We had a HUGE breakthrough yesterday at the hospital!! After the results of my tests were in Dr. P told us that I am now a surgical candidate!!!!!!!!!! It was really an emotional moment. Even though I knew I would get to this point, a part of me feared the what if I don't. This is living proof in the power of prayer. I am so blessed to have so many people praying for my full recovery!!
I also got to meet a very lovely woman about 20 years older than me that has just completed her journey with cancer. It happens to be the SAME one I'm on. Same 6 months of chemo, same cocktails, same Dr. and same Whipple surgery. She was only 3 weeks out of surgery and although she was walking with a cane, she looked and sounded wonderful and CANCER FREE.She told me the surgery although brutal was not as bad as she thought it was going to be...................how encouraging is that??????????
All I have to do is survive this next six weeks of chemo. I know this will not be easy, I am already so weak and have nausea almost everyday but I know now I can do this. I'm missing more work than I had planned but they are being supportive and understanding. I'm going to break this down into bite size pieces and focus on one week at a time starting on Monday. I'm going to rest up this weekend and hope to work a full week next week.
Tim is back in town and all tan so he's not helping my ego at all.............now I look like an albino next to him. LOL Hey, albino's need love too. LOL It's awesome having Dad back in town too. We have already enjoyed our few days together and look forward to all the time together ahead of us on this journey. He gives me strength.
MaMaLou on the other hand needs your prayers...........she fell and broke her shoulder so in Alabama on the mend. Has to wear a trainer for 3 weeks and then go it for check up. I miss her too and hope she's back in November once her shoulder is healed. Like me, she's a tough cookie and will get thru this.
Again, thank you to all my angles out there!!!!!!! We did it!
LIVE WITH PASSION
DJ
Friday, September 30, 2011
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Finally asking for help...
I don't care how strong you THINK you are, cancer is going to get the best of you. Not at all times, but it's going to have it's moments. For example, I'm five months into this journey and finally broke down and asked a friend for a laundry list of much needed items to help me thru my discomfort i.e. manicure gloves, tea tree oil, and chocolate muscle milk light plus she helped me make my bed after I washed my sheets. I didn't want to ask her to pick up those things because the last thing I want to do is burden someone or be an inconvenience. However, I NEEDED these things and poof she was there with them. Thank you Valerie! and I can't get over how comforting it was to just break down in tears in her arms. Did the same with my Dad when he got home last night (to my home). No matter how stubborn you may be, cancer will force you into a corner where you HAVE to ask for help. I'm glad it happened, I get it now. I think it made Val feel good to be able to help in what she thought was a small way, but it was huge to me.
So now you are probably wondering tea tree oil and manicure gloves???????? Yes, my nails smelled like dirty ass (sorry for being so blunt) but it is what it is so I needed to treat them and cover them up so I could function. They made my bed stink, me stink, it was beyond gross. I assume this is just a phase the nails are in while rotting off or something. It was making me gag every time I smelled them though which was way too often. I never realized how often my hands are in my face area until they started to rot.
It has really been an emotional week. I made a post on facebook about trying to negotiate my way out of the last six weeks of chemo. Basically, I hit my limit. I'm tired of being sick and dragging Tim down with me. It' hard to see the ones you love hurting for you. WOW...........that little comment triggered a bunch of you to open a can of whip ass on me that day!! I by no means was or am quitting!!!!!!! I am going to beat this tumor and if it takes six more weeks of chemo, so be it! I understand now that my Dr. is trying to save my life by preventing future tumors. I'm all on board with that because I do not want to be on this journey ever again.
I was contacted by two blasts from the past this week. My best friend from Alabama and an old friend from high school days. Both very welcomed emails and I look forward to reeling them back into my life as much as possible. Both these people made big ripples in my life and I would consider it a blessing to have them back in my life again.
