One more thing....

I forgot to say THANK YOU to who ever stopped by my house on Thursday and left a happy at my front door.  Obviously you know I only eat dark chocolate......and the ornament is on my tree!  The card was not signed so I have no idea who dropped it off............but THANK YOU and sorry that I missed you. xoxoxo

One more hurdle

I got the green light this week for surgery scheduled on Monday December 5th.  Check in is at 5:30am and the Dr. will make his first incision by 8:30am.  Surgery is expected to be 6-8 hours followed by a 7-10 day stay at the wonderful Virginia Mason downtown Seattle.

I'll be honest, I have a lot of mixed emotions and the closer the day is the more mixed they get. LOL  I'm excited that chemo is behind me and I made it this far and am an actual surgical candidate.  If you remember when I started this journey, I wasn't.  My biggest concern is the artery that my tumor is attached too.  Am praying that it's not too attached to remove since that would be fatal for me. Oh, the Dr. said they would do everything they can to prolong my life........a life of chemo and treatments, no thanks!

I am really optimistic and know that I have the cancer beat!  It will shock me if they find any hidden cancer.  I'm convinced I nipped that evil disease long ago.  Not looking forward to a week in the hospital but hoping I"ll have some visitors along the way to keep me from getting too lonely.  My first day will be spent in step down ICU but then the 2nd day I'll get my own room.  I assume it will be my own????

This has been a long 7 months but so much good has come from it so far.  I've been so deeply torched and moved by the amount of support from not only my family and friends, but total strangers.  This journey has allowed me to see the best in everyone.  Life is sooooo good! and the people in it are what make this world go round.

I still have most of my chemo side affects.  Dr says it takes about 6 weeks before people start seeing them go away so I still have a few more to go...............most excited for the day I wake up and my eyes are not watering profusely. 

Please save the date and celebrate with me being cancer free on February 18th at the Browns Point Improvement Club down on the waterfront.  It will be a night to remember filled with food folks and lots and lots of fun!  You can go to www.CancerDiva.com and order your tickets.  They are $50 a piece and that includes dinner, beer and wine.  There will be music and karaoke!!  You all have been on this journey with me so only fair that we celebrate this victory together!

It's already December so I wanted to take this time to wish you and your family a really wonderful holiday.  Please don't get too caught up in the hustle and bustle of the holidays so you can enjoy what's really important.....your family and friends.  If there's one thing I've learned on this journey it's that PEOPLE make your life magical. 

LIVE WITH PASSION and Happy Holidays!
DJ

It's a wrap!

All done with chemo as of Nov. 3rd!!! YIPPIE YAHOO!  The week that followed almost killed me though.  I spent the week in bed throwing up unable to keep even the littlest sip of water down.  My Dad moved in with me that week and was by my bedside and there for my every need.  Once we got to the hospital for follow up xrays and ct scan, my blood pressure was 54/22.   NOT GOOD.  The staff immediately put things in motion to get my IV hooked up to some new meds for nausea and some nutrients. 

It has been a long six months.  I almost can't believe it's over and now all I have to do is rest up for surgery scheduled for Dec. 5th.  I have a new surgeon but I love him (Dr. Rocha) as much as I do Dr. Ryan who must be going into retirement.  Rocha is younger but lots of experience and so incredibly patient with me.  I am very optimistic that as complicated and long (6-8 hours) as this surgery will be, that the outcome will be very positive.  Apparently, not only did my tumor disappear off the ct scan, so did my pancreas. LOL  This of course is going to increase my odds of coming out of surgery with diabetes... a common side affect from surgery.  Not looking forward to that but I'd rather be alive with diabetes than dead from cancer..................right?

Good news is I'm going to lose lots of weight..........or so the Dr says. LOL  There is lots of good news actually, the big news being that my tumor looks to be cancer free now and ready to remove.  Also, I'm so blessed by the outpouring of kindness thru cards, emails, and text messages from family, friends and friends of friends.  Sometimes I cry because I'm touched so deeply by so many people.

