Your true self

The mirror simply reflects the person you see whereas humilty reflects the person that you are.  You can quote me on that!
I have been so deeply touched by the outpouring of messages from so many of you and to say they bring me joy would be a great understatement.
Try not to take advantage of any moment you have to tell someone how special they are to you because sadly we all run out of time.
I had a very hard time today......never made it out of my night shirt.  I am counting down the days and hours until tuesday when hopefully we can put an end to all this pain with my first chemo treatment.  Oh i know suffering will follow but I am better prepared this time.........although still scared.
I reflected today on what it has been like not having my mother for the past 13 years and it reminded me to stay strong so Ryan and Tanner don't have to know that feeling.
I got a few clothes packed but not really anything productive today. Lol. Sometimes it is easier to try and sleep thru the discomfort.  Really hoping things get better next week.
I am so fortunate to have you all in my corner.  I spend a lot of time thinking about you and how blessed my life is with you in it.  I love that so many of my friends have become friends with each other...............just shows how wonderful you all are. 
Off to an early bed time............xoxoxox
Live with Passion
DJ

Friendship

One of the most amazing things happened today.  One of my best friends...Sandy came over and spent the entire day with me.........just talking and going through every single thing I own to allocate it to someone in my will.  I can only imagine how hard that must have been spending the day with me planning my ending..........all the way down to the music playlist for my celebration of life party once I am gone.  She kept her composure and we reflected on many funny memories.  Sometimes we think the things around us are just things...........but for me there is a memory attached to almost everything I own.  I wish I could leave something for everyone but it is my hope you will take and keep the best part of me with each of you always...........as the best of you is part of me that I get to take with me.
While it is overwhelming to think we can change the world.........but you can easily change someone's world by just being kind.......please always give the best of you and expect the best in others and then together we can change the world.
I don't know if I spend more time in a day fighting for my life or begging God for a second chance.  I am confused as to who is really in charge now..........me or God?  Still no response from the pastor I emailed so maybe that is a sign he is not the right person to talk too???
I sure wish I knew back in my 20's what I know now........I think everyone's life would be richer if they could spend quality time with someone who is dying before their time.......I get that live like you're dying statement by James Dean. 
You all have blessed me so much......my life has been filled with so much laughter and joy.  I want so many more funny moments.  Thank you for being you......for being who you are when you are with me. 
Please share my blog with anyone you think might enjoy it......you don't have to know me to be able to learn with me on this journey. OK?  We can laugh and cry together and just grow together.
I love you Sandy......more than you will ever know.  You have never once complained about my rollercoaster ride of a life and you have embraced the drama queen within me and helped me contain it so we could always laugh at it. Lol. Please get my tiarra from Jesica and plop that thing on top of a big chocolate cake for me at the end would ya?  It just would not be a dawn party without bling lol
A weight was lifted off of me today and I feel I can spend more of my energy on my health.........it was a beautiful day.
Live with Passion
DJ

Progress report

Truthfully I am having a difficult time.  I can't get over all the mixed emotions this time.  Although the pain medication is helping it is also making me sick...as in vomiting sick.  The anxiety this time around is overwhelming.
One thing I know for sure is my family and friends are my lifeline so shipping me off to another state for possible better treatment would be a death sentence for me.  I cannot get thru this alone........I need all of you who love me.  You may think your notes and prayers are not enough but they affect me in a huge positive way.  I am in no means accepting my fate yet have chosen to fight with everything I have left in me.  If I go down it wont be without one hell of a fight.
On that note I start my new chemo next tuesday the 26th.  I will also get a lot of questions answered.  What I don't want to know is my odds or how much time I have left........I feel that is all up to me.
Tanner is doing a great job in taking care of me during the day while Tim is at work.  I will ask my Dad to comme up and take over when Tanner goes back to wsu to complete his last semester.  I have every intention of seeing him graduate in december.
I have requested a meeting with the pastor of the church I like to attend once or twice a year LOL. I need some spiritual guidance this time around as I am so confused why we have to travel this path again......did I miss something the first time around??
This is so hard for Tim and I am worried about him.  He lost his mother to panceatic cancer and having this second go around is really hard on him so please keep him in your prayers too.
I have had a spectacular life and I can honestly say I don't have any regrets....OK except for marrying David but what a lesson learned and I am sure I had to go thru that ugliness to get to Tim who is just so amazing.
Life turns on a dime so please don't be afraid to say I love you when you feel it.  Thats what we are all here for.......to love each other.  The more you love...the more you will be loved so donKt be stingy!
I am going to ralley myself together........throw on a wig and enjoy the margarita party on saturday.......virgin ones for me of course but I just want to laugh with my friends and pretend like I don't have cancer for a night. The best moments of my life are those wrapped with family and friends so I want to sneak in as many more as I can.
Much love to you!
Live with Passion
DJ

