having a blessed day!  LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

Miss my normal eyes....

I was looking at a picture taken early on when I started chemo but didn't have the eye problems yet...............DARN I miss my old face!  These swollen watering like sprinkler system left on is wearing on me.  My eyes are sealed shut in the mornings and I have to pry them open, and then try and get the swelling down so I can see for a bit.  I'm going to talk to Picozzi tomorrow and see if there is anything that might help slow the production of tears down so I can function better.

I am praying my face goes back to the way it was...............had one gal tell me that her friend's skin never went back, it stayed super dry................UGH  Are you kidding me?  I'm going to assume all will go back to normal over time and I've got a couple products that some of you have told me to try (thank you Shari and Linda!!) and I'm optimistic they will help on this journey.  It's just finding that right product that helps.

Now, every time I eat I get super duper bloated, even if it's just some pretzels to help settle my stomach...................now I feel 9 months pregnant all the time too. LOL  Even though my weight is down, the water retention and bloating makes it look like I've gained 10 lbs....................can't really worry about stuff like that right now though, but it's uncomfortable.  I have a  new born compassion for pregnant women right now though. LOL

I miss my Dad already.  He flew back to Alabama to take care of him and the house but will be back in a month.  We've still got MamaLou so will take care of  her and her us while he's gone.  She's been amazing!  Will miss the next 3 chemo dates with Dad, but I've got one with Sandy tomorrow, then Jackie and MamaLou so really looking forward to some quality girl time!  Sandy and I are going to pick all these wine corks for projects tomorrow.  Our fingers will hurt by the time we leave.............LOL

Well, this exercise bike is staring at me so I better wrap this up and go see if I can peddle my way to some more energy.  I am doing better since I started on the Greensource vitamins, but still need to exercise some each day.

Embrace your health today and all the love!
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

LOVE..........

LOVE, the most powerful force in the universe! Without it, we have nothing.  It's not just the love of a soul-mate that we desire so much, it's the love of friends and family that really make our worlds go round.  I have put so much emphasis on health and how blessed you should feel if you have yours in tact, but really it's the LOVE that matters!  So don't be afraid to love generously.  By our age, we've all been hurt (scarred for life) but you can't live in the past and allow those scars to dictate your future.  You have to learn to forgive and move on or you just end up caging yourself in and not experiencing the true love God intended you to give and receive.

I was recently reminded of my own scars.  I've been deeply hurt, betrayed and it took me years to recover from it.  Those are lost years, but I'm open and happy now and you should be too!!  I'm blessed to have Tim who I truly believe is my soul-mate.  He's so good for me, to me and with me.  We laugh a lot together!!  He calls me out on my bullshit and won't let me run away when things get challenging.  He's being an absolute angel on this journey, where I think most men would have moved on and said, "I didn't sign up for this journey".  I'm proud to be with Tim, he's a good man with a huge heart of gold!!!!!!! and tons of love to give and I have tons to give him back.

You don't realize how much your friends really love you until you get in such difficult times and they just rise to the occasion.  I know my cancer has touched each friend differently.  All of you have responded in your own unique way, yet the depth of your love if the common thread and I feel beyond blessed to have so many friends that care and love me so much.  I hope I am as good a friend to you as you are to me.  It's THAT love from friends that has kept my world in a beautiful place and kept me incredibly happy! 

Since losing my mother in 1999, my heart opened up to more people.  It just takes a lot more people to fill the void she left behind.  She was my best friend, so back then my social circle was smaller because I had her so much of the time and she was such a big part of my life.  Her absence sent me many many new angels that I get to now call friend.  Because my family is so far away, I have come to think of my friends as my family.  They feel the same to me, that's how tight the bond has become.  How blessed is that?????????

We only have so much time here and now, so love deeply, passionately, and generously!  I think the more you love the better and happier your life will unravel into a beautiful life.  Holding back out of fear of pain, is just preventing the true bliss and joy that you can experience in this lifetime.  Like I said, we've all been hurt and if you are younger, then it's just a matter of time.  However, no matter how broken your heart may feel, it never stops beating, even though you may have those days when the pain is overwhelming and you want it to stop.  It doesn't. You move on and move on you must!

I am doing well.  I'm so fortunate to be breaking records and beating this thing called cancer.  I feel badly for those not getting the good news I get each week when I go in.  The daily grind of side affects is horrible but I can get through this journey with the love and support you all are giving me on a daily basis.  I have so much to look forward too!!!!  Like tasting food and not having my eyes watering like a faucet constantly.  I can't wait to look normal again. LOL  I'm anxious to not have metal mouth anymore, hopefully by Thanksgiving it will be mostly gone and I can taste my favorite holiday!!  My last chemo is scheduled for Nov. 3rd so I'm hopeful things will be getting back to normal weeks later. Not that Tim and I are making out like 9th graders on this journey, but I wonder if he taste the metal like I do LOL  Just a funny thought.

Live like your dying peeps and you'll be fine!!!!!!!!!!
LIVE WITH PASSION
DJ

Attitude

Today officially started Week #1 of my 2nd 9 week lag of chemo.  It went well, started earlier than usual, we had an 8am instead of a 2pm appointment due to not getting scheduled soon enough but it's all good.  Just bummed that I had miss work since our August sales meeting was today :(  Week 1 always goes good, it's week 2 that I fear. LOL

We met a family (mother has lung cancer) today in the elevator/lobby. Today  was her very first day of chemo.  I could tell they were all scared and confused and at that phase where you just don't know much.  I shared as much of my journey with her as I could and gave her my card to call me if she had any questions or just wanted a shoulder to lean on.  I felt bad for them, her cancer has spread to her blood and brain.  STILL, I believe the very first step to fighting cancer is BELIEVING you don't have cancer and pretending like you don't have cancer.  Attitude is the single one most important thing on this journey, and quite honestly, I think ANY journey you are taking.  What you believe on a regular basis unfolds into your life, no matter what it is so, careful of the thoughts you allow in since it's the life you let out.