I'm excited for the fundraiser DIVA BIZARRE tomorrow.  I don't have the energy to attend but the girls (Sharon and Val) are so excited for the big event.  Please know I'm so grateful for all the financial support it has enabled me to focus on my health and not panic about going into bankruptcy with all the medical bills.  FYI my chemo alone costs about $7000 a week.  Insurance covers most of it, but I am still responsible for a lot myself.  Without your support I wouldn't be able to heal due to the financial stress but Val and Sharon are doing amazing at raising funds to pay my medical expenses.  Two angels!  along with their spouses, Jim and Scott!!

Dr. wants me to eat as many calories as possible between now and surgery.  As wonderful as that news is, it's incredibly hard.  I have no appetite and still have metal mouth so can't eat much without spitting it out.  Hoping to enjoy a tasty Thanksgiving though!!! 

Speaking of Thanksgiving.  My family will all be together for the first time for this holiday.....also my FAVORITE holiday!  I'm so grateful to be alive it's crazy.  Each day I get to see my parents and am so thankful to have them here for this journey.  In fact, not sure I could have made it thru the six months without them.

I know I still have a big hurdle to get over with surgery.............but I'm so optimistic that it will unveil a cancer free body and that recovery with go smoothly.  I know it will be painful with some negative side affects but I'm going to get thru it and be back to my life in the new year.  I can't begin to tell you how excited I am for 2012 and all that it will bring.

I'm a better person now having traveled this path.  I'm closer to my family and my friends.  I realize how lucky we are to have our health when we have it.  Something I will never take for granted again!  In fact, I can't wait to get back into the gym with Tim on a regular basis.  Just being able to walk for more than 30 feet will be exciting to me!

I know everyone reading this is fighting some kind of battle.  Please know my heart reaches out to you and I'm so grateful for all your love and prayers.  You just have no idea how much and how deeply you've touched me.  I'm the luckiest person I know!

I wish you the happiest of Thanksgivings! and hope you will take the time you need to really FEEL grateful, that's what this time of year is all about! 

Much love to you all!
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

Breaking Dawn...

My deepest apology for going so long without writing and sharing my journey.  My laptop was at work and chemo finally got me to a point that I could not get around and make it to work.  Dad took me into the office last week for a visit so I could pick some things up.....like my laptop so here I am.

I think the headline for this post really fits.  LOL  Chemo certainly got me to my breaking point but I have also made some big positive changes in the past few weeks.  Let me start my saying how devastated I was not being able to go to work.  This was a couple months shy of my game plan so not only an emotional hit but a financial one too.  After two weeks of laying in bed though I finally accepted the circumstances and am trying to make the most of them.  Any of you that know me, know I am not the lay around in bed type so this is just shy of torture for me. The only thing missing from this picture is bon bons. LOL 

I have been so ashamed of how I look and feel that I have been pushing my friends away.  I am such an entertainer and love to host.  However, feeling so bad made me crawl into a cave and I figured I would just come out when I feel better, right????  WRONG!!!!!!!!!!  I had no idea how much I was hurting my dearest friends by not allowing them to help or come and see me.  I finally put myself in their shoes and realized how upset I would be if the roles were reversed and it was me being shut out in such a time of need for one of my friends.  Then came the tears and the guilt but it's been good as now I have an open door policy and friends are welcome anytime.  I've accepted there is no need to entertain, get dressed or play hostess, now is not the time for that.  But letting friends be friends is important!

Before I forget, I need to say THANK YOU to whoever sent the powdered chocolate muscle milk to the house.  I have been drinking it everyone morning, even on days I eat nothing.  It's been a big help in my nutrition!!!  There was no card so I have no idea where it came from, but thank you.

I can't get around anymore however, my friends have come to the rescue.  I now have a shower chair so can shower again (was having to bathe because I could not stand up).  Also have a wheelchair now too so can get out and about and hopefully do some more things with Tim and my peeps.  I think getting around in a wheelchair will be a huge learning curve and build a whole new appreciation for my legs and strength when I get them back.  Life in a wheelchair can't be fun but I'm going to see how fun I can make it. 

It's November.  My favorite month.  It's the month of gratitude!  As awful as things seem right now and scary, there is a million things to be grateful for and at the top is my family and friends.  No matter what your circumstances are, there is an incredible life out there to be lived with an endless amount of love.  Everyday I am touched my the love of my family and friends.  I am truly blessed and feel we all are.  You just need to open you heart and the rest will follow.