I love my friends...........when I'm curled up in bed sick and wondering how long the discomfort is going to last and if I'll be able to make it to work the next day, it so nice to get a thoughtful text message from a friend letting me know they're thinking of me and pulling for me. I am the luckiest gal in the world! I'm sorry that I don't log on when I am that sick but Val is pretty good about keeping you all updated on my status on CancerDiva Facebook.
I look like Mini Mouse with my white gloves on................LOL or at least the beginnings of a Halloween costume.
Hey I am curious about the movie 50/50 about the guy with cancer..............you go see if first and let me know if I'll be able relate or if it will just upset me. LOL It is based on a true story.
As I spend more time thinking about my own mortality I realize I have a lot to do to get my affairs in order should something take a turn and my life be cut short. PLEASE DON'T PANIC I am not thinking this will happen, but one needs to be prepared under the circumstances. LOL There are so many people I love that I would like leave them something (a piece of me) or something that was important to me. For the record, I want to be cremated and my ashes spread over the sound somewhere unless Ryan or Tanner wants them on their mantel. No funeral..................just a big PARTAY!!!!!!!!!
I look forward to MY BIG FAT PURPLE BENEFIT at the end of January/early February. Glad it has been moved so I can attend and feel healthy and cancer free and really have something to celebrate!! Hopefully we'll have more people attending by having the event further north too. Would love to fill a room with 150 peeps!!!!!!!!!!
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ
So now you are probably wondering tea tree oil and manicure gloves???????? Yes, my nails smelled like dirty ass (sorry for being so blunt) but it is what it is so I needed to treat them and cover them up so I could function. They made my bed stink, me stink, it was beyond gross. I assume this is just a phase the nails are in while rotting off or something. It was making me gag every time I smelled them though which was way too often. I never realized how often my hands are in my face area until they started to rot.
It has really been an emotional week. I made a post on facebook about trying to negotiate my way out of the last six weeks of chemo. Basically, I hit my limit. I'm tired of being sick and dragging Tim down with me. It' hard to see the ones you love hurting for you. WOW...........that little comment triggered a bunch of you to open a can of whip ass on me that day!! I by no means was or am quitting!!!!!!! I am going to beat this tumor and if it takes six more weeks of chemo, so be it! I understand now that my Dr. is trying to save my life by preventing future tumors. I'm all on board with that because I do not want to be on this journey ever again.
I was contacted by two blasts from the past this week. My best friend from Alabama and an old friend from high school days. Both very welcomed emails and I look forward to reeling them back into my life as much as possible. Both these people made big ripples in my life and I would consider it a blessing to have them back in my life again.
I love my friends...........when I'm curled up in bed sick and wondering how long the discomfort is going to last and if I'll be able to make it to work the next day, it so nice to get a thoughtful text message from a friend letting me know they're thinking of me and pulling for me. I am the luckiest gal in the world! I'm sorry that I don't log on when I am that sick but Val is pretty good about keeping you all updated on my status on CancerDiva Facebook.
I look like Mini Mouse with my white gloves on................LOL or at least the beginnings of a Halloween costume.
Hey I am curious about the movie 50/50 about the guy with cancer..............you go see if first and let me know if I'll be able relate or if it will just upset me. LOL It is based on a true story.
As I spend more time thinking about my own mortality I realize I have a lot to do to get my affairs in order should something take a turn and my life be cut short. PLEASE DON'T PANIC I am not thinking this will happen, but one needs to be prepared under the circumstances. LOL There are so many people I love that I would like leave them something (a piece of me) or something that was important to me. For the record, I want to be cremated and my ashes spread over the sound somewhere unless Ryan or Tanner wants them on their mantel. No funeral..................just a big PARTAY!!!!!!!!!
I look forward to MY BIG FAT PURPLE BENEFIT at the end of January/early February. Glad it has been moved so I can attend and feel healthy and cancer free and really have something to celebrate!! Hopefully we'll have more people attending by having the event further north too. Would love to fill a room with 150 peeps!!!!!!!!!!
