The test of a lifetime

I am not even sure where to start since I have learned so much since my last blog.  I was suppose to have my 3rd chemo last monday however I barely made it to the hospital which is now an hour away.  In fact I had to jump out of the car a block away and run to get to the restroom.  It was not one of my better moments.  However the 11 hour day at the hospital unraveled slower than as if time stood still.  I was sick both physically and emotionally so when the Dr offered to give me the week off I jumped at the opportunity and took a blood transfusion instead.  Unfortunately there was a rush at the blood bank so my two pints took 6 hours to arrive at the hospital..........another 4 to transfuse. I can not even put into words the level of gratitude I felt towards the donors.  PLEASE donate blood every 56 days if you are able.  The number of lives you save is important and the feeling you have after you donate is just as powerful as the feeling you have should you ever need a transfusion.  Its just the right thing to do and it costs you nothing but time.  I am sure I will need more transfusions so if it makes you feel better you can donate it and have it credited to my name.
My true test came yesterday when depression was triggered from a disagreement from a friend.  I have a whole new understanding now for people who suffer from depression on a regular basis.  It is horrible and feels as though your life is falling into a tailspin that can not be stopped.  I honestly just wanted to take my bottle of sleeping pills and end the horror.  You see when death is knocking on your door and you are forced to get all your affairs in order your emotions are magnified............all of them. I have never felt the horror of depression in all my life.........not even when my mom died.  Oh I was sad but not depressed. Its a fine line but one I clearly saw yesterday.
Over the years I have learned that friendships sometimes come with conditions............conditions that you only learn the hard way by losing the friendship.  I thought I was losing one of my best friends yesterday and it was unbareable.  I can not imagine my life without this person and that fear sent me over the edge.  I later realized the friendship was never even threatened its just I see the world so differently now that I have cancer with an unoperable tumor.  I can not expect my friends to see it the way I do.  But I know now more than ever that I need to blog more so at least you can learn some things that I am learning.  Maybe I am on this journey more for you than me.  Its not all about me............this is your journey too if you choose to take it with me.
If you ever are having a bad day call me and I will tell you what a bad day really is.  God has given as so much and we just need to be more grateful.........on a daily basis not just on Sunday.  Oh so maybe you dont believe in God??? You still need to live a life of gratitude to really be LIVING with any kind of purpose.
Never ever underestimate the power of your friendships.  Try to imagine your life without all that love wrapped around you..................now go tell them thank you and please dont take them for granted.  Some friendships are unconditional and yesterday proved that to me.  I am blessed beyond measure and am sure you are too.
Know matter what battle you are facing today and no matter how horrible it may be tearing you down you do have the strength really deep within you to accept the battle as a lesson...........a lesson you can share with others.  Dont be afriad to call your friends and ask for help they will jump at the opportunity to hold your hand and make the fall with you just to insure you get right back up again.
Love can not be measured nor can your friendships. Respect your differences and love unconditionally and it will empower you to be the best you that you can be.  Your friendships are not as fragile as you think they might be however the feelings of your friends might be because of where they are in life and what they are dealing with.
I am constantly astounded at the power of love aren't you?
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

No more internet

Sorry for the silence.  We have moved and no longer have internet so I am limited to communicating exclusively thru my phone.  Its called budgeting lol
I have made it thru two chemo sessiosn.  First one landed me in hospital for 5 days but second one went better.  I however started having panic attacks but they have subsided now that I am off the pump.  I get 3 cocktails two take a couple hours each and the 3rd runs for 46 hours........it is horrible.
I am weak and feel very fragile..........in other words I feel the opposite of who I am and who I want to be.  This time is so much harder than before.  I know it should be easier but it simply is not no matter how I slice and dice it.
I feel death closer than ever before for many reasons........one I am no longer a surgical candidate.  Remission is my best hope.  I am though so happy with the person I have become.  I have become the people I hang around the most.  My friends are the best people on earth.  They love and give so graciously and generously.  No wonder my friends become friends with each other.  I am so lucky to have so much love wrapped around me.  I could not get thru my days without all the support I get sprinkled in my days.
My dad has been here for sometime helping take care of me.......Mama Lou arrives on tuesday night.  I can hardly wait. 
There is a really long road ahead.........but I am tackling one day at a time.  My old boss...Al once told me how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time!
Please know I am deeply touched by every card........every text.........every prayer.........every email...........every phone call..........every visit.  You all have blessed me so much beyond words.
I love you and hope you are being grateful for your health.
Live with passion
DJ