I know I hurt a lot of friends by saying no thank you and pushing them away and for that I'm terribly sorry.  I learned such a big lesson in all this.  Sometimes you just have to receive.  I find it much easier to give but I get it now.  Thank you for understanding.

All of us are at least a little scared.............none of know the outcome of surgery or the after treatment.  However, we're all being positive and expecting the best.  I can not thank you enough for all your support and prayers.  The prayers are working because this chemo may be almost killing me, but it's definitely killing the cancer!

LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

Famous last words....

"This is a lot harder than I thought it would be".  LOL  I'm sorry for the long silence between posts but chemo chased me into a cave where I have been hiding from my family and friends in an effort to try and cope.  I really didn't expect this last segment of treatments to be THIS hard.  When just brushing your teeth becomes the equivalent of a 10K, the last thing you want it to admit to anyone, including yourself, is that you've been beat.

There is only ONE way to beat cancer.  That's with your attitude!  It's the ONLY thing you control on this journey.  What I didn't realize is you have to do the same for chemo.  The chemo is killing you slowly, one treatment at a time from the inside out.  It takes your hair, eyelashes, nails, skin, mouth, nose, eyes, and kills them at the same time that it's killing the cancer.  Chemo does not know the difference between evil cells and good cells so you can kiss whatever ounce of dignity and pride you think you may have goodbye.  Therefore, making the cave look like a comfortable hide out for now. LOL  I honestly don't know what is harder; coping with chemo on my hands and knees or trying to stand up long enough for your average tooth brushing.  Quite frankly, I never knew what fatigue was until I got knee deep into chemotherapy.  I'm astounded at how much havoc two plastic bags hanging on a stand can wreak on the human body.

I'm so blessed by an out pouring of love and support reminding me of just how close I am to the finish line.  While I'm no Lance Armstrong, as this has not been a race for me.  It's been an intense chapter of life lessons that I'm convinced will have a happy ending and will roll smoothly into a new chapter focused on life AFTER cancer.

I've made some mistakes in coping with my chemotherapy such as NOT being focused enough on a positive journey.  I expected to become ill because of everything I read and what people told me.  Well, there's no surprise then that I got exactly what I expected.  I'm not going to make that same mistake with surgery.

I am going into surgery with the attitude that despite the odds......THEY WILL NOT FIND ANY RESIDUAL CANCER and that the surgery will go as planned.  I don't expect to have to undergo ANY post treatments of radiation or chemo since my body will be cancer free once the tumor is removed.  Everything about my cancer and progress has been rare........I expect the same from my surgery.  The odds may be against me but I have already proven that a positive mental attitude truly focused and BELIEVING can get you what you expect, despite any odds!  Try applying this theory to any challenge you may have in your life and see how miraculously you can change your life for the better!

I'm learning so much on this journey and I hope you are learning with me.  The rewards and life lessons on this journey are going to be far greater than the agony of the journey itself and hardship.

There is a new Dawn ahead that most importantly is more grateful than she every dreamed possible!......  Did I just type in the 3rd person?  LOL  I promise it was only to make a point. LOL

LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

Big Ol' Crocodile Tears

We had a HUGE breakthrough yesterday at the hospital!!  After the results of my tests were in Dr. P told us that I am now a surgical candidate!!!!!!!!!!  It was really an emotional moment.  Even though I knew I would get to this point, a part of me feared the what if I don't. This is living proof in the power of prayer.  I am so blessed to have so many people praying for my full recovery!!

I also got to meet a very lovely woman about 20 years older than me that has just completed her journey with cancer.  It happens to be the SAME one I'm on.  Same 6 months of chemo, same cocktails, same Dr. and same Whipple surgery.  She was only 3 weeks out of surgery and although she was walking with a cane, she looked and sounded wonderful and CANCER FREE.She told me the surgery although brutal was not as bad as she thought it was going to be...................how encouraging is that??????????

All I have to do is survive this next six weeks of chemo.  I know this will not be easy, I am already so weak and have nausea almost everyday but I know now I can do this.  I'm missing more work than I had planned but they are being supportive and understanding. I'm going to break this down into bite size pieces and focus on one week at a time starting on Monday.  I'm going to rest up this weekend and hope to work a full week next week.