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ
Thursday, September 15, 2011
From the Twilight Zone to Hell and back
Tim and I spent Friday night in the Twilight Zone aka Virginia Mason's emergency room. First of all, it' son the 6th floor! Who puts an ER on the 6th floor???????????? Weird!!!!!!!!! It really didn't take that long to get checked in but when we were walking back to the room, the gal says UH OH, the room is not clean so just sit down here (the hallway on a cot) so Tim and I each pick a cot to sit on and wait, and wait, and wait...............30 mins later or so we get into a room. Nurses had nothing but problems accessing my port in fact they are all convinced the port is infected and blaming he port for them not being able to draw any blood. However, one of the nurses proceeds to hook up my saline or whatever er they put in you to replenish your fluids but since he's not accessing the port properly, this fluid if filling up directly into my chest and HURTS!!!!!!! Finally I say something and they remove it and do it the old fashioned way. Next thing I know the Dr who I have never seen is admitting me! How can yo admit someone into the hospital that you have never examined???? I freak out and dont' want to stay.............a shift change occurs and with that comes a new nurse and new Dr. and next thing you know I get to go home but before I do, they decide to admit me again. UGH I can't keep up!!!!!!!!! then Dr. comes in and says she will release me so I am in a hell of hurry to get dressed and get out there before they change their minds again. LOL It was scary and nobody was communicating with anybody else and we left with no more answers than we came with all over a fever. LOL
Well, here I am at chemo right now and not a hick up or hitch with my port..........can we say user error up at ER last Friday? I knew they didn't know what they were talking about. It was like it was every body's first night there. LOL Chemo running really late today but just gives me more time with my peep Sandy. LOL Blood work tells the Dr. something is wrong so he's putting me on antibiotics which explains the off and on again fever. I think I just have a bug in my chest that triggered my asthma issues.
It has been a really rough journey and I realize it's going to continue to get worse before it gets better. I'm already tired of this game and don't want to pl;ay anymore. Just want to be done. Chemo is wearing me down which I am sure is normal by this late in the game so I know I'm not feeling anything anybody else wouldn't be feeling.
I really miss my Dad but am hoping he will be back up here next week..........we should know soon if he has to have surgery and can jump on a plane and be back up here for the rest of my journey. I need him more now that I'm getting sicker and often time scared. I'm not giving up but any means, but do have days where I just get really scared.........my biggest what if is what if this tumor does not separate from the main artery, what does that mean to surgery wise????? and to my recovery from surgery????????
I hate to sound like a broken recorded but this nail thing is gross. Although I'm trying to save them with Rogaine, they are rotting off and it smells sooooooooooooooooo gross, like a dead body. I can't even stand my hands near my face the smell is so bad. In fact, it will wake me up from a dead sleep. Nurse suggested soaking them in tree tea oil so am going to try that. I have nothing to lose right? So if you are near me and think I stink......it's not me, it's my fingernails!! LOL
Hey we moved the BIG FAT PURPLE BENEFIT. Decided that we could get more people if we move the event to late January and move it further North..........maybe lilke tukwila area so we can capture more North enders. This also gives Val and Sharon more time to procure auction items and sponsors. Sooooooooo if you have any inside connections to a location that you think might be good and cheap, please let us know!! We would be grateful for your help. Also perk is that I will be healed up from surgery and be able to celebrate being cancer free and actually have a glass of wine to celebrate with you!!!!!!
Chemo takes you to hell, that's all I got to say about that. There are no words to describe the occasional fear, the quality of life that it robs from you and the physical torture. So I'm sure you can understand why I just want to be done..............after today though, only 5 more treatments to Nov.3rd I am on the homestretch!!!!
Please be grateful for your health, despite anything else bad that maybe happening in your world.
