To my friends

I am not sure where to start with this message but something inside of me for my friends has to get out.
It was the end of 1996 and I was going thru a divorce...closing a 15 year chapter of my life.  It was hard but even harder for my sons but we got thru it.  It was during that time that I made a very clear choice to do some house cleaning and eliminate all the negative energy in my life.  Moving forward I decided to only surround myself with positive energy and people that bring out the best in me...not the worse.
I am so grateful for making that decision because it has led me to this very moment.  I am at the worse point in my life right now......nothing I have had to go thru has been as huge as fighting for my life. Nothing is this scary because failure means death.  That does not leave me with alot of choices.  You all see so much strength in me and the faith you have has made me realize I am you.  Whether you remember me from 3rd grade or from recent years...you have touched me and a part of you is in me.  It is all you that make me............me.  I need to thank you for giving me the best of you. 
I made the right choice back in 96 and am so blessed to have had soooo much love in my life.  I just can not thank you enough for being my friend.  I do not know how to say goodbye and although I am always trying to learn and grow but saying goodbye to you is not something I want to have to learn.  Seeing myself thru your eyes keeps me going day after day.
Oh I know I have lived a dramatic life but you have loved the drama queen and my journeys.  One thing is for sure you can never say I was boring LOL. You have not once laughed at me but always laughed with me.  You never put me down and always lifted me up. 
I am certain I have the best friends on earth.  I hope you know the difference you have made in my life.  I can't imagine my life without you in it.  Cancer has made me very aware of who my friends are and just how terrific you are.
I love you!!
Always your friend
DJ

Invisible Stress

While I think I have accepted the cards I have been handed I am quite sure my body has not.  Having cancer is a weight bigger than anything you can imagine.  Even though I try and keep my mind entertained by watching movies....solving murders with all the criminal tv shows or working on my book and real estate business I find my body is still stressing.
I have noticed my mouth will not relax............so even when I am sleeping I am sucking in pressure so much that my teeth are shifting.  We all know how much of a teeth person I am so this really is NOT OK.  For every new side affect from chemo or surgery comes a new medication but I am guessing there is no magic pill to vanish the stress.
Cancer patients take an unbelievable amount of drugs to simply try and maintain some sense of normal.  I have 8 perscription drugs and 2 over the counter.  I have become the person I never wanted to date.  You know that guy with a medicine cabinet overflowing with perscription drugs that you sneek a peek of the first time you go to his place.  LOL
Sometimes I think we may think we are handling the stress in our life well but our body tells another story.  Listen to it.
I felt such a sweet victory after my surgery last December that gave me a sense of being invinceable.  I was beyond cloud 9 and beyond grateful for a 2nd chance at life.  That high was so short lived when just a few months later a 2nd tumor revealed itself.  Scary to think that just because they can not see or find cancer does not mean you do not have cancer.........cancer can hide from tests and surgery.  I am in survival mode and so anxious to get back to living mode.  So much of my time is spent physically battling this evil beast inside of me that it is hard to do so many of the things I love.  My body is so tired but my mind is still going 100 mph. LOL
Cancer will physically, emotionally and financially destroy you but you and only you control your mind.........it will try and mess with you mentally but with some will power you decide your mental health.  My best advice is do not spend any time thinking negative thoughts...........just believe and stay positive every waking second.  When you start to think negative...and you will......reach out to those that love you and believe in you.  They will keep you on track.
Life is shorter than you think.
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

OOOOPS! There went my rug

Wow yesterday was an eye opening day. Oh, chemo went fine for the most part.  Some of my blood levels have dropped again, platelets and white blood count so Dr. P reduced my dosage but I did get a little something something from all three cocktails

Jumping ahead of myself and assuming this was my last full day of chemotherapy I wanted the juicy details of exactly how this next phase of treatmemt was going to play out with radiation.  I have never had radiation but have heard many stories of how quick and easy it is and side effects from minor burns to extreme fatigue.  Here's what I learned and you may want to be sitting down for this because it ain't pretty!