I'm so blessed with the most amazing support group, starting my Dad and MamaLou.  It's always such a treat getting to share good news with you all!!!  I'm doing great, breaking records, and well on my way to a full recovery.  However, it all started on day 1 with my attitude.  I have chosen to pretend I am healthy and everything else just falls into play accordingly.  I have my days filled with fear, fear of the side affects though, not the outcome.  The outcome is me healthy and happy and 100% cancer free forever!  I don't want this back and am willing to endure the pain now to keep it that way. 

Due to the extreme fatigue that has set in, I am experiencing atrophy in my body from lack of movement.  Sooooooooooooo, this month my focus is on exercising a little each and every day.  Tim also got me started on greensource vitamins which give you energy and I can already tell a world of difference.  He also is taking walks with me (it's romantic to me) I am also starting to take pancreatic enzymes to help along this journey.  Now, that I have the inside figured out, need to get the outside figured out.  This damn skin peeling thing is crazy and I'm anxious to try some new products that were suggested from my support group.  Something out there has got to get this constant peeling under control.  I'm willing to try anything.

I'm drinking a lot more fluids now too since I discovered Gaterade.  Flushing this chemo thru me as quickly as possible can only help with the side affects. 

On facebook today I asked everyone to write down 100 things they have to be grateful for.............I think when you take the time out of your day to really FEEL grateful and focus on gratitude instead of dreams, you just inched your way closer to your dreams!  Again, attitude is everything so have a grateful one at that!

Being on this journey has my eyes wide open to just how fortunate we all are.  Sitting in the chemo lobby and seeing the fear and pain in the eyes of the patients really hits home.  Their world has been turned upside down and the last thing on their mind is their attitude.  Yet, it's still working to lead them on their journey which could be good or bad.  It all starts in the mind, not the body!  What they think determines the action they will take.  Action creates reaction and that my friend is life.

I'm also going to type out a list of positive affirmations to help me keep my fears in check.  I know if I keep saying and talking about week #2 then it is inevitable that week #2 will bring some new bad effect that I will have to deal with.  I think writing down and reading my affirmations daily will keep me focused on the good and my fear will disappear along with any negative side affects.  Seeeeeeeeeeee, we are back to attitude.  I have to BELIEVE that I already have all the affects that I'm going to have, nothing new will come along.  THIS is as bad as it gets for Dawn!  I can handle this one day at a time.

My Dad leaves to go back home to Alabama on Tuesday.  He'll be gone for a month but I still have MamaLou here and looking forward to dates with her!  As much as I miss my mother (daily) and some days more than others, I don't think my mother would have handled this journey well.  I'm glad I have Lou to help feel that motherly void.  She's been AMAZING on this journey and beyond supportive, not only for me, but for my Dad and Tim as well.  She's just a little pistol and I love her to pieces!  There is just a peace of mind knowing I have a Mom down the street if I need ANYTHING.  Plus it's a bonus that she's so talented and creative so she's going to help us make some auction pieces too which will be fun!!!  I love my girl time!!

My motto today is no matter what challenge lays ahead of you, get your mind in the game first, in a winning game!

LIVE WITH PASSION
DJ

Fatigue...............not a fashion statement.

There are moments that seem so overwhelming.  I have expected to be tired on this  journey.  People have even used the word "getting a dose of fatigue" when referring to chemo.  However, this is way more than I signed up for. LOL  I am so high energy that I just assumed I'd be affected by maybe half of what most people are.  Boy was I wrong.  I mean my legs and knees are feeling funny like it is a major workout for me to just get up and down stairs now.  This is what it must feel like to be 100 years old!  only problem here, I'm only 48.  LOL

I am not sure if I should be resting so that I can savage the energy up to use eating utensils or be forcing myself to work out and walk around the block each day.  What if atrophy sets in?  then what? 

There is not enough moisturizer on the planet to get my skin through this.............I wish there was one magic brand that did the trick.  LOL  I heard watercress nuts are good for your skin so am going to start eating them LOL  I get the "you are what you eat" so I'm trying to eat healthier.  But in the meantime, I just wish I could have a day here and there where my skin was not all swollen and peeling and the eyes could rest from tearing up all day long............just a little break in the cycle. LOL

I have discovered Gatorade taste good so now I can get some fluids through me and hopefully flush the chemo through my system more quickly and efficiently.  I get overwhelmed when I think I've got chemo until Nov. 3rd.  That is just a lifetime away with these daily side affects.  I'm thinking Gaterade in a champagne flute taste even better! LOL

My goal is to focus on August.............and August only.  It's a long month, but it's finally summer here so everyone should be happier.  I can't go out and enjoy the sun but am happy for all of you that can.  Don't put off enjoying today just because you think tomorrow you can.  Today really is a gift.............it might be the best of what you have so make it so!  Love more today!  Laugh more today!
and share yourself with others in any way that you can.  For God sake, don't sweat the small stuff...........................today is YOUR day!  SAVOR IT!
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