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ
Well, here I am at chemo right now and not a hick up or hitch with my port..........can we say user error up at ER last Friday? I knew they didn't know what they were talking about. It was like it was every body's first night there. LOL Chemo running really late today but just gives me more time with my peep Sandy. LOL Blood work tells the Dr. something is wrong so he's putting me on antibiotics which explains the off and on again fever. I think I just have a bug in my chest that triggered my asthma issues.
It has been a really rough journey and I realize it's going to continue to get worse before it gets better. I'm already tired of this game and don't want to pl;ay anymore. Just want to be done. Chemo is wearing me down which I am sure is normal by this late in the game so I know I'm not feeling anything anybody else wouldn't be feeling.
I really miss my Dad but am hoping he will be back up here next week..........we should know soon if he has to have surgery and can jump on a plane and be back up here for the rest of my journey. I need him more now that I'm getting sicker and often time scared. I'm not giving up but any means, but do have days where I just get really scared.........my biggest what if is what if this tumor does not separate from the main artery, what does that mean to surgery wise????? and to my recovery from surgery????????
I hate to sound like a broken recorded but this nail thing is gross. Although I'm trying to save them with Rogaine, they are rotting off and it smells sooooooooooooooooo gross, like a dead body. I can't even stand my hands near my face the smell is so bad. In fact, it will wake me up from a dead sleep. Nurse suggested soaking them in tree tea oil so am going to try that. I have nothing to lose right? So if you are near me and think I stink......it's not me, it's my fingernails!! LOL
Hey we moved the BIG FAT PURPLE BENEFIT. Decided that we could get more people if we move the event to late January and move it further North..........maybe lilke tukwila area so we can capture more North enders. This also gives Val and Sharon more time to procure auction items and sponsors. Sooooooooo if you have any inside connections to a location that you think might be good and cheap, please let us know!! We would be grateful for your help. Also perk is that I will be healed up from surgery and be able to celebrate being cancer free and actually have a glass of wine to celebrate with you!!!!!!
Chemo takes you to hell, that's all I got to say about that. There are no words to describe the occasional fear, the quality of life that it robs from you and the physical torture. So I'm sure you can understand why I just want to be done..............after today though, only 5 more treatments to Nov.3rd I am on the homestretch!!!!
Please be grateful for your health, despite anything else bad that maybe happening in your world.
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ
Friday, September 9, 2011
2 Points for Chemo..... 0 for Dawn
It has been a L O N G week since chemo on the 1st. That Round 2 hit me like a Mack truck at a nascar race. I seriously had no idea I would ever get that sick. Don't get me wrong, I have had my fair share of side effects and whined about them all! but this put things in a different perspective. You'll know longer see me complaining about the physical affects anymore, as now I know I need to be grateful for the ability to eat and digest food properly. I went a number of days without eating, but could keep some little fluids down and Tim finally took charge and made me eat chicken noodle soup and he didn't care which end it might come out of, he was getting nutrition in me. Nor did he care about what I thought tasted good or not. I got so weak and eventually a fever hit (FEVER = VERY DANGEROUS ZONE WHEN YOU ARE ON CHEMO) but Tim nursed me thru it and the fever actually broke this morning some time. I feel much better.
Yesterday at the office, Barb J. brought me chicken noodle soup which SAVED me! It was just what I needed to finish up my days work. I felt a ton better after eating it! I am staying on the liquid diet for awhile just to be sure my system is rested and healed. Somewhere along the way, my pancreas got really pissed off!
You know I'm sick if I don't post an update on my cancer diva group on facebook. I appreciate all the support, the messages, the texts and THANK YOU KEVIN AN LINDA FOR THE PURPLE CARE PACKAGE. I got it yesterday.
I can't even begin to express how guilty I feel whining about nails, Asian Puff Fish, metal mouth, or all the other physical stuff I've developed since being on chemo. Having been so wiped out, and so sick this week I realize I need to be thankful for having my insides healthy enough that I can function almost normally. I'm fine eating mini meals, heck; I'm fine eating just liquids, but being zapped by the chemo demon like I was this week is NOT OK. No matter how grateful we all are, seems there is always something we are overlooking to be grateful for.