Pancreatic Virginia Mason Protocol goes a little something like this!
5-1/2 weeks of daily treatment (excluding weekends) but including holidays.  So basically a Monday thru Friday commitment:
DAY 1: Cisplatin, 3 liters of IVF (fluids to prevent dehydration), Interferon shot, radiation and a new pump filled with FU5 chemotherapy. 
DAY 2: Radiation
DAY 3:  Radiation, Interferon shot, and beginning week 3 2 liters of IVF
DAY 4:  Radiation
DAY 5:  Radiation, Interferon shot, and beginning week 3 2 liters of IVF
*Every Monday I will get a fresh FU5 chemo pump so basically I will be on chemotherapy 24/7

* Been told I will get very sick, throwing up, diarrhea and extreme fatigue and their primary concern is to keep me hydrated so every visit I have to pee 500ML into a bowl and if I can't they will hook me up to IV for fluids.
* This treatment is so aggressive most patients don't make the 5-1/2 weeks without a break in there to re coop.  So I think it more realist to plan on this taking 6-1/2 weeks.  Any time skipped for any reason will just be added on at the end.  So one way or another they are dosing you for 5-1./2 weeks, no negotiating.

It sound as though the soonest I can start is mid-November.  So I am going to start looking for friends that might be able to commit one day a week to driving me to and from Virgina Mason downtown (I live in Maple Valley) so it's easily and hour drive both ways.  And as you can see I need some flexibility of someone that can stay longer with me if I have to have additional IV fluids...they always take a couple hours.  I already have Mondays covered (thank you JR)!!!  Mondays are the long 8 hour days so that's good to have that one covered.  I am also reaching out to the American Society for volunteer drivers.  Once I have my schedule firm, I will post on here.

In the meantime, I am on my chemo pack get to go in tomorrow afternoon and get it off.  Then I have my full check up with xray, ct scan, blood work on Oct. 31st.  PLUS get to meet with my surgeon again and of course Dr. P to finalize the start date for phase 2.

For some reason I thought radiation was going to be the easy phase of this journey when in fact, it will be the most challenging so yesterday I just felt like that rug got pulled out from beneath me...........but like I told the Dr.  I'm in it to win it so let's get this party started so I can move on with my big fat amazing life!!!!!!!

Love you all so much and can not thank you enough for your prayers.
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

Sound of the Rain

We have been so furtunate all summer and even into fall however we had a good rain today.  I woke up sick so knew today was not going to be one of my better days.  As much as I do not like the gloomy day and pouring rain I was trying to get my zen on so I could overcome my stomach discomfort when I just quietly listened to the rain.  It is so beautiful and peacefull.  Just a reminder no matter what you can find something to love in anything......regardless of how negative it may seem on the surface.
The flowers are being nourished and fall is beautiful.
Hoping to have my last chemo tomorrow although will not know for sure until all my tests on the 30th.  I am so ready for this journey to be over to anxious to move on to my next phase of treatment.
We are approaching that time of year to be grateful........I say there is no time like the present.  We have soooooo much to be grateful for and you will be happier focusing your thoughts on what you have instead of what you do not have.
If you have a partner you love remember to choose your battles with them carefully......it truly is better to be happy than right!
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

Mind over body

Yesterday was really and weird chemo day.........blood pressure was pretty high and I think it was because I did not feel well and had quite a bit of anxiety leading up to this treatment since I had such a horrific treatment last time.  My labwork came back indicating low white blood count and low patelets....a drop from my low levels last time.  Chemo is certainly taking its toll on my body.
So I did not get to see Dr P yesterday had a fill in Dr so really no opportunity to play questions and answers.  Although he did let me choose to have chemo and elinate the 2nd cocktail or postpone the full meal deal to next week due to the low levels in my bloodwork.  Of course I chose to saddle up and do the partial treatment.  I believe the sooner I get all my treatments done the sooner I can get my life back.
I am so grateful for my girlfriend Jackie who has committed to taking me to all my chemos since my parents went back to Alabama.  Since we didnt have to do that 2nd cocktail the day was 2 hours shorter than usual...yippie!!
Troble set in though when I got home.  Tim had brought me dinner....clam chowder.  With my hyper sensitivty to cold warm soups feel good to eat.  However I had horrible pain after that which lasted all night.  I hate to take my pain killers because they make me so sick...its like trading pain for vomitting.  I layed in bed in the fetal position and asked Tim to sit with me to help me control my breathing and stay calm.  Mentally I had to talk myself into feeling good.  I was scared as I did not expect this to happen....typically it is that 2nd cocktail that makes me sick so I was really caught off guard with the pain.
I do not know what are chemo side effects and what are Whipple surgery side effects.  A good question for my surgeon at the end of this month.
All I know is sometimes no matter how bad the obstacle is in front of you..you do have the mental power to get right thru it.  I know its hard..especially when you have physical obstacles but just think yourself to how you want to feel as though you already do.
My bad days might be getting more frequent and getting worse but my good days are getting better.  I am trying to live the good days as though I am not sick at all.....you know the old saying fake it till you make it.....its true!!
Back to hospital tomorrow to get my chemo pack off...YEA!
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