Looking back

Fighting cancer reminds me of treading water.  It gets exhausting and would certainly be easier to just let go and sink...but that would be the end...sure death.  I can not stress the importance of moving.  Like anything in life...if you stop doing and stop moving, you get complacent and stop making any type of progress.  These are hard times for all of us and no matter what obstacle you see in front of you...you can not let it stop you.  Oh it may slow you down but nothing can stop you unless you let it.  Do not place blame...that is just an excuse to stop moving.
My body aches......sometimes to the point of tears and with that comes doubt but that is the time to lean on the loved ones around you.  Nobody wants you to die or fail at anything.  So doesn't it makes sense that the people around you would help you?  I have learned that my suffering is not a burden on others..it is heartbreaking and they simply want to know how they can help ease my pain.  This is called love.
When I look back at my life which I do often I smile.  I have had sooo much laughter and joy it is astounding and that is how I want to be remembered. 
This phase 2 of treatment was confusing to me.  I was not sure of the purpose or what the best outcome is.  I was just not clear why we had a phase 2.  In other words I didn't know what the goal was.  Surgery.  That is the goal.  Get this tumor to shrink down and unwrap around my artery so Dr Rocha can go in and remove it.  I have been told this is a long shot........well I believe I can make this long shot!!  There is nothing average about me and I believe I have to do this to have the quality of life I want.  I am asking for your prayers........we did it before so we can do it again!!  But I can not do it without you.
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

Happy Thanksgiving

I am blessed beyond measure!  The friends and even strangers that have come to help me during this hard fight is just astonishing.  I pray for the day I am healthy enough and financially able to give back ten fold all that has beeb blessed upon me.  I have learned so much from your generosity.  Thank you!!  I truly hope you and your families are enjoying a healthy and blessed holiday.
Well Monday was the start of my phase 2 of treatment.  Jackie has been so kind to allocate the next 5 or so Mondays to driving me and spending 8 hours at the hospital.  I thought the day went pretty good until things took a turn on the drive home.  I started to get the chills and a horrible splitting headache......then had to run thru the door once we hit the driveway to go throw up which continued every couple hours well into Tuesday morning.  They pump you up with so many fluids so you have to pee every couple hours anyway so sleeping is not an option.  They gave me 3 ltrs of fluids....cisplatin...and an interferon shot before radiation.  The interferon shot is every Mon Wed and Fri.  It gives you all the flu like symptoms.  I actually thought it would be a couple weeks before I felt any side affects........Dr. B told me to lower my expectations and warned me it is going to get worse.  He also explained since I am so high energy this will be harder for me thanit is for others.  That made sense to me.
The radiation part is easy.......just have to lay in the exact same position each day and the process takes under 15 mins.  With my frozen shoulder it is hard for me to raise my arms to hold onto the handle bars but I am trying to excercise it numerous times a day as not to create a problem for radiology.  When I say you have to be in same position each day...I mean EXACT same position.  They even rubberband your feet together so you can not move.  I will get a picture of this and post it.
I honestly can not imagine being so sick for the next 6 weeks...it overwhelmes me.  I am staying focused on today and doing what I need to do to make today a success............this is really one day at a time.
Thank you Angela and Shelley for being my Tuesday girls..Sandy for Wednesdays...Jesica for Thursdays and GG and Terri for fridays.  I have my pink bucket to commute with in case I get sick. LOL
I am certainly not feeling my best...already tired of carrying the chemo pack around 24_7 but am grateful to have this day off from treatment.  Tim is amazing and helping me eat a little and drink so I do not get dehydrated.  I have a rough road but still soooo much to be grateful for.
Much love and God Bless you and your families!!
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

To everyone with cancer

Although we may have never met I consider you my brother or sister.  We belong to the same family....a family tied together by cancer not blood.  The first thing I want you to know is I am praying for you...praying for a day when cancer will no longer touch our lives. 
I hope you know you did not do anything to deserve this path that you are on.  God did not give you cancer either.  However God will help you win the battle!
We are so blessed to have family and friends wrapped around us to give us strength especially when will feel cancer is beating us.  Cancer may take everything from you physically but it cannot take your spirit!  It also cannot take all the love wrapped around you.
We see the world differently.  I think we should help all those around us see what we see and feel what we feel.  I know it is such a cliche to say live like you are dying and we can do that..........but others may need our help.
Cancer has helped me become the person I have always wanted to be.  I don't sweat the small stuff anymore and my appreciation for everything...even the tiny things has become unmeasureable.  I wish there was a class in school that simply taught an attitude with gratitude. 
I remember when my Mom got cancer...she would email me everyday up until I stayed with her the last 2 weeks of her life.  She would write about all the beautiful things she was so grateful for.  She was trying to get me to see the world thru her eyes.  I did not understand it at the time but I do now.  My mother was the most thoughtful loving woman I have ever known and she credits that to her mother and my Dad's mother. How lucky am I to have such amazing women in my life.
It does not matter how much time we have left.  What matters is what we do with that time.  So LIVE and SHARE as much as you can and more importantly let go of any pain and love unconditionly.  It will set you free!!
I am not looking forward to my next phase of treatment but I know people have survived it before me so to all of those survivors I say thank you for giving me HOPE.
Stay strong!!  You can do this and you are never alone.
God Bless You!!
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