I don't know how future week #2's are going to unravel now but let's just say this past week put the fear of God in me. LOL Someone suggested just relaxing so I am thinking bubble baths are in my near future and I'm going to drink my Gatorade or juice out of my blingy champagne flute.........yes the famous ONE. LOL If you don't know the story to that, please see me in person and I'll explain, it's a good one!
Looks like MY BIG FAT PURPLE BENEFIT is going to be moved to end of January and to a facility further north to accommodate more people and get this baby switched to a Saturday rather than a Friday night. Please stand by for more details as they are determined..........Val and Sharon are looking for ideas for locations between Federal Way and Tukwila.
So where's the lesson in all this.................???? Grab your journal and make a list of all those things that you really need to be grateful for that allow you to LIVE your life day to day.............a healthy heart, healthy bones, healthy stomach, etc. and remember it's up to YOU to have a healthy attitude! But this should help you get started!
I've had a lot of people ask me what I can eat so here's a list of some things I think taste good and feel good eating................I call them my comfort foods, Sweets are the worse tasting of anything so I have been avoiding them.
DJ
Yesterday at the office, Barb J. brought me chicken noodle soup which SAVED me! It was just what I needed to finish up my days work. I felt a ton better after eating it! I am staying on the liquid diet for awhile just to be sure my system is rested and healed. Somewhere along the way, my pancreas got really pissed off!
You know I'm sick if I don't post an update on my cancer diva group on facebook. I appreciate all the support, the messages, the texts and THANK YOU KEVIN AN LINDA FOR THE PURPLE CARE PACKAGE. I got it yesterday.
I can't even begin to express how guilty I feel whining about nails, Asian Puff Fish, metal mouth, or all the other physical stuff I've developed since being on chemo. Having been so wiped out, and so sick this week I realize I need to be thankful for having my insides healthy enough that I can function almost normally. I'm fine eating mini meals, heck; I'm fine eating just liquids, but being zapped by the chemo demon like I was this week is NOT OK. No matter how grateful we all are, seems there is always something we are overlooking to be grateful for.
I don't know how future week #2's are going to unravel now but let's just say this past week put the fear of God in me. LOL Someone suggested just relaxing so I am thinking bubble baths are in my near future and I'm going to drink my Gatorade or juice out of my blingy champagne flute.........yes the famous ONE. LOL If you don't know the story to that, please see me in person and I'll explain, it's a good one!
Looks like MY BIG FAT PURPLE BENEFIT is going to be moved to end of January and to a facility further north to accommodate more people and get this baby switched to a Saturday rather than a Friday night. Please stand by for more details as they are determined..........Val and Sharon are looking for ideas for locations between Federal Way and Tukwila.
So where's the lesson in all this.................???? Grab your journal and make a list of all those things that you really need to be grateful for that allow you to LIVE your life day to day.............a healthy heart, healthy bones, healthy stomach, etc. and remember it's up to YOU to have a healthy attitude! But this should help you get started!
I've had a lot of people ask me what I can eat so here's a list of some things I think taste good and feel good eating................I call them my comfort foods, Sweets are the worse tasting of anything so I have been avoiding them.
- Pretzels
- Macaroni & Cheese
- Chicken Noodle Soup
- Pink Grapefruit
- Taco Time's White Chicken Chili
- Starbucks unsweetened Passion IceTea
- Qdoba naked chicken queso burrito w/black beans & pica de gayo
- Diet Lime Coke
- Unsweetened Ice Tea
- Lemon/Lime Gaterade
- Emerald City Smoothie chocolate LEAN OUT
DJ
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Emotional Chemo Date on Thursday...