Just when you thought it was safe...

Well what a whirlwind of a week it has been.  I am not even sure where to start as the wind is still out of my sails.  I have had two surgical procedures to determine if this new mass is cancer and found out last night that it is.
I simply don't understand how a tumor can go from zero to hero in just a few months!  What the hell am I doing wrong?  This tumor is larger than before which explains the higher cancer marker but really????  Over inch and a half already?

I have been in so much pain and Dr Picozzi explained to me on the phone tonight that is from the cancer growing.  Needless to say we are getting started on a new chemotherapy regemine asap.  This time its a combination of three drugs given every two weeks.  Once the tumor is small enough we will begin a radiation regimine.  I can not do surgery again so pray the combiination works and does not kill me in the process.

I am so scared more than I have ever been in my life.  I am also sad to have to put my friends and family through this journey again.  It is heartbreaking for all of us.

Fortunately my youngest son Tanner has moved in with us for the summer so he can help until he goes back to school in august.  We are also downsizing to a small 2br townhome rambler in Maple Valley on July 7th so busy packing.

It is so scary embarking on this battle again when I am already so sick and weak.  I still have not healed my frozen shoulder...tendinitis oe compression fracture.  Heck my eyelashes are not even all back yet or my nails for that matter.

Sandy has really been my hero making time to get me to hospital over and over again.  Dont know what I would do without her.  Please help me help her find a job.  Shes been a building supervisor and is so smart...any company would be lucky to have her.

Val is already going full speed to help and be my angel again.  She is going to help me with my will and make arrangements for my cremation just in case I dont make it this time.  I saw what a mess one of Tims friends left when he died recently and I dont want to do that.

Please keep me and my family in your prayers.....we need them more than words can express.  For some reason this journey is a lot more emotional and harder than before.
LIVE WITH PASSION
DJ

Now that the news has marinated...

I am kepping in really positive spirits.  That does not mean there is not a part of me that is scared.  I just know we all come with an expiration date, unfortunately we don't when that is so I cannot afford to waste a day feeling worried or allowing the fear to consume me.

Last night at Relay for Life was incredible.  I was overwhelmed with the amount of support from friends and family.  Just another reminder of how truly blessed I am.  Also reminded me of just how much I love public speaking.  It was such an honor to be the survivor speaker, no words can express that feeling.  And beautiful Erika gave me a lovely introduction that just about had me in tears.  Thank you Erika!!

Here's a picture of me with my medal which I will always treasure!

I could not believe how many strangers were coming up and hugging me both after my speech and survivor lap.  That is the true feeling of joyful tears.  They were thanking me when I felt I wanted to thank them. LOL  Again, my hat goes off to all the survivors, their caregivers and the volunteers that make Relay for Life happen.  I know I would not be alive today if it were not for donation dollars that allowed researchers to develop the two chemo treatments that shrunk my tumor enough to make it operable.

I will post my speech on here as soon as Sandy emails it to me and I get in on utube.  Will be funny to watch myself. LOL

I have decided to really make getting my book published a priority so am actively looking for a literary agent that can get it published with one of the big guns such as Putnam.  I definately do not want to self publish, I have bigger expectations than that! LOL

Please have an incredible day..........and it's up to you to make it one!
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