Fall Back

Wow, here it is November already!!  I am just LOVING the season change.  The beautiful leaves falling and all the harvest colors.  November is my favorite month, I know I know.........I have a birthday coming up but it's not about that, it's about Thanksgiving (my favorite holiday) and having a holiday that is all about counting your blessings and being grateful for all you have, no matter how little you may think you have...........trust me, you have a lot more to be grateful for than you think.

I had a good visit to the hospital last week and got to meet my new Dr. (oncology radiologist).......OK, I need a drum roll please, Dr. Badiozamani!!!!  He and his team left me with a great first impression so I feel confident I am in good hands.  I will refer to him as Dr. B from this point forward.  You can check him out at https://www.virginiamason.org/body.cfm?xyzpdqabc=0&id=1175&action=detail&ref=22

Of course I am not excited to start phase 2 of my treatment, but I know it's the ONLY way to move forward and get this cancer behind me once and for all.  I officially start what they refer to as the Virginia Mason Protocol on Nov. 17th.  Basically, it is five and half weeks of treatment (38 days) but it takes most people longer to complete because they get sick, blood and platelet levels drop, etc.  I anticipate the holidays may not be jolly for me, but at the same time I am so grateful to still be alive.

Sometimes when I am alone I cry.........I cry allot.  Not because I am sad, but because I am so grateful for the absolutely amazing friends I have in my life who are so generous with me.  I am just so blessed beyond measure, plus I have two great sons and a fiancee that loves me and cares for me so much. 

My sons were visiting me this weekend and we all had a nice family dinner with their girlfriends and it truly was a blissful moment for me.  It's rare to have the two boys home at the same time so I savor it.

As for my health, this is hard.  I tire very easily and have more issues with my stomach that I can even count.  I guess it is just part of my new normal since the Whipple surgery.  Although my tumor is attached to a main artery making it inoperable at this time, it is possible it will shrink enough during radiation/chemo allowing Dr. Rocha to go back in and remove what is left...........the thought of surgery again scares me as the first one almost killed me.  However, Dr P. has assured me the surgery is different, would not be another Whipple.  I just decided I can not worry about it at this time and just need focus on getting as healthy as I can in preparation for phase 2 of treatment.  I have all the X;s on my stomach to begin radiation.  They will finalize things on the 12th and tattoo the marks on me so I will always have them.  Guess you can think of it as me getting freckles tattooed on my tummy. LOL  I think I would like to get a tattoo, but I was thinking more along the lines of a purple ribbon "CancerDiva" on the inside of my wrist.

This week my goal is to get Tanner's WSU graduation announcements in the mail and jump back into my book chapter 6.  One of my dear friends has offered me up a program that not is a spell check but it rakes your writing and makes suggestions to make it more precise and to the point so I want to put that to a test run on what I have written already.  I just want to be careful so I don't lose my writing voice along the way.

I again want to thank you for your prayers, and all the amazing support you have given.  This has already been a long journey and is just going to get longer and harder.  I can do this, if not for me, for my sons, Tim and all of you.

Please remember to vote this week!!!!
LIVE WITH PASSION
DJ

To my friends

I am not sure where to start with this message but something inside of me for my friends has to get out.
It was the end of 1996 and I was going thru a divorce...closing a 15 year chapter of my life.  It was hard but even harder for my sons but we got thru it.  It was during that time that I made a very clear choice to do some house cleaning and eliminate all the negative energy in my life.  Moving forward I decided to only surround myself with positive energy and people that bring out the best in me...not the worse.
I am so grateful for making that decision because it has led me to this very moment.  I am at the worse point in my life right now......nothing I have had to go thru has been as huge as fighting for my life. Nothing is this scary because failure means death.  That does not leave me with alot of choices.  You all see so much strength in me and the faith you have has made me realize I am you.  Whether you remember me from 3rd grade or from recent years...you have touched me and a part of you is in me.  It is all you that make me............me.  I need to thank you for giving me the best of you. 
I made the right choice back in 96 and am so blessed to have had soooo much love in my life.  I just can not thank you enough for being my friend.  I do not know how to say goodbye and although I am always trying to learn and grow but saying goodbye to you is not something I want to have to learn.  Seeing myself thru your eyes keeps me going day after day.
Oh I know I have lived a dramatic life but you have loved the drama queen and my journeys.  One thing is for sure you can never say I was boring LOL. You have not once laughed at me but always laughed with me.  You never put me down and always lifted me up. 
I am certain I have the best friends on earth.  I hope you know the difference you have made in my life.  I can't imagine my life without you in it.  Cancer has made me very aware of who my friends are and just how terrific you are.
I love you!!
Always your friend
DJ