Thursday was the most emotional chemo date I've had. In fact, I think it was the most emotional visit with Dr. Picozzi. Sometimes I think he doesn't believe how bad my side affects are because every time I see him, I look half way presentable and he always comments how great I look. I figured out that the steroids they put me on before and during chemo keep my facial swelling at a presentable level. My mission on Thursday, was to get a full prescription of steroids so I could travel the rest of this two months I have left looking somewhat like a normal person, and not an Asian Puff Fish.
Dr. Picozzi would not even consider it! He explained that there were too many negative side affects including that it would affect my surgery. So, no go on steroids. I had to fight back my tears. He went on to explain that this is a time to tap into my spirituality and inside. He offered group counseling and/or therapy but I declined. All the talking in the world will not change how I feel when I get up and look in the mirror every morning. I look sad. They say the eyes are the window to the soul, well mine always look sad. I can't hide the pain inside. It's like looking at a stranger. He went onto to say my friends don't care what I look like, and that I already know. This is not about my friends, this is about me getting lost along the way. My friends have been incredible and I could not possibly have a stronger support group and for that I'm so blessed.
Cancer attacks every single thing in your life...........not just your body. It attacks your physical, mental, spiritual, friends, family, work, financial, it really is evil! I do think I have a lot more to learn. I can't lose the light from within which I think is what I fear. It gets harder and harder to fight the fatigue and side affects of chemo each week. Geez, I have to tape four of my fingernails on just so I can type. LOL I think it might be time to have another date with God.........I just need to keep pushing forward. I'm over half way there now and know all this is temporary. I just had my heart set on those steroids and thought I had all my problems solved. LOL I don't like people to see me sick so I tend to go in hiding when I look and feel so bad.
I got emotionally drained on Thursday and have been nauseous and not feeling well ever since. I slept most of Friday. However, am back to work for the weekend and look forward to Monday for another day of rest. I am winning!! and need to be OK with having some bad days along the way. I have this next week off from chemo to get my wits back. YAHOO!
http://westseattleblog.com/2011/09/my-big-fat-purple-benefit-fundraiser-for-cancer-fighting-realtor Deeply touched that Alice Kuder contacted the West Seattle Blog to share my story. Check out the link!
By the time this journey is done.......I will really know what I'm made of!!
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ
Dr. Picozzi would not even consider it! He explained that there were too many negative side affects including that it would affect my surgery. So, no go on steroids. I had to fight back my tears. He went on to explain that this is a time to tap into my spirituality and inside. He offered group counseling and/or therapy but I declined. All the talking in the world will not change how I feel when I get up and look in the mirror every morning. I look sad. They say the eyes are the window to the soul, well mine always look sad. I can't hide the pain inside. It's like looking at a stranger. He went onto to say my friends don't care what I look like, and that I already know. This is not about my friends, this is about me getting lost along the way. My friends have been incredible and I could not possibly have a stronger support group and for that I'm so blessed.
Cancer attacks every single thing in your life...........not just your body. It attacks your physical, mental, spiritual, friends, family, work, financial, it really is evil! I do think I have a lot more to learn. I can't lose the light from within which I think is what I fear. It gets harder and harder to fight the fatigue and side affects of chemo each week. Geez, I have to tape four of my fingernails on just so I can type. LOL I think it might be time to have another date with God.........I just need to keep pushing forward. I'm over half way there now and know all this is temporary. I just had my heart set on those steroids and thought I had all my problems solved. LOL I don't like people to see me sick so I tend to go in hiding when I look and feel so bad.
I got emotionally drained on Thursday and have been nauseous and not feeling well ever since. I slept most of Friday. However, am back to work for the weekend and look forward to Monday for another day of rest. I am winning!! and need to be OK with having some bad days along the way. I have this next week off from chemo to get my wits back. YAHOO!
http://westseattleblog.com/2011/09/my-big-fat-purple-benefit-fundraiser-for-cancer-fighting-realtor Deeply touched that Alice Kuder contacted the West Seattle Blog to share my story. Check out the link!
By the time this journey is done.......I will really know what I'm made of!!
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ
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