Tim is back in town and all tan so he's not helping my ego at all.............now I look like an albino next to him. LOL  Hey, albino's need love too. LOL  It's awesome having Dad back in town too.  We have already enjoyed our few days together and look forward to all the time together ahead of us on this journey.  He gives me strength. 

MaMaLou on the other hand needs your prayers...........she fell and broke her shoulder so in Alabama on the mend.  Has to wear a trainer for 3 weeks and then go it for check up.  I miss her too and hope she's back in November once her shoulder is healed.  Like me, she's a tough cookie and will get thru this.

Again, thank you to all my angles out there!!!!!!!  We did it!
LIVE WITH PASSION
DJ

Finally asking for help...

I don't care how strong you THINK you are, cancer is going to get the best of you.  Not at all times, but it's going to have it's moments.  For example, I'm five months into this journey and finally broke down and asked a friend for a laundry list of much needed items to help me thru my discomfort i.e. manicure gloves, tea tree oil, and chocolate muscle milk light plus she helped me make my bed after I washed my sheets.  I didn't want to ask her to pick up those things because the last thing I want to do is burden someone or be an inconvenience.  However, I NEEDED these things and poof she was there with them.  Thank you Valerie! and I can't get over how comforting it was to just break down in tears in her arms.  Did the same with my Dad when he got home last night (to my home).  No matter how stubborn you may be, cancer will force you into a corner where you HAVE to ask for help.  I'm glad it happened, I get it now.  I think it made Val feel good to be able to help in what she thought was a small way, but it was huge to me.

So now you are probably wondering tea tree oil and manicure gloves????????  Yes, my nails smelled like dirty ass (sorry for being so blunt) but it is what it is so I needed to treat them and cover them up so I could function.  They made my bed stink, me stink, it was beyond gross.  I assume this is just a phase the nails are in while rotting off or something.  It was making me gag every time I smelled them though which was way too often.  I never realized how often my hands are in my face area until they started to rot.

It has really been an emotional week.  I made a post on facebook about trying to negotiate my way out of the last six weeks of chemo.  Basically, I hit my limit.  I'm tired of being sick and dragging Tim down with me.  It' hard to see the ones you love hurting for you.  WOW...........that little comment triggered a bunch of you to open a can of whip ass on me that day!!  I by no means was or am quitting!!!!!!!  I am going to beat this tumor and if it takes six more weeks of chemo, so be it!  I understand now that my Dr. is trying to save my life by preventing future tumors.  I'm all on board with that because I do not want to be on this journey ever again.

I was contacted by two blasts from the past this week.  My best friend from Alabama and an old friend from high school days.  Both very welcomed emails and I look forward to reeling them back into my life as much as possible.  Both these people made big ripples in my life and I would consider it a blessing to have them back in my life again.

I love my friends...........when I'm curled up in bed sick and wondering how long the discomfort is going to last and if I'll be able to make it to work the next day, it so nice to get a thoughtful text message from a friend letting me know they're thinking of me and pulling for me.  I am the luckiest gal in the world!  I'm sorry that I don't log on when I am that sick but Val is pretty good about keeping you all updated on my status on CancerDiva Facebook. 

I look like Mini Mouse with my white gloves on................LOL  or at least the beginnings of a Halloween costume. 

Hey I am curious about the movie 50/50 about the guy with cancer..............you go see if first and let me know if I'll be able relate or if it will just upset me.  LOL  It is based on a true story.

As I spend more time thinking about my own mortality I realize I have a lot to do to get my affairs in order should something take a turn and my life be cut short.  PLEASE DON'T PANIC I am not thinking this will happen, but one needs to be prepared under the circumstances.  LOL  There are so many people I love that I would like leave them something (a piece of me) or something that was important to me.  For the record, I want to be cremated and my ashes spread over the sound somewhere unless Ryan or Tanner wants them on their mantel.  No funeral..................just a big PARTAY!!!!!!!!!

I look forward to MY BIG FAT PURPLE BENEFIT at the end of January/early February.  Glad it has been moved so I can attend and feel healthy and cancer free and really have something to celebrate!!  Hopefully we'll have more people attending by having the event further north too.  Would love to fill a room with 150 peeps!!!!!!!!!!

LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