Invisible Stress

While I think I have accepted the cards I have been handed I am quite sure my body has not.  Having cancer is a weight bigger than anything you can imagine.  Even though I try and keep my mind entertained by watching movies....solving murders with all the criminal tv shows or working on my book and real estate business I find my body is still stressing.
I have noticed my mouth will not relax............so even when I am sleeping I am sucking in pressure so much that my teeth are shifting.  We all know how much of a teeth person I am so this really is NOT OK.  For every new side affect from chemo or surgery comes a new medication but I am guessing there is no magic pill to vanish the stress.
Cancer patients take an unbelievable amount of drugs to simply try and maintain some sense of normal.  I have 8 perscription drugs and 2 over the counter.  I have become the person I never wanted to date.  You know that guy with a medicine cabinet overflowing with perscription drugs that you sneek a peek of the first time you go to his place.  LOL
Sometimes I think we may think we are handling the stress in our life well but our body tells another story.  Listen to it.
I felt such a sweet victory after my surgery last December that gave me a sense of being invinceable.  I was beyond cloud 9 and beyond grateful for a 2nd chance at life.  That high was so short lived when just a few months later a 2nd tumor revealed itself.  Scary to think that just because they can not see or find cancer does not mean you do not have cancer.........cancer can hide from tests and surgery.  I am in survival mode and so anxious to get back to living mode.  So much of my time is spent physically battling this evil beast inside of me that it is hard to do so many of the things I love.  My body is so tired but my mind is still going 100 mph. LOL
Cancer will physically, emotionally and financially destroy you but you and only you control your mind.........it will try and mess with you mentally but with some will power you decide your mental health.  My best advice is do not spend any time thinking negative thoughts...........just believe and stay positive every waking second.  When you start to think negative...and you will......reach out to those that love you and believe in you.  They will keep you on track.
Life is shorter than you think.
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

OOOOPS! There went my rug

Wow yesterday was an eye opening day. Oh, chemo went fine for the most part.  Some of my blood levels have dropped again, platelets and white blood count so Dr. P reduced my dosage but I did get a little something something from all three cocktails

Jumping ahead of myself and assuming this was my last full day of chemotherapy I wanted the juicy details of exactly how this next phase of treatmemt was going to play out with radiation.  I have never had radiation but have heard many stories of how quick and easy it is and side effects from minor burns to extreme fatigue.  Here's what I learned and you may want to be sitting down for this because it ain't pretty!

Pancreatic Virginia Mason Protocol goes a little something like this!
5-1/2 weeks of daily treatment (excluding weekends) but including holidays.  So basically a Monday thru Friday commitment:
DAY 1: Cisplatin, 3 liters of IVF (fluids to prevent dehydration), Interferon shot, radiation and a new pump filled with FU5 chemotherapy. 
DAY 2: Radiation
DAY 3:  Radiation, Interferon shot, and beginning week 3 2 liters of IVF
DAY 4:  Radiation
DAY 5:  Radiation, Interferon shot, and beginning week 3 2 liters of IVF
*Every Monday I will get a fresh FU5 chemo pump so basically I will be on chemotherapy 24/7

* Been told I will get very sick, throwing up, diarrhea and extreme fatigue and their primary concern is to keep me hydrated so every visit I have to pee 500ML into a bowl and if I can't they will hook me up to IV for fluids.
* This treatment is so aggressive most patients don't make the 5-1/2 weeks without a break in there to re coop.  So I think it more realist to plan on this taking 6-1/2 weeks.  Any time skipped for any reason will just be added on at the end.  So one way or another they are dosing you for 5-1./2 weeks, no negotiating.

It sound as though the soonest I can start is mid-November.  So I am going to start looking for friends that might be able to commit one day a week to driving me to and from Virgina Mason downtown (I live in Maple Valley) so it's easily and hour drive both ways.  And as you can see I need some flexibility of someone that can stay longer with me if I have to have additional IV fluids...they always take a couple hours.  I already have Mondays covered (thank you JR)!!!  Mondays are the long 8 hour days so that's good to have that one covered.  I am also reaching out to the American Society for volunteer drivers.  Once I have my schedule firm, I will post on here.

In the meantime, I am on my chemo pack get to go in tomorrow afternoon and get it off.  Then I have my full check up with xray, ct scan, blood work on Oct. 31st.  PLUS get to meet with my surgeon again and of course Dr. P to finalize the start date for phase 2.

For some reason I thought radiation was going to be the easy phase of this journey when in fact, it will be the most challenging so yesterday I just felt like that rug got pulled out from beneath me...........but like I told the Dr.  I'm in it to win it so let's get this party started so I can move on with my big fat amazing life!!!!!!!

Love you all so much and can not thank you enough for your prayers.
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